Why "House of Wax" Is a Bad Movie...

[Matt_G]

Posted: 5/8/05 at 7:51pm

or "10 Slasher Movie Guidelines" for future filmmakers...

(Spoilers Below)

1. Slasher flicks should NEVER total 120 minutes.

2. At least one person must die extremely violently within the first 45 minutes of a slasher movie. (If that is not possible at least have one person die PERIOD)

3. Don't make the killer so attractive you stop watching the movie and start fantasizing about things you and he can do with some of that hot wax.

4. If you are given an "R" rating, USE IT. Cutaways when knives are inserted into victims are unnecessary. People are there to see heads cut off, not just roll away afterwards. Also, cursing is allowed in "R" rated movies.

5. If you set up a sex scene, follow through. Co*k teasing your audience is not very nice thing to do, especially if you set it up for 95 minutes before hand. (Also, see rule #5 and remember nudity is completely acceptable for an "R" rated film)

6. Running up stairs in a huge house when being chased by a killer is stupid to begin with, so please don't take it to the next level and have your characters running up stairs made of wax in a burning building while being chased by said killer. They deserve to die if they do that.

7. You MUST, I repeat, absolutely MUST attempt to scare your audience at least once within the first half hour of your film. Also, if your film is called HOUSE OF WAX, it is unacceptable to get your characters into that house of wax 45 minutes after your film starts.

8. Don't set up plots about your "soon to be dead" characters being pregnant. Also, don't show single tears rolling down your victims cheek. It's fine when you're watching a Lifetime movie but you're watching these movies to have fun and that really does take you out of it.

9. Toothless Hillbillies are funny. You must have at least one in every film that takes place in the woods, which "Wax" did.

and finally...

10. You must have Paris Hilton in all slasher flicks from now on and continue to come up with new and inventive ways to silence her. Why? Just for scuz.

[TheatreDiva90016]

Posted: 5/8/05 at 8:47pm

Since Paris does die a horrible death, I think I'll forgive the film for the other flaws.
But you do have a point. 45 minutes of...what, before the fun starts?

Exposition?

[CATSNYrevival]

Posted: 5/8/05 at 9:30pm

Matt, I totally agree. I still liked it though... can't help but love Chad...

[EponineThenardier]

Posted: 5/8/05 at 9:49pm

"Don't make the killer so attractive you stop watching the movie and start fantasizing about things you and he can do with some of that hot wax."

heehee.

[broadway86]

Posted: 5/8/05 at 10:00pm

While I respect your opinion, I have to disagree with most of your points.

[paradox_error]

Posted: 5/14/05 at 2:32pm

11. Because it was filmed in my city, which meant that that dziwka (polish swear word to censor english one) was in my city...

Please kill her more often!

[QueenMuppet]

Posted: 5/14/05 at 2:35pm

Paradox, I love you.

QM

[paradox_error]

Posted: 5/14/05 at 2:38pm

Iris Chacon, how nice to see you.

Bwaysinger is currently tied up in a box, i'll let him out later...

[QueenMuppet]

Posted: 5/14/05 at 2:42pm

Please do so! Will he post as himself or as Sammy? Or will you... erm, I mean HE.... will he surprise me?

QM

[jrb_actor]

Posted: 5/14/05 at 2:47pm

I thought it was fab. My friends and I all commented about how nice it was to have a horror film take the time to create characters and set everything up.

Films shouldn't have to be theme park rides to be entertaining.