Friday Mid-Morning Chuckle - Brain Cramps

[Matt_G]

Posted: 11/19/04 at 11:23am

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Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever, but we
cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not
with all
those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for
federal anti-smoking campaign.

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I'm
just the one to do it," --A democratic congressional candidate in
Texas.

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies
manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our
air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President (DUH)

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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we
need?"--Lee Iacocca

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"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
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"We don 't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton,
President

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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al
Gore, VP (damn he's smart)

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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply
if there is a change in your circumstances"
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go
to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead,
there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

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Feeling smarter yet?

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 11/19/04 at 11:26am

I'm just grateful there is no one monitoring and reporting on everything I say.

Updated On: 11/19/04 at 11:26 AM

[broadwayguy2]

Posted: 11/19/04 at 11:43am

that.is. HILARIOUS.

[KMF_NYC]

Posted: 11/19/04 at 12:08pm

The Mariah Carey quote is frightening!

Posted: 11/19/04 at 12:34pm

I think it was Yogi Berra who said "Half of this game is 90% mental"

[TGIF]

Posted: 11/19/04 at 12:41pm

I have a headache now...

[The Grovers Corners Yenta]

Posted: 11/19/04 at 3:57pm

I think the info that Matt posted came from the Department of Redundancy Department.