Shallow or selfish -- what advice would you give

[KMF_NYC]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 2:44pm

I was having dinner with friends last night and one of them said he just met this great guy (gender is not important to this, so relax, it's not another gay thing) that he was interested in pursuing but he smoked...friend was afraid to get to know more intimately because he couldn't "deal" with a smoker/partner...

There were varied opinions -- one was don't pursue it further -- you are bound for disappointment. Another said go for it and have mints readily available and the other was tell him you don't like smokers and he should smoke when together...

Your thoughts...

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 2:45pm

Well living with a smoker can be hard if you don't smoke. So it's kind of smart to nip it in the bud before it goes further, in my opinion.

[Matt_G]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 2:45pm

Yikes. Well, smoking has always been a dealbreaker with me personally. I just can't stand it and I hate what it does to a person.

[Nina]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 2:50pm

I've been in that situation before. If a non smoker is that adament about it, they need to avoid partnering with a smoker. You cannot make a smoker quit unless they really are motivated. Even then it is extremely difficult for them to do it. Complaints and nagging will ruin the relationship quickly.

I do know couples where one smokes and the other doesn't. The smoker agrees to only smoke outdoors. It's a compromise but, the non smoker needs to be sure they can live with that. Otherwise, forget it. It won't work.

[SonofMammaMiaSam]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 2:52pm

Smokers and dogs/cats (allergic, not an animal hater) are deal breakers for me. I've tried to make it work many, many times. It never does.

[BroadwayMonkey]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 2:53pm

If he can't deal with being in a relationship with a smoker, then I don't think he should pursue this, unless they work out some kind of deal, lke Nina said. Only smoking outdoors, or something.

[Bobby457]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 2:56pm

I think its kind of shallow...as smoking can be such a small part of them. It was be ashame not to get to know them just becasue of that.

Deal breakers for me are of the physical nature...now THAT is shallow! oh well

[Plum]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 2:58pm

As someone posted before, smokers can only quit if they're really motivated. They won't quit because someone they just starting dating is asking them to. If the person asking them to quit is a long-term partner, however, it might be a different story. Maybe. I do know people whose spouses have gotten them to quit.

[Broadwayboobs]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 2:59pm

You know what is really shallow?? Someone who makes Danny Bonaducci wait years for them.

[KMF_NYC]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 3:01pm

I was the one who gave the dealbreaker advice and got jumped on by some of the others at the table asking how I cold be so cruel --

I don't see it as cruel, just honest -- thanks for your opinions

[Bobby457]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 3:36pm

how is it for you KMF? Does it bother you?

[eyeonbroadway]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 3:42pm

It isn't shallow to recognize what you can tolerate and what you can't in a relationship. It's much more realistic than believing you can change someone's habits or hold your breath. I suppose there are some non-smokers out there that could deal with it just fine, but if you know you can't it's better to be honest about it. I couldn't.

[KMF_NYC]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 3:43pm

smoke -- yeah it does...I'm one of the few who did handstands when the NYC ban went into effect

[Bobby457]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 3:45pm

I do like the fact that I dont smell like a stale cigarette when I come home from a bar...

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 3:46pm

Bobby, you've obviously never tried to live with a smoker. Most of us didn't have this as a dealbreaker, I would bet, until we realized what it was actually like on a day to day basis.

[CJR]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 3:47pm

A really good friend of mine has non smoker on his tiny list of must haves for a woman. I don't think it's shallow -- if you can't deal with it, you can't deal with it. Personally, I used to be a smoker, and still smoke occasionally (when stressed out) but would never date a man who smokes. It really doesn't matter how many mints you pop; you'll still taste the cigarette when you kiss them.

[Bobby457]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 3:48pm

My mother smoked my entire life while I was home....

PS...IM A STAR!!!

[glitzguy3]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 3:48pm

i think it needs to be addressed right away.


smoking is certainly a NO for me!

what are your physical dealbreakers, bobby??????? =)

[Sunfish]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 3:49pm

If the non-smoker really can't stand it, don't get into it. The smoker will not appreciate being expected to change after-the-fact. It won't work. The non-smoker had better be willing to go as much half-way as the smoker or forget it.

Would you like it if your partner insisted that you go outside to drink every cup of coffee? Or every beer or martini? Yeah, there's the shared health risk of smoking, etc. but essentially you are asking your partner to leave their home every time they do something that is both pleasurable and necessary to them. Who can blame them if they eventually leave for other pleasurable and necessary things?

I am not a smoker, but I am partnered with one. I wish that quitting was an option, but it's not. By choice my partner doesn't smoke in the bedroom and tries to be considerate and keep the smoke away from me in the other living areas. Open windows and such. We both give where we can.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 4:02pm

I'm in this situation myself - I smoke and he doesn't. I am currently in the process of trying to quit - for the third time. It isn't a deal breaker for us, but it ABSOLUTELY 'clouds' our relationship, so to speak. It is important on many levels.

[KMF_NYC]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 4:03pm

I hope you are quitting for yourself DG --

[papalovesmambo]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 4:10pm

interesting, i would never have though of it as a deal breaker and still don't. i was a smoker for almost 20 years. i smoked when i met my wife and she still does. she doesn't go outside to do it and i would never ask that of her.

if you know that going in you are adamantly against smoking, you are just buying trouble getting involved with a smoker.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 4:11pm

kmf - yes, but that also includes doing it for us - because i selfishly want our relationship to be as balanced and peaceful as it can be, and this impedes that. I've smoked for 23 years, and it's a disgusting, filthy, horrible habit - that I love. But I love some things more

[KMF_NYC]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 4:13pm

thats great DG...also have fun at Hairspray -- saw it here in NYC...

[papalovesmambo]

Posted: 8/17/04 at 4:14pm

good luck, d. remember, no pressure. just let it happen.