Ignorance like this disgusts me.....ARE YOU A GOTH??

[CatieElphie1]

Posted: 3/4/05 at 9:32pm

So an explaination....a while back, a girl in my hometown was murdered and the person who did it turned out to be a 16 year old goth....and then the trouble started. Most everyone in my communtiy is cool, but we do have a few freaky people...this came out a few weeks later..
(the first comments are from the guy who sent it to me, but he's really funny, so I left them on..

IS YOUR CHILD A GOTH? Presented by St. Xx's (edited) Church

Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord. Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in. The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child.

- FREQUENTLY WEARS BLACK CLOTHING.
(Guilty. I must wear black because I have Gothic tendancies, not because I just like the way I look in black. Afterall, no one would, because black is such an oppressive color and color indicates allegience. Just look at all the sports teams. In this case, if you wear black, you're on team Goth!)
Damn! So does that mean set crew = goth? What about easter mass at Christ the King??? We have to wear concert black! Oh my god!

- WEARS BAND AND/OR ROCK T-SHIRTS.
Can't you just be a fan of a band? Nope. You may be Goth...
Indeed….or broadway shirts. Those are black…two for two so far…uh oh…


- WEARS EXCESSIVE BLACK EYE MAKEUP, LIPSTICK, OR NAIL POLISH.
(Yes, only Goths do this.)

Not that it could be for a part or anything….or even, just Bad makeup…..freshmen and eyeliner anyone??


- WEARS ANY ODD SILVER JEWELRY OR SYMBOLS.
(I am so glad that I gave up wearing my silver jewelry. Seriously, I used to wear silver necklace thingies. I may be Goth).

Three for four so far…I guess my Celtic knots must count…but those are prob’ly, you know, Satanic, so…..


- SHOWS AN INTEREST IN PIERCINGS OR TATTOOS.
(Guilty. But you try telling bikers that they're really Goth.)

Mmnmm…maybe Jesus is praying for me in heaven!!!


- LISTENS TO GOHIC OR ANY OTHER ANTI-SOCIAL GENRES OF MUSIC (MARILYN MANSON CLAIMS TO BE THE ANTI-CHRIST, AND PUBLICLY SPEAKS AGAINST THE LORD. PLEASE DISCARD SUCH ALBUMS IMMEDIATELY).
(Crap. Number three for me. I'm only two away from being a Goth and needing real help.)

Oh NO!!!! what to do?? Obviously Avenue Q…speaks about gay people….pre-martital sex….MUST be satanic!!


- ASSOCIATES WITH OTHER PEOPLE THAT DRESS, ACT, OR SPEAK ECCENTRICALLY.
(Argh! Number four! Why are you guys so eccentric?!)

I’m officially a goth by this survey…..but it’s not my fault my friends are freaks…no offense…..why are you all so damn eccentric???

- SHOWS A DECLINING INTEREST IN WHOLESOME ACTIVITIES, SUCH AS: THE BIBLE, PRAYER, CHURCH, OR SPORTS. (
Sports? Huh? What?)

’m fat..I’m not supposed to like sports…and a declining intrest?? What??? Not with a church who puts this kind of usefull information out! They MUST be goth to want to get out of that!!!!
- SHOWS AN INCREASING INTEREST IN DEATH, VAMPIRES, MAGIC, THE OCCULT, WITCHCRAFT, OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT INVOLVES SATAN.
(Frak me with a spoon. I like vampire stories/movies. That's my fifth one. I may be Goth.)

So…what you’re saying is is that I can never read another work of science fiction again….I see. I’m sooo goth.

- TAKES DRUGS.
(Is Robert Downey Jr. a Goth?)
well, not so much here....

- DRINKS ALCOHOL.
(Six! Darn you Gendler's! You've ruined my wholesome reputation! Or was that my declining interest in sports...?)
...or here..
- IS SUICIDAL AND/OR DEPRESSED.
(Yes, because life can't just suck at some points.)
or a person can't just have a serious problem that needs compassion and understanding...nope...they must be satan's servant.....

- CUTS, BURNS, OR PARTAKES IN ANY OTHER METHOD OF SELF-MUTILATION (THIS IS A SATANIC RITUAL THAT USES PAIN TO DETRACT FROM THE LIGHT OF GOD AND HIS LOVE. PLEASE SEEK IMMEDIATE ATTENTION FOR THIS AT YOUR LOCAL MENTAL HEALTH CENTER). (
Uh, hello? While cutting and burning one's self is a serious problem and should be countered with counseling, that's dog crap about it all being a Satanic ritual. It's a mental disorder, not occult - some cylinders just aren't firing properly in the brain and the individual is taking things out on themselves in a self-destructive manner. To automatically say it's Satan is ignorance.)

ditto

- COMPLAINS OF BOREDOM
. (Son of a...I live in the Quad Cities for goodness sake! Of course I'm bored!)
I live in Silvis for cripe's sake.......
- SLEEPS TOO EXCESSIVELY OR TOO LITTLE. (Wait a second. They may have something here. I slept ten hours a couple nights ago, yet woke up at 3 am today. Hmmm. I'm so goth.)

NOT THAT I"M IN FRIGGIN HIGH SCHOOL OR ANYTHING...I must be goth.
-
IS EXCESSIVELY AWAKE DURING THE NIGHT. (
Yes, because sleeping disorders automatically indicate gothic tendancies.)
or you know, maybe it was all that satanic sleeping during the day....or what if they work 3rd shift???

- DEMANDS AN UNUSAL AMOUNT OF PRIVACY.
(Oh yeah, because everyone always wants to be around people and if you don't, you're Goth. I guess this is just another one to add to the things of what makes me a Goth.)
I have a brother...nuff said.

- SPENDS LARGE AMOUNTS OF TIME ALONE.
(Again, another indicator that I'm Goth.)
sigh.......I think I'm doomed to helll

- REQUESTS TIME ALONE AND QUIETNESS (THIS IS SO THAT YOUR CHILD MAY SPEAK TO EVIL SPIRITS THROUGH MEDITATION).
(Uh, riiiiigght. I like how this one gives you the sign and then automatically tells you what your child is doing with their alone time. I like time alone and quietness. I must be speaking to evil spirits through meditation. Or reading, or writing, or praying. No, wait. I'd never do those things in my quiet time. I'm soooo Goth.)

not that I could be praying or writing or reading...wait...Jesse is SO on it today!

- INSISTS ON SPENDING TIME WITH FRIENDS WHILE UNACCOMPANIED BY AN ADULT.
(Crap! They've got me so pinned as a Goth that it isn't even funny!)

Well, if your parent is this freaky and weird, why wouldn't you wnat time alone???

- DISREGARDS AUTHORITY FIGURES: TEACHERS, PRIESTS, NUNS, AND ELDERS ARE BUT A FEW EXAMPLES.

(C'mon, who really regards a nun as an authority figure?)
Anyone who's ever seen Sister Ruth pissed......but I go to Alleman, so.....

- MISBEHAVES AT SCHOOL.
(Well, I blackmailed a teacher once. Does that count?)
Right. So the entire student body of alleman is goth, apparently.....

- MISBEHAVES AT HOME.
(Ha.)
Dude.....it's me.
-
EATS EXCESSIVELY OR TOO LITTLE.
(I'm fat and I'm Gothic. Get used to it.)

So yeah...what he said.
-
EATS GOTH-RELATED FOODS (COUNT CHOCULA CEREAL IS AN EXAMPLE OF THIS).
(*Hangs head in disbelief*)
What the...............????????

- DRINKS BLOOD OR EXPRESSES AN INTEREST IN DRINKING BLOOD (VAMPIRES BELIEVE THIS IS HOW TO ATTAIN SATAN. THIS ACT IS VERY DANGEROUS AND SHOULD BE STOPPED IMMEDIATELY).
(Again, another ignorant statement. This thing is full of them, isn't it? Vampires do not drink blood "to attain Satan." Vampires drink blood in order to live. They're parasites and take life in order to further their own.)

Sigh. I hate the ignorant.. alot.

- WATCHES CABLE TELEVISION OR ANY OTHER CORRUPTED MEDIA SOURCE (ASK YOUR LOCAL CHURCH FOR PROPER PROGRAMS THAT YOUR CHILD MAY WATCH).
(Yes. Television will lead you straight to hell. Remember that kiddies.)

This is seriously starting to scare me...I'm such a hardcore goth.....

- PLAYS VIDEO GAMES THAT CONTAIN VIOLENCE OR ROLE-PLAYING NATURE. (
Video games will lead you straight to hell, too.)

Is there a video game out there that dosn't contain violence or role playing in some nature?? And that dson't suck???

- USES THE INTERNET EXCESSIVELY AND FREQUENTLY MAKES TIME FOR THE COMPUTER. (
The computer will lead you straight to hell.)

Ooops. Sigh. I think that satan owns my soul......

- MAKES SATANIC SYMBOLS AND/OR VIOLENTLY SHAKES HEAD TO MUSIC.
(What makes a symbol Satanic? And how does enjoying one's music make them Goth?)

I think this is referring to a slayer, and apparently headbanging will send you to hell.

- DANCES TO MUSIC IN PROVOCATIVE OR SEXUAL MANNER. (Hey, that's the style these days. Doesn't make it right, but doesn't make it Goth either.)

Indeed

- EXPRESSES AN INTEREST IN SEX.
(Holy. Crap. All of our ancestors must be Goth! I mean, we wouldn't be here if THEY hadn't been interested in sex. Put two and two together, and it looks like the answer's coming up Goth!)

Indeed. We're all going to burn in hell.

- MASTURBATES.
(Right. I totally see this. Because no one's ever just been sexually frustrated.)

So every guy that has ever gone to Alleman is goth...........

- IS HOMOSEXUAL AND/OR BISEXUAL.
(Beware, your hair stylist may be a Goth!)

And all the actors.....run away from the queers...you'll catch queer cooties and burn in hell....

- PURSUES DANGEROUS CULT RELIGIONS. SUCH INCLUDE: SATANISM, SCIENTOLOGY, PHILOSOPHY, PAGANISM, WICCA, HINDUISM, AND BUDDHISM.
(All of Asia - Goth. John Travolta - Goth. The Blair Witch - Goth. Chicago Bulls - Goth.)

So every single great philosphical mind dating back to acnceint greece and rome was a goth???

- WEARS PINS, STICKERS, OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT CONTAINS THESE VARIOUS PHRASES: "I'M SO GOTHIC, I'M DEAD," "WOE IS ME," "I'M A GOTH." (
I can see this. Afterall, I've used the phrase "I'm so goth" about a dozen times now in this piece. Means I'm Goth. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't "Woe is me" derived from the book of Isaiah in the Old Testament? So, isn't it possible that if your child is wearing that button he's actually being an evangelist and not a Goth? I think it's just as likely.)

Or wears pins that say.....Get your own tots. I'm surpized they didn't put shops at such Hardcore shops like Hot Topic(ha) on the list....

- CLAIMS TO BE A GOTH.
(There you have it. The most likely sign that your child is a Goth - they own up to it. I don't know about anyone else, but if I found my children taking after my Gothic tendancies and claiming to be a Goth, I'd beat them to within an inch of their life and then some.)

Sheesh, jesse...you're going easy on the little devils. I'd starve mine and lock mine in a cage.......

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center.

~St. Xx's Catholic Church

Updated On: 3/4/05 at 09:32 PM

[CatieElphie1]

Posted: 3/4/05 at 9:34pm

sorry this is so long...but seriously...who are they kidding....
anyone could fit at least 10 of these....so lock me up, I guess mom!

[LaeloftheLakes]

Posted: 3/5/05 at 12:58am

I'm so sorry...I know I should find this scary...but it's WAAAAY too funny...

[StickToPriest]

Posted: 3/5/05 at 1:05am

EATS GOTH-RELATED FOODS (COUNT CHOCULA CEREAL IS AN EXAMPLE OF THIS).

Yeah.
Definitely way too funny/sad/idiotic.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 3/5/05 at 1:08am

This isn't funny. If goths are allowed to continue their unbridled gathering and hanging out, the clove crop will be wiped out to manufacture their preferred cigarrettes. Bela Lugosi's dead, you losers.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 3/5/05 at 1:09am

thats soooo funny. im still giggling. im gonna have to send it off to all my friends now. and my mom. to scare her.

[midnghtdolphin]

Posted: 3/5/05 at 1:31am

witchcraft has nothing to do with the occult. it deals with using nature thank you very much. nothing satanic there, but i like vampires, so i must be wrong. people irritate me.

[feinstein9]

Posted: 3/5/05 at 3:23am

i wonder if they realize that nearly all of those describe all teenagers? i'm not "goth" but i answered yes to almost all of them... except some of the more extreme/scary ones (i.e. drinking blood). those writers are bloody idiots.

[paradox_error]

Posted: 3/5/05 at 3:56am

My favourite is: "IS HOMOSEXUAL AND/OR BISEXUAL"

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but it's rather difficult to be homosexual AND bisexual at the same time, isn't it?

And then:

"PURSUES DANGEROUS CULT RELIGIONS. SUCH INCLUDE: SATANISM, SCIENTOLOGY, PHILOSOPHY, PAGANISM, WICCA, HINDUISM, AND BUDDHISM."

Oh god! Philosophy! And I just thought it was a useless degree that people do when they don't know what they want to do! Argh! Goths!

Wow...this was too funny! And the religious right can't understand why people are moving away from the church?

[papalovesmambo]

Posted: 3/5/05 at 8:40am

i'm shocked that st. Xx's (edited) church would so blatantly rip off jefff foxworthy.

[Albin]

Posted: 3/5/05 at 9:53am

Why edited church's name? They should be held up to ridicule for putting out crap like this?

[paradox_error]

Posted: 3/5/05 at 10:08am

probably because it will indicate where she lives as well...

[playbill_signer_05]

Posted: 3/5/05 at 10:19am

Uh-oh you guys! Don't go anywhere near the continent of Asia! The "cult" of Buddhists and Hindus will drink your blood to "attain Satan"!
*rolls eyes in frustration*

[FenderShredder90]

Posted: 3/5/05 at 10:49am

omfg

I'm so Goth.

I eat Count Chocula. I watch Cable. I use the Internet. I eat a lot. OH MY GOD I'M DOOMED TO HELL!

What a bunch of bull****

[insomniak]

Posted: 3/5/05 at 11:36am

Hey, I'm going to hell! I wear eyeliner and black clothing and I spend way too much time online here at bww! But I don't really mind, because this entire board will be burning right along with me. Everyone here is a net addict. It'll be fun!

[Liam]

Posted: 3/5/05 at 11:59am

<~~~~~~~LOOK AT ME!!!IM 17 OF THEM



oh yes i am soo goth!!!!!
!

[Liam]

Posted: 3/5/05 at 11:59am

"SHAKES HEAD TO MUSIC."

[jrb_actor]

Posted: 3/5/05 at 12:24pm

Ignorance is NOT bliss.

[Retarded Monkey]

Posted: 3/15/05 at 11:19am

lol im such a goth i listen to marilyn manson, i like to be alone, if i bleed i drink my blood, i disrespect figures of authority, i wear alot of black, i like piercings and tatoos, i drink alchohol, i sleep to much, i watch cable tv and play violent video games. IM DAMNED TO THE DEEPEST LEVELS OF HELL.

But seriously this is why i hate religion, and especially christianity the church is way too quick to pass judgement on people and for that i hate them.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 3/15/05 at 2:10pm

LIAM! You got 17 on that quiz? WHICH of those are you? And here I thought you were a NICE boy!

If you don't answer I'll have to assume it's the Privacy and Count Chocula.....

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 3/15/05 at 2:28pm

Hey Namo! I'm Goth! Who'd have thought it?

[Rose_MacShane]

Posted: 3/15/05 at 2:37pm

...oh no! All this time I thought I was just different...turns out I'm one of SATAN'S MINIONS!! Help! Help! I need an old priest and a young priest!
(runs around like a chicken with its head cut off)