AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL: My thoughts exactly!

[Borstalboy]

Posted: 11/8/04 at 11:53am

Yes, yes, yes...I know you all are waaaay too cool for this show, but maybe this little run-down from Salon will convert you. GO TOCCARA!!:

Model citizens
Quiz: What's more provocative than a house full of potty-mouthed cartoon characters and a house full of short-tempered smokers trying to quit combined? That's right, chickens. A house full of short-tempered models trying to win the vaunted title of "America's Next Top Model," mostly by trying not to elicit the scorn of Janice Dickinson.

And could Janice Dickinson be any more scornful? I usually love her surgically enhanced über-demon act, but last week she was downright cruel, saying of Toccara "if her body could just slim down 150 pounds, that would be good." As unrealistic as it might be to push a size-12 into the world of high fashion, let's just keep in mind that this is a TV show, and if Tyra Banks and a gaggle of loyal glue-sniffing viewers like myself can't challenge the fashion industry to accommodate a big-boned gal, well, then, who can or will? Why should the finest clothing look good only on the downright bony among us? If designers actually started to create clothing to fit someone Toccara's size, maybe the rest of us wouldn't feel like lumbering behemoths every time we wandered near a rack of tiny, little trendy clothes that were designed for a preteen's body.
It takes a nation of anorexics and pedophiles to hold us back. But that's OK, at least we get to watch Eva walk. Did you see Eva walk in that Diane Von Furstenberg dress? My God, the way her legs swayed, she looked just like one of those fashion sketches, you know, where the torso is about an inch long, and then these long, curvy legs take up the rest of the page? I kept rewinding and watching over and over again. That's why I love this show, Chicken McNuggets. Because you never really know what it's going to take to win it. One girl looks fantastic from Day 1, but can't open her eyes in the giant fish tank they rented for some demented photo shoot. Another girl looks great in every photo, but lets it slip that she doesn't actually give a rat's ass about becoming a model.

Plus, I don't think I need to remind you that there are catfights and weepy confessions and degenerative diseases and mean Mommies and horrible Wal-Mart jobs waiting back home. I don't think I need to mention, once again, that Tyra drags in the most over-the-top collection of circus freaks to boss the girls around (how about the dude with the eye shadow and the dyed-blond handlebar mustache?), or that the girls tend to run around their apartment in their panties, cooking up brownies and vamping in front of the mirror and ripping each other to shreds for fun.

Of course, I'm sure there are some of you who don't like seeing pretty girls in their underwear and don't like watching the pretty girls try on pretty clothes or bitch at each other or cry on the phone to their idiot boyfriends. I'm not sure I can relate to you people.


Modeling is shallow," you say, and of course you're right. That's why we watch in the first place. Pass the Superglue, dummy.

But the really surprising thing about "America's Next Top Model" is the intelligence and wit and strong personalities of most of the women on the show. Tyra and her casting director really know what they're doing. From Amanda, the feisty, slightly paranoid, witty mother with pale blue eyes that will soon qualify as legally blind, to Ann, the athletic, straight-talking emotional roller coaster, these girls have a lot going on, and every week some new drama ensues, thanks in part to the fact that the producers are hell-bent on torturing the girls.

Last week, they had to rush all over town chatting politely with designers who, in turn, insulted them ruthlessly. (Mark Bauer said he was concerned about the size of one model's hips, then actually pulled out a tape measure and wrapped it around her hips to see how big they were. Um, she's already bulimic, asshole.) The week before that, the girls had to run up 14 flights of stairs, then pose for a photographer at the very moment they wanted to puke their guts out.

Is this whole crazy exercise demeaning and unfair? No more so than the fashion industry itself. If watching these pretty girls weep into their Diet Cokes can make you despise the human beings responsible for setting up an idiotically small body type as the ideal, causing a whole nation of pretty girls to weep into their Diet Cokes just because they ate one too many curly fries for lunch, then Tyra is doing her job. In the meantime, I'm rooting for size-12 Toccara, tiny, little trendy outfits be damned.

[EverythingIsRENT]

Posted: 11/8/04 at 11:58am

great post!! i'm not ashamed to admit i'm addicted to reality trash like Top Model. Janice is a BEYOTCH from heck, and that's part of the reason why I watch! LOL

[Jimmcf]

Posted: 11/8/04 at 12:42pm

This is the first season I have watched, and must say I am hooked. As a "few extra pounds" guy myself, I have been rooting for Tocarra from day 1.

Man, those girls have some ISSUES.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 11/8/04 at 12:45pm

I actually realized this past week that Toccara has it the easiest of all the girls. They all have to starve themselves to stay flat-stomached and teensy, while she has license to eat normally.

[Jimmcf]

Posted: 11/8/04 at 3:45pm

Until they go to designers and they tell her she is too fat for any of their clothes...

Updated On: 11/12/04 at 03:45 PM

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 11/8/04 at 3:48pm

Right. However, was that so unexpected? She knew she'd be competing with classic models. My point is, the other girls are barely eating, and if they are, they're throwing it up, while she's eating normally and not worrying about it.

[Broadway Matt]

Posted: 11/8/04 at 4:05pm

This is one of the only reality shows I enjoy, THE only one this year. I don't even find most of the girls to be that stunningly attractive but they do mostly fit into the archetype of the would-be supermodel. What makes it enjoyable for me is the overflow of ego and attitude, as well as the ridiculous activities that they have to participate in for their challenges. Also, I find the cast of non-contestants to be very entertaining. Between Janice getting venom all over the place with her nastiness, Tyra treating every on-screen moment like it's an audition/interview while contributing nothing, and the assorted other colorful experts, it's a much more interesting dynamic than Trump and his goons.

[bta212]

Posted: 12/1/04 at 10:44pm

So....Norelle goes home. She's been coasting on fumes for weeks--just not a pretty girl.

Who will be America's Next Top Model? Frankly, they're all pretty weak.

Yaya: Pretty enough, but what can she do with that skin?

Amanda: Blind.

Ann: Bitch.

Eva: Pretty, but too short. And so angry: Tyra doesn't like that.

Janice hates 'em all. Maybe Tyra will crown herself ANTM.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 12/1/04 at 10:45pm

I was sad about Norelle - I think she's gorgeous.

I can't believe Amanda has made it this far - she's so odd-looking...

[Millie42]

Posted: 12/1/04 at 10:58pm

I dont watch this show, but I stumbled over a quote in the sound bites section of EW last week... I must share:

"I'm nervous about the whole Tokyo situation. I don't know what to call them--Japanese people or, wait, are they Tokians?"
-Norelle, upon hearing that she's flying to Japan on America's Next Top Model

Sorry if someone mentioned it before, but it was just too amusing to pass up.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 12/1/04 at 11:01pm

Oh well yeah, I never said she had a brain - just that she was gorgeous. This is definitely NOT an intellectual competition.

[bta212]

Posted: 12/1/04 at 11:19pm

Rathnait--I hope I wasn't too harsh about Norelle. I remember last year, I was so protective about my little Shandi--I couldn't stand it when people said she was a featureless anorexic freak with a closet-case boyfriend. It really hurt.

Norelle's just not my idea of pretty--but she should have lasted longer than Amanda.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 12/1/04 at 11:21pm

I LOVED Shandi!! I soooo wanted her to win. SO wanted her to win.

[bta212]

Posted: 12/1/04 at 11:27pm

Right??? Shandi was the only serious contender. C'mon--have you ever actually met a real model? Shandi was the only one who didn't need to lose 40lbs. I'm not in favor of this unrealistic body image for women, I'm just acknowldging reality. Did you see Janice's face (or the mask she has replaced her face with) everytime they talked about Toccara? I seriously thought she would vomit.

Updated On: 12/1/04 at 11:27 PM

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 12/1/04 at 11:31pm

Oh I know! And I'm a big girl, but I'm realistic. Toccara got in only because of the plus-size thing - her face is not model-pretty. If she was the same size as the other girls, she never would have even made it onto the show.

[bta212]

Posted: 12/1/04 at 11:34pm

Geez, Rath--we'll have to agree to agree about Shandi, and no-one else. I thought Toccara's face was SO photogenic. Plus her energy was great. Until, suddenly, her energy "disappeared". All in one episode. Not that these shows are scripted. Nope. Not at all.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 12/1/04 at 11:40pm

It was photogenic compared to my face, that's for damn sure. But not for the modeling world.