Tallulah Bankhead stories and quotes...

[best12bars]

Posted: 8/25/08 at 1:04am

Fact or fiction, I LOVE these:

There was the time she was in Washington for a Democratic Convention honoring her "divine friend, Adlai Stevenson"... And during a long speech by some senator she had to go to the john, but found when she was settled in for the duration that there was no toilet paper at hand. "So I looked down and saw a pair of feet in the next stall. I knocked very politely and said: 'Excuse me, dahling, I don't have any toilet paper. Do you?' And this very proper Yankee voice said: 'No, I don't.' Well, dahling, I had to get back to the podium for Adlai's speech, so I asked her, very politely you understand, 'Excuse me dahling, but do you have any Kleenex?' And this now quite chilly voice said: 'No, I don't.' So I said: 'Well then, dahling, do you happen to have two fives for a ten?'"


Tallulah Bankhead told a friend that her doctor had advised her to eat an apple every time she had the urge to drink. She arched an eyebrow and added, "But really, dahlings, sixty apples a day!"

When confronted about being drunk, her response was, "Yes, I am. And you are ugly. But tomorrow I'll be sober."

When asked by Harpo Marx if she had passed gas at the famous Algonquin round table, her reply was, "God, YES, dahling. Do you think I smell like this all the time?"

[BigFatBlonde]

Posted: 8/25/08 at 1:12am

This my fav Bankead quip -

When asked for her opinion on whether a male celebrity of the time was a homosexual, Bankhead responded...


"Well, I don't know, darling -- he's never sucked my c*ck."

[best12bars]

Posted: 8/25/08 at 1:18am

A classic, BFB.

Here's another I dug up:

After seeing Tenessee Williams' play "Orpheus Decending," she went backstage and told him, "Dahling, they've absolutely ruined your perfectly dreadful play."


Or walking out on another bad play, she said: "Dahling, there's less here than meets the eye."

[Raspberry]

Posted: 8/25/08 at 2:46am

"Of course cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know--I've been using it for years."

There's also another one I love, but I can't remember the wording... something about how I'll come make love to you soon, but "if I'm late, start without me."

Updated On: 4/28/09 at 02:46 AM

[Auggie27]

Posted: 8/25/08 at 10:51am

The one about her being harrassed by a persistent bum, racing up to her car window in very slow cross-town traffic...

After giving him a dollar or perhaps even less, he said "is that it?" And wouldn't shut up. She finally threw her pocket book at him and said "Here, take the whole f--king thing!" just to get rid of him. Every now and then, when I feel especially drained by debt and life's exigencies, I just scream "take the whole f--king purse!"

[singtopher]

Posted: 8/25/08 at 11:41am

Here's a Joke I once heard from a drag queen. It probably looses it's punch on paper. Its much better with the Tallulah impression.

TB walks into a bar. "Bartender, could I have one absolute dry Vodka Martini, Olives On the side."

She Drinks it, and Orders another one.

"Bartender, could I have one absolute dry Vodka Martini, Olives On the side."

She Drinks it. She's a bit drunk, but orders again.

"Bartender, could I have one absolute dry Vodka Martini, Olives On the side."

She passes out drunk on the floor. The bar closes. The janitor comes in, sees her on the floor, and f*cks her.

The Next day.

She wals into the bar. "Bartender, could I have one absolute dry Vodka Martini, Olives On the side."

She drinks it, and orders another one.

"Bartender, could I have one absolute dry Vodka Martini, Olives On the side."

She drinks it, is a bit drunk, but orders another.

"Bartender, could I have one absolute dry Vodka Martini, Olives On the side."

She passes out drunk on the floor. The bar closes. The janitor comes in, sees her on the floor, and f*cks her.

The next day.

She walks into the bar. "Bartender, could I Have..."

The bartender says, "I know, I know, one absolute dry Vodka Martini, Olives on the side."

She pipes back in and says, "Oh no dear, I don't drink them anymore. They make my c*nt hurt."