post-surgery depression

[AbbaRabbit]

Posted: 2/14/10 at 12:15am

it's real. i looked it up.
every time i've had surgery or something that required anesthesia, i've had a slight bit of depression.
but i had 4 in 9 days (spinal tap, central line removal, 3 hour MRI under sedation, having a new central line put in)
and it's hitting me hard. i'm also sure the fact that i'm due for my lupron shot (stops you from producing estrogen) isn't really helping anything. (i'm getting it on monday... i get it every 10 weeks and can feel it wearing off the week before i get it... really sucky timing)

i feel bad because i feel like i should be happy to be home and happy i'm not as sick as i was last week now.
i'm still not (physically) back to normal... i'm in pain from the stitches i still have in, i'm still kind of fatigued, i just want to pick up life where i left off... go to school, play hockey on the weekends, go to bass guitar lessons, but it's like i'm too tired to do it all and it's really getting to me.

[Phyllis Rogers Stone]

Posted: 2/14/10 at 12:19am

Well, your body has been through a lot, so it's no wonder you are feeling out of sorts.

Any good pain meds left you could take to lift your spirits or at least black out?

Seriously, though, you've been through a lot and I'm sure it's going to take a little time before you start feeling back to normal, as normal as YOU can be that is.

I wish I had something more profound to tell you, but I'm sure I'm not the only one here who is hoping that you've got some better days ahead, kiddo.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 2/14/10 at 12:21am

Here's what I say (and my opinion and five bucks can get you a coffee drink at Starbucks): don't worry about how you "should" be feeling and just feel what you feel. I think we do best at getting over things by going through them, not by trying to stop ourselves from feeling them in the first place.

Does that make any sense?

[AbbaRabbit]

Posted: 2/14/10 at 12:37am

it does make sense... it's just that it's kind of hard to explain... i'm very grateful to be home. i'm very grateful that somehow the timing worked out with a "blizzard" that shut down the entire state and made it so i only missed one day of school the whole 9 days i was in the hospital. (i'm still amazed at that one) i'm very grateful to still be alive because i know how serious sepsis is. i am grateful. and i feel like i'm giving off this image that i'm not.

i do have pain meds that help with the pain from the surgery (it's basically going to hurt until they take the stitches out) but i only take them at night because they make me tired

i'm hoping that after i get my shot, i start to feel a little better, since i always feel kind of "off" the week before i get it.

[Phyllis Rogers Stone]

Posted: 2/14/10 at 12:41am

You can be grateful and still feel sorry for yourself for a while. Or feel however you want to feel. I think Namo made a good point about not worrying about how you should feel and just go with what you are feeling. It's what you're feeling, so it's valid for you.

I think you sound pretty together and like you're thinking clearly. I know it doesn't change how you feel at this moment, but I think you'll be feeling better soon.

I don't really have much advice to give except to listen to Namo. He is wise about all things like this.

And that is pretty incredible that you only wound up missing one day of school.

[AbbaRabbit]

Posted: 2/14/10 at 12:51am

i still can't believe the school thing. i was thinking i was going to have missed all these notes and everything untill i actually looked at the calender. believe me when i say it's a HUGE weight off my shoulders. i couldn't really keep track of the days when i was there... i'm glad i blogged and posted here and stuff because i don't remember half of the time i was there...
but this is how it worked out:
i had class on tuesday (home)
i got sick on wednesday night, after i got home from my theatre lab. i was admitted that night. (day 1)
i didn't have class on thursday because for the first 3 weeks of the semester, the class was split so half the class had it on tuesday and half had it on thursday. (day 2)
i dont have class on friday or monday. (days 3-6)
i was still in the hospital on tuesday and missed that class, but i can get the notes from my friend james.(day 7)
the entire state was shut down on wednesday because of the blizzard that never happened. (day
no class on thursday or friday. (days 9 and 10)
i was discharged on friday. (day 10.. oops i counted wrong i thought i was only there for 9 days)
no school on monday because it's a holiday, and i dont have class on monday anyways.
i go back on tuesday, having only missed one class.

[StockardFan]

Posted: 2/14/10 at 11:09am

I hope you are feeling better soon, Pax!

[PalJoey]

Posted: 2/14/10 at 1:14pm

i had 4 in 9 days (spinal tap, central line removal, 3 hour MRI under sedation, having a new central line put in)

If most of us went through that we'd be in much worse shape than you are, champ.

[CapnHook]

Posted: 2/14/10 at 3:19pm

Updated On: 2/14/10 at 03:19 PM

[AbbaRabbit]

Posted: 2/14/10 at 4:45pm

hamster!!!

i did a bit (ok more than a bit) of retail therapy today. double clearance at hot topic and under $5 used DVDs at newbury comics.

[Dollypop]

Posted: 2/14/10 at 5:30pm

ABba, I feel for you. As someone who's undergone several surgeries in the past few years, let me tell you this: The recouperation period is temproary. There is light at the end of the tunnel and in a relatively short period of time, things'll be back to normal.

If that doesn't work, play the obc of HELLO, DOLLY! 10 or 15 times. You'll feel fine.

[sabrelady]

Posted: 2/14/10 at 6:15pm

There has been a lot happening in your life for quite awhile.
The sepsis was only the last and there is a cumulative effect. Anaesthesia certainly enhances fatigue. (I had a scar reduction 2 weeks ago and was shocked @ how exhausted I was for a week + after.) Then I got Norwalk and was down for the count for another week. Give yourself time and space . When I had my total hysterectomy + -I went into depression for about 4 months- i cried myself out and validated what I was feeling and eventually- it lifted and the world got colours again.
This too will pass. It's just never easy when you are in it.

[AbbaRabbit]

Posted: 2/14/10 at 6:40pm

i can feel it start to lift a bit, or maybe i just had a good day today. i was able to get out of the house for a while, and saw a friend i haven't seen in a a few months while i was at the mall. i think getting out of the house helped a lot... i did some things that make me happy... i watched a few movies that i haven't seen in a while, i went to the pet store just to see the animals and get a few treats for my dogs (buying things that make my pets happy makes me happy)
i'm hoping that once i go back to school on tuesday and see my friends i'll feel better too.

[The Grovers Corners Yenta]

Posted: 2/14/10 at 7:16pm

abba. I am with you. I have had 3 major sugeries in 2 years. You should be worried be you are not depressed. Perhaps its your body saying " TAKE CARE OF ME!" you are not alone. Also, the Lupron is a hormone I think. Hormones play a big part in triggering depression. Hang in there!

[AbbaRabbit]

Posted: 2/14/10 at 7:22pm

lupron is a hormone blocker, so as it begins to wear off, the body starts producing estrogen, which my body has become accustomed to not having. it's used to treat endometriosis, uterine fibroids, certain types of reproductive cancer, and can be a starting point for FTM transpeople. i've been on it for a while... i started taking it because i had endometriosis, but was kept on it when i came out as being trans.