Dear Alcohol (this is funny)

[Elphaba]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:18pm

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays,
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests
at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
necessity takes place after 2 a..m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that
I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and
some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater,
but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond
me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)
prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with
a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere
with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In
order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.


Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

[NYadgal]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:18pm

Cheers!

[Elphaba]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:21pm

thank God, I thought you were going to say..."this was posted last week)

[NYadgal]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:22pm

Honey, even if it was, I would NEVER say something like that!

*raises pink drink to Elphaba*

Updated On: 1/9/06 at 03:22 PM

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:24pm

*ponders*

I guess I should really re-think my Karaoke only after 3 martinis rule, eh?

[Millie42]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:26pm

Elphaba, that is a wonderful avatar!

[SkierRob02]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:28pm

SALUD!!

[mominator]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:28pm

I'll drink to that! ***races to find the martini shaker***

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:29pm

Clear chocolate martini for me, mom!

[shameless]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:30pm

I'm just wondering where the hell you found my letter. By the way, the b*stard ignored all of my requests. We are not on good terms.

We still hang out, but there's tension.

[mominator]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:30pm

Clear chocolate? Must google recipe.... BRB

[NYadgal]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:31pm

I like mine with a little caramel on the rim.

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:32pm

I part clear chocolate liquour (sp) and 2 parts vodka vanil.

[mominator]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:33pm

found it!! 1oz vanilla vodka
1oz chocolate liquer

A 2 oz martini? what is this the kiddies table?

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:34pm

Just change it to two parts vodka and all is well with the world.

[doodlenyc]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:34pm

"Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock."


Hee

[mominator]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:39pm

Amen DD. I just saw the recipe and my inner Karen Walker came out!

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:40pm

LOL Mom... I can see it now.

[mominator]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:41pm

Maybe I should add it to my sig?

[Elphaba]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:46pm

day, one of my coworkers was drinking godiva chocolate martinis during our sales conference last week.....I couldn't due to medication I'm on......and I wanted one!

[mominator]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:49pm

Undi you asked!!!! Is it time to pop the popcorn?

[NYadgal]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:49pm

Undi - both.

[mominator]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:51pm

...and so it starts. The long slide down that slippery slope..
(This is going to be fun!!)

[mominator]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:51pm

oops sorry double post!

Updated On: 1/9/06 at 03:51 PM

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 1/9/06 at 3:54pm

Elphaba... white chocolate martinis (preferably clear) are my official winter drink.

*avoids what undi started*