Fate...Destiny....I'm starting to doubt it msy....VERY long post. Bylldog and anyone else who has some choices worth, try to hold back.

Bylldog=Bulldog of course
worth = words in the title.

I'm sorry try ignore the spelling I have to go finished some work in the office and then i'm going to gym. to get a few hours to sleep. Thanks goodness is friday

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I would just suggest that you make sure that there is plenty of Alcohol available at the wedding and keep it flowing. The Alcohol seemed to have helped "open up" unforseen territory in your relationship before. So...let's just start imbibing and see where this may lead.

See what you are capable of, DP? The cold sore comment just masked the sensitive, insightful you that is beloved by many.

I would like to echo DP's comments, Bront, and give you some advice based on my own experience. People say things they don't really mean all the time. The "nothing could tear us apart" thing, for example. I'm not sure why they do it, but they do. The most important thing to remember is that such sweeping romantic thoughts and statements are lovely, but not to be considered binding contracts. If they happen to come true over time, beautiful.

But the sex advice columnist Dan Savage put it best when he said, "All relationships come to an end. Except the one that doesn't."

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Well, I think that both of you, DP and Namo, are showing what really great guys you are.

D

You better BELIEVE I do, Vish. I squeeze the candy cane, too.

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Both Namo and DP are dears, they just pretend not to be.

Bronte, your pain is real. I suggest that you go to the wedding for the sake of the person getting married. Try to make the best of it. I don't suggest getting inebriated or sloppy drunk because that may cause you to say or do things that you will may regret the next day. Time does heal all wounds and hopefully by this time next year, you will be in a healthy, happy relationship. If you are not, you may have at least put the past behind you. Clinging to unhappy things is not healthy and will just cause you more pain. I think we all have been hurt in love and can all emphathize with you. I wish you all the best in this sad situation. Think positive.

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You know, it's funny.... I just started to remember how my ex-fiance and I used to love this time of year. I try not to think about him, mainly as he was truly a child when it came down to it, but sometimes I can't help it.... Especially around this time of year.... Now I feel maudlin. Sigh. Why do you have to have fond memories of the people you hate?

Aye, lassie.

Above all, go to the wedding. Be your own person, independent of another. Just think of it this way: had it not happened at all, you'd be going. You have to move on, because if you don't, you're no better for it.

It's hard to feel maudlin when you're getting a gorgeous snowfall, though. I walked around Lincoln Center tonight; nothing like seeing the tree, the Met and the fountain gleaming from under a layer of snow. And I get a very warm feeling when I catch the scent of Christmas trees and gingerbread and all of those fun things.

We all need a little Christmas....

Papa! You're back!

I had a marriage fall apart after a lot of years (he told me he was leaving on Valentine's Day....how's that for a kick in the ass?). I was devastated. And although I can't really feel it anymore, I remember there was great, great pain.

I finally realized that you can't make someone be who you want them to be, or feel what you want them to feel. None of us has that kind of control over anyone else. What you DO have control over is how you choose to respond to the way things are now. You can choose to go to the wedding, or not. You can choose to speak to her or not. You can choose to fall apart or stay strong if she ignores you or is mean. I'm not sure I'm saying this coherently....but once I realized that it was not in my control to make him love me anymore, I began to work within the parameters of what WAS within my control... and my life began to heal. Sometimes we are given the chance to enjoy a special relationship with someone for just a time; not forever. I think it always make one a richer person to have felt something deeply, even if the cost is the intensity of pain one must work through when the relationship changes, or the person leaves or dies.

All I can tell you, is that if you choose to be okay, eventually you will be. My best friend, Margaret (who died four years ago and knew all my secrets and I still miss every day) and I used to practice "controlled wallowing". When one of us needed to feel really sorry for ourself or was really sad or angry, we'd allow the other person a set amount of time (like 30 minutes....) to wallow to our heart's content. At the end of the allotted time, we had to snap out of it and go back to being functional. It proved to be a very useful technique which I recommend highly. I'm not saying that any of this is quick or easy. I'm just saying that life WILL be okay again.

And I'm also strongly recommending that, on a practical level, it would be extremely wise to avoid drinking alcohol at the wedding. Hell, bum a Xanax from someone, if you must, but drinking when you're emotionally so vulnerable would be a huge mistake.

Good luck. And thank you for being brave enough to post what you did.

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First, thanks for the posts and PM's and for not twisting them around.

Well first of all, I'm kind of uneasy cause when I wrote my first post I was trying not to use the words "she," "her" and stuff like that not being sure how somepeople may take it. The fact that I slipped up...I don'tknow how that makes me feel.
Well, I must respectfully disagree about the catalyst thing. I had just come home from LA after 3 months and things were really great. I was sick for awhile and when my mom was at work (I couldn;t drive cause of the meds) she'd come over to see me and we'd usually fall asleep.
What I'm thinking from what I have heard from a friend of ours is that she got the feeling her parents may have known (her mom married, 2 kids, nice house, etc.).It was something like we were on the coach watching TV when her parents were out in a room that faces the backyard and has windows. Supposedly, her older brother walked in the backyard, saw the light on, glanced in and saw her kiss me for was probably all of two seconds.
Soon after that her mom would always question my friend about certain guys and she couldn't have missed how uninterested she was.
The problem with the two of us wasn't love cause we adored each other. It was the outside world. I admit I'd be scared as hell if I knew I'd have to tell my friends. The problems (some of them) were us sneaking around, lying to our friends and family, we knew we couldn't tell them tell the but that didn't make things easier. Plus she could never do that to her mother and I respected that. At the tine she was in and out of a hospital for a bit, then I was and it's hard to find common ground when one is THIS may sound trite, but sometimes when you know people well all you have to do is look them in the eye and know. I can't describe it, it's just too complicated.

There are a few things people mentioned that reminded me of things, one was that she's "obviously moved on..." I know through someone that she is handling this the same way I am.and told my friend (who she told about this) that it's not exactly something you can stop feeling, especially since starting all this was...unexpected. She also said as much as she wants to see me, she's scared of what she may feel if she does and if something happens she doesn't know if she could "have the strength to end it again.
As for the wedding I will end up going, the bride is one of my very good friends and if i don't go, she would know exactly why and i'd never hurt someone like that.

Fortunenatly I have a very talented therapist (who actually met my friend by accident one time) The xanax sounds good though too...as long as it's the size of a doughnut.
As for alcohol, probably a bad idea. Not that I'd make a scene but that I just would be upset since it's a depressant and all.

namo i can see your point, no doubt about it. if this was some some short lived fling or something, i'd agree even more. but since i knew her as a friend before and know that she had never said that to anyone outside her family...call me foolish, but as upset i am with her, I know what's still there, and she does too accorrdig to my friend. that's one reason i aked about meeting people to early in life....if we had met later without parents around and stuff, maybe we wouuld have had a chance,

What I hate is that now i'll never know.....

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