Steven Wright, Old and New

[redhotinnyc2]

Posted: 5/2/06 at 7:47am

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous
erudite scientist who once said, "I woke up one morning and all of my
stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates!"

His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us mortals.

Here are some of his gems:
1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

AND THE ALL TIME FAVORITE:
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[papalovesmambo]

Posted: 5/2/06 at 7:57am

i recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime i had nothing to do, i'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....then one day i got a letter from a woman in germany...it just said, "cut it out."

[redhotinnyc2]

Posted: 5/2/06 at 8:00am

Fantastic!

[DG]

Posted: 5/2/06 at 8:24am

I bought some powdered water, I just don't know what to mix it with.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

[RobbO]

Posted: 5/2/06 at 8:33am

why do we park on the driveway and drive on the parkway?

[Harpo]

Posted: 5/2/06 at 8:59am

I walked by a diner with a sign that read "eggs anytime." So I went in and said 'I want eggs from the 18th century.'

Actually, I don't remember the exact timeframe he used...but that was the general structure.

Good to see you, Redhot, haven't seen you much lately.

[DG]

Posted: 5/2/06 at 9:06am

Harpo - he wanted French Toast during the Renaissance

And for those who don't know, he's an Academy Award winner, too!

[Harpo]

Posted: 5/2/06 at 9:13am

Thanks DG...THAT'S right, it was "breakfast anytime" right?

I haven't seen him perform his comedy in about 20 years and I didn't realize he was an Oscar winner! Was at his HBO taping in SF in the late 80's.

[Craig]

Posted: 5/2/06 at 9:18am

I bought a wireless extension cord but I don't know what to do with it.

If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

I had a dog. I named him stay. He was real cute when he was a puppy. I'd call him. Come here..stay... Come here..stay.. He smarter now. Now when I call him he just keeps typin'

[Craig]

Posted: 5/2/06 at 9:21am

Also these gems:

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

"A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'"

"Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home."

"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."

"I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'"

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"

"I was reading the dictionary the other day. I thought it was a poem about everything."

"I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it."

"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot." "

We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually."

"When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?"

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."

"Yeah, it's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it!"

"I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's *always* room temperature."


A lot of people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

[DG]

Posted: 5/2/06 at 9:24am

I was up late last night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a Full House, and four people died.

[NYadgal]

Posted: 5/2/06 at 9:24am

You've all posted the ones I know!

Gems!

[DG]

Posted: 5/2/06 at 9:35am

He had one of my favorite movie lines when he played a dentist in DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN. After spending the night with Laurie Metcalf's character, all he had to say to her brother in the morning was, "Great teeth."

[beacon1]

Posted: 5/2/06 at 9:40am

I love him!

Wasn't he great on "Mad About You" when he played Warren, Paul's cameraman. So incredibly deadpan witty. Floored me!