Let's Cast BROADWAY BITCHSLAP, THE MUSICAL COMEDY

[PalJoey]

Posted: 8/9/05 at 8:03pm

Now that the public feud between MICHAEL JOHN LA CHIUSA and MARC LUKE LA SHAIMAN has gone from an opera rag no one reads and the Internet (which is for porn) to the pages of Variety and (soon) who KNOWS what next...

It's time to cast the musical COMEDY version of the story!

Who plays LaChiusa? (Hiss! Boo! The villain! Kevin Spacey?)

Who plays LaShaiman? (Graceful! Elegant! Dolores Gray!)

Who plays their partners? their lovers? their colleagues? their celebrity dogwalkers? their ass-kissing acolytes, sycophants and apologists?

Who plays the much-maligned Susan Stroman (must look good in a baseball cap) and the long-suffering Jerry Mitchell (must look good in a loincloth.)

Who plays Mel Brooks--and who plays WOO?


Inside Move: LaChiusa's criticism draws blood, retorts

Updated On: 8/9/05 at 08:03 PM

[Marc Shaiman]

Posted: 8/9/05 at 9:08pm

oh MY!

[PalJoey]

Posted: 8/9/05 at 9:58pm

This Opera News article may very well turn out to be the longest-running thing Michael John has ever written.

[CostumeMistress]

Posted: 8/9/05 at 10:06pm

Oh, do I get to do costumes?

LaChiu in a suit with poorly-sewn shoulders that make it difficult to wave the arms expressively, thus conveying the apparent inner frustration of the character without having to print it in supertitles.

LaShai in something flowing and free-spirited and in a lovely shade of royal blue because... um, because I like royal blue. And because I got a kickass price when I bought it wholesale.

And that loincloth you mentioned... I will gladly hand-stitch it. I WILL do all the measurements by hand as well.

Finally, as to who plays Woo... I think Woo would be the best one to choose the lovely blonde to play her in the role.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 8/9/05 at 10:19pm

Put some fur on that Milky White suit and get that damn Chad Kimball back on all fours as the dog. Born again quadraped, woof woof.

[Marc Shaiman]

Posted: 8/9/05 at 10:35pm

oh dear!

[Marquise]

Posted: 8/9/05 at 10:42pm

having a succesful musical currentlyon the boards is the best revenge against chuisa. how unprofessional of him to even write an article that. the broadway community should line up and bitch slap him.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 8/9/05 at 11:09pm

Okay, I think there should be a show within the show.

Marc and the other guy have agreed to appear at the big BroadwayCares benefit. At the last minute, they find out their assignment is to do a duet! Marc figures what the hell and rolls with the idea, while the other guy fumes and smolders in Javertian rage. The song they are scheduled to do? "Bosom Buddies" from Mame. The other guy is apoplectic when he finds out that Jerry Mitchell (Marc Kudisch) is directing the number, and that it ends with both he and Marc in contrasting red and black jockstraps.

Audiences will howl during the scene that's an homage to Annie Hall, when Marc (Shaiman not Kudisch) pulls Stephen Sondheim (Terrance Mann) from behind an Assassins poster to inform the other guy, "I'm Stephen Sondheim, you know NOTHING of my work..."

[Marc Shaiman]

Posted: 8/9/05 at 11:15pm

I demand that I get to wear the red jockstrap!

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 8/9/05 at 11:17pm

I thought that went without saying.

[CostumeMistress]

Posted: 8/10/05 at 12:16am

But-but-but... but... royal blue... *sniffle*

[PalJoey]

Posted: 8/10/05 at 12:25am

There, there, dear. Don't sniffle. You'll probably win a Tony for that jockstrap.

[Justice]

Posted: 8/10/05 at 4:36am

Can I play Toni Collete in the first act and Harvey Fierstein in the second???

Updated On: 8/10/05 at 04:36 AM

[Broadwayboobs]

Posted: 8/10/05 at 5:13am

Just whatever you do DO NOT put Mandy Patakin in this show or I'll have to get up on stage and do some bitchslappin' of my own !!!!

[MasterLcZ]

Posted: 8/10/05 at 8:25am

A finale contest where LaChiusa and Shaiman re-do each other's works.

LaChiusa would syage HELLO AGAIN, BALTIMORE: a searing tone-poem-song-cycle-with-exquisite-lyric-placement indictment of racism, consumer culture and an exploration adolescent angst and hormonal urges, starring Audra McDonald as a chubby white girl in Baltimore c. 1962. Co-Starring Mark Morris as her her mother Edna and Tonya Pinkins as her father, Wilbur, it would feature guest star Karen Findley appearing as a Greek Chorus while smearing herself with the contents of pink and blue jars of Dippidy-Do.

Shaiman's re-think of MARIE CHRISTINE would be VOODOO MAMMA! Set in Watts in the early 1970s, It features Mary Bond Davis (in a HUUUGE afro and gold platform strut-yo-stuff boots by William Ivey Long) as sassy Mary-Chriss, a former voodoo priestess who loves a perpetually stoned hippy rock-star (Matthew Morrison) who leaves her for a groupie chick (Marissa Jaret Winokur). But don't mess with Mary-Chiss! She sends the groupie a set of killa "love beads" and poisions her children with some funky gumbo. Don't miss Jerry Mitchell's "Big Mack Daddy" dream ballet!

Updated On: 8/10/05 at 08:25 AM

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 8/10/05 at 9:20am

Master, you had me at "a searing tone-poem-song-cycle-with-exquisite-lyric-placement," but I was swooning by the Dippity Doo.

I think it's key that we can get somebody to play Marc Shaiman who can work every level and nuance of this story and be able to make it engrossing even for the few who haven't read the other guy's article or the response to it. For that, I would cast our own Robbiej.

As for the role of the other guy, I just don't know. I keep thinking persnickity cultural commentator and end up with Michael Medved.

[MasterLcZ]

Posted: 8/10/05 at 9:35am

Thank you Namo...but we need one more thing for Mark's segment... A heartwarming, seems-like-old-times duet for two secondary audience favorites.

How about...a song for two reunited, long lost brothers: Bill and George Clinton!

They could perform it on the BOOTSY COLLINS SHOW!

Updated On: 8/10/05 at 09:35 AM

[PalJoey]

Posted: 8/10/05 at 10:04am

You guys are TOO mean!

[TheatreDiva90016]

Posted: 8/10/05 at 12:23pm

Costume Mistress-

I'll give you a hand, I know what color works for Marc....

[Marc Shaiman]

Posted: 8/10/05 at 2:07pm

Master,

bravo.

[shira467]

Posted: 8/10/05 at 2:11pm

When can I buy tickets?