So I Just Applied To Washington Post's Date Lab (Ridiculous Application)

[Schmerg_The_Impaler]

Posted: 12/24/08 at 1:00pm

"But Schmerg," you may say, "you are seriously underage! You can't apply to Date Lab!"

"That doesn't matter," I say, "because they would never accept my application anyway! It's totally insane!"

DATE LAB APPLICATION

Full name:
Schmerg_The_Impaler

Date of Birth:
April 14th, 1789

Phone number:
911

Email address:
[e-mail]

Neighborhood:
Behind you

City:
Ankh-Morpork

State:
In a wretched state

In six words or less, tell us your occupation:
I run a baby cemetery

Rarely is someone living in DC actually from DC. So how long have you been here?
Since Adams’ inauguration.

Where are you from originally?
Revolutionary France. I've been in a morgue for most of my existence, with my head in a separate container.

If you are only in DC for a set, temporary period (because of, say, an internship, fellowship, summer break, etc.) when will you be leaving? (We need a date, please.
I will leave only when I am entirely satiated with blood.

You are:
Gender is irrelevant.

Marital status:
Never married, for some reason.

Whom do you date?
Anything, really.

Do you:
Smoke? Yes
Details: I smoke a delightful mixture of crack, tobacco, old toenails, iguanas, and pop-tarts. Clears the mind.

Drink? Yes
Details: Blood

Attend religious services? Yes
Details: Regular satanic coven meetings. Oh, and I have a superficial interest in the Mormon faith.

Own a car? No
Details: Black chariot pulled by vultures and maggots

Eat meat? Yes
Details: Only human

Have pets? Yes
If so, what kind? Seven humans in a cage and a darling komodo dragon I call Squiffy.

Have kids? How many?
Countless, but it doesn't matter; they've all been violently killed at this point

How would you describe your race/ethnicity?
(Feel free to use the blank below to give us any pertinent details.)
You are:
Other
Details: Yellowish-green and suspiciously waxy-looking

Quick — what's the first thing you do when you get up in the morning?
Your mom.

What's the last book you read?
"Twilight." That and "To Serve Man."

What's the last song you couldn't get out of your head?
The Hitcher Song-- The Mighty Boosh
And the screams of agony of my many victims.

If you could have any superpower, which one would you want? Why?
The power to liquify flesh with the naked eye.

You took a three-hour tour with some friends, and now you're stranded on this island. Which three foods do you wish you'd remembered to pack?
The three friends I brought with me, of course!

Which three DVDs?
Ummm... home movies of various violent murders, "Hostel," and Hannah Montana.

Which three people do you wish you had along?
Michael Ball, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Jack Black. I could exist for weeks on their carcasses!

Imagine your dating history is being turned into a TV show. Pitch it to us.
Well, first of all, viewer discretion is strongly advised. It'd be called "Dinner and a Show." The credits would be played on the flayed hide of my unfortunate date du jour, long since stripped from the body.

What's the first drink you'd order in a bar?
The bartender.

What are the chances you'd then start talking to the stranger next to you and end up making a new friend?
The chances I'd talk are high. The chances I'd make a new friend are slim. At least, not a...long-lasting one.

What's the first thing people notice when they walk into your home?
Well, first of all, that it's a crypt. Second of all, that all of the furniture is constructed from bones. Third of all, the lovely, pungent odor of decomposing bodies. Fourth of all, that they've been tied to the bed with steel cables. And fifth of all, the fabulous feng shui, the artistic framed murder-scene photographs, the wonderful way the blood-red walls complement the black carpet, and the My Little Pony themed guest bedroom.

When are you happiest?
When other people are utterly miserable.

In what ways would you say you are very D.C.?
I'm a ruthless cuthroat. And I belong in a museum of ancient history.

In what ways aren't you?
I never wear suits.

Think about the last couple of people you dated (and, yes, "only once" counts). How/where did you meet those people?
Dark alleyways, or when they stumble into my decrepit abode to find shelter from the storm. (And I never date twice!)

C'mon, brag a little: What makes you a good catch?
I'm cute, fun, intelligent, funny, sexy, and I can pierce steel with my fangs.

So, what's your type? (And don't tell us you don't have one — that's such a cop-out.)
Vulnerable, helpless, tied down, bleeding profusely, and a good conversationalist with a soft spot for puppies and children!

What's his/her theme song? You know, the one set off in your head when you see 'em?
"Chow Down"-- The Lion King

Most singletons say they want to meet someone funny. But what's your idea of funny?
When people say, "You wouldn't dare!" GETS ME EVERY TIME!

Pie-in-the-sky time: In your wildest dreams, whom (or what kind of person) would you like to date?
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Bella Swan.

Imagine your date writes you that s/he is "equally comfortable in jeans or in formal attire." Your reaction?
Oh, don't wear either, please.

What was your best date ever?
Ever wondered what happened to Amelia Earhardt?

What was your worst?
The one that got away. And people wondered what happened to Michael Jackson that made him turn so... strange!

What hobbies/interests/outlooks/passions would you hope to share with your date?
Mainly my culinary interests. But I also enjoy roller-skating, disemboweling small creatures, tap-dancing in the rain, stabbing pedestrians with my stiletto toenails, and long walks on the beach.

In what ways would you hope s/he differs from you?
I'd prefer my date to be alive... at first...

What's the worst reason you've ever broken up with someone? (We're all seriously petty at times.)
Broken up WITH, or just broken up, period? Because I sometimes rip people to shreds for the silliest reasons, I must admit. Like wearing white shoes after Labor Day.

In your world, what features or characteristics would normally rule someone out as a dating possibility?
I'll really take pretty much anyone at all. I only draw the line at Zac Efron. I would not want any part of his former body to end up on the inside of me, so eating or dating him is right out.

For a dinner date early in the week, which neighborhoods are most convenient to you (for example, those close to where you live or work)? Any favorite restaurants or types of food? Allergies or dislikes? No guarantees, but we will take this info into consideration.Anywhere's a restaurant for me, baby!

Now one last question for you. (You knew we had to ask.) Have you ever been convicted of a crime or accused of domestic violence?
Yes

If so, please explain.
I don't have enough room to explain here-- and no human's poor fragile brain could withstand such descriptions of utter depravity, dissipation, and dissoluteness.

I hope I hear back from them soon!

Updated On: 12/24/08 at 01:00 PM