Tell me a joke please. Jokes are good.

[Ellie3]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 7:44pm

I need a laugh, please someone tell a joke!


Bruce is driving over Syndey Harbor Bridge, when he notices his girlfriend Sheila, about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells 'Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing??' Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye, and says 'G'day, Bruce...you got me pregnant...and so now I'm gonna kill myself!' Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says 'Strewth, Sheila...not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too', and then speeds off.

More please! Updated On: 12/17/04 at 07:44 PM

[Mary_Ethel]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 7:49pm

"WICKED Is The Best Broadway Musical Ever."

[LittleFish8386]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 7:50pm

Lmao...


Idina exhibits excellent voice and breath control. Updated On: 12/17/04 at 07:50 PM

[Mary_Ethel]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 7:52pm

Hey LF,

Does "LMAO" mean 'Laughing My A-- Off?"


I've always wondered...

[son_of_a_gunn_25]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 7:53pm

BKLYN

[LittleFish8386]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 7:53pm

Yeah, I just learned it. I used to think it meant lame-o and I got a little annoyed when people said it to me.

[MyNameInLights]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 8:28pm

I'm wondering if there will ever be a thread where someone doesn't mention Wicked, even as a joke.

[JoAnne1]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 10:00pm

a guy walks into a bar....

at the bar sits a horse. next to the horse is a jar full of money. the sign on the jar says...
"make the horse laugh and you win all the money in the jar"

the guy walks over to the horse and whispers in his ear. the horse CRACKS UP!!

The bartender asks, "whadja tell him?" And the guys says, "it doesn't say anywhere that I have to tell you that. Do I still get the money?"

The bartender gives him the money and he leaves.

SIX MONTHS LATER....

The guy walks back into the bar.

The horse is still there. The jar is back and full again but this time the sign says....
"make the horse cry and you win all the money in the jar"

so the guy walks over to the horse and whispers in his ear. The horse follows him to the john and comes out a few seconds later sobbing hysterically.

This time the bartender says - "You got to tell us what you did or there's no way we're giving you this money again"

The guys says, "well, you know the first time -when I had to make him laugh?" The bartender nods...

"I told him my c**k is bigger than his.... this time, I showed him!"

[Type_A_Tiff]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 10:02pm

Pwahahahaha!!!

[BSoBW2]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 10:03pm

HAHAHA

Figures, JoAnne1, typical you, hahahahaha, jk!

Priceless!

[millie_dillmount]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 10:05pm

Come on, you guys are wimps. I got the best one ever:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side!!!

Hahaha.....

[Type_A_Tiff]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 10:05pm

*passes BSo a kleenex to wipe the brown off his nose*

[Mary_Ethel]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 10:06pm

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

[Type_A_Tiff]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 10:08pm

M_E!! *tee hee - I'd fake it with Ken too*

Millie, original!

Updated On: 12/17/04 at 10:08 PM

[insomniak]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 10:09pm

A group of five blondes walk into a bar. One blonde asks the bartender to set them up, and he does. They all shout, 'to fifty-one days!' and drink their shots. They ask to be set up again and the bartender asks the head blonde what they're toasting. She says, 'We finished this puzzle in fifty-one days, but the box said two to four years!'

[Type_A_Tiff]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 10:11pm

*snicker* Don't get me started on blonde jokes. (Ah, where's Ellie and Delph when you need them - they're blondes right?)

[Mary_Ethel]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 10:11pm

This is for YOU, Tiff--

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Jess1483]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 10:12pm

5 presidents are on a plane

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton. George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then Bill Clinton says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws George W. Bush off the plane.

[Mary_Ethel]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 10:15pm

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor
I work at great depths
I plunge head first into everything I do
I do not get weekends off or public holidays
I work in a damp environment
I don't get paid overtime
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
I work in high temperatures
My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight
You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
You do not always follow the orders of the management team
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
You'll retire well before reaching 65
You're unable to work double shifts
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

[insomniak]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 10:21pm

Brilliant, M_E and Jess.

Tiff, are they really? And I love blonde jokes. Do share, I need a smile.

[Type_A_Tiff]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 10:23pm

M_E, I've been told to go to hell enough times to know there's a spot with my name on it! It's destiny!

Som, oy, lemme think of some. My brain's fried right now or else I would've jumped right into this thread.

[Mary_Ethel]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 10:24pm

Martha Stewart's Holiday To-Do List

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows '2000

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

[insomniak]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 10:24pm

M_E, would the vagina get a raise? There's some work involved there.

[Mary_Ethel]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 10:26pm

I'll see what I can do, Insomniak!

[insomniak]

Posted: 12/17/04 at 10:28pm

Thanks! Where do you come up with these gems?