The Rules - joke

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 7/29/05 at 1:23pm

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down..

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it's not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking - unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, sports, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[TheatreDiva90016]

Posted: 7/29/05 at 1:33pm

That's funny, but I guess it just applies to breeders....

[Thenardier]

Posted: 7/29/05 at 1:36pm

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

AMEN to that.

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 7/29/05 at 1:38pm

For me most of it applies with my female friends... and sisters.

[Rose_MacShane]

Posted: 7/29/05 at 1:51pm

"The Rules" is a joke all by itself. They should have called it "Essential Rules And Tips For Being A Humorless Bitch."

[OnTheAisle]

Posted: 7/29/05 at 2:04pm

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

I'm bringing this one home - the next time I post will probably be from the couch.

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 7/29/05 at 2:05pm

"from the couch"

also known as camping.

[OnTheAisle]

Posted: 7/29/05 at 2:08pm

cool - I can make s'mores on the coffee table!

[Bluemoon]

Posted: 7/29/05 at 2:15pm

I had emailed this to my husband earlier this summer. His comment was that it wasn't meant to be funny - it was meant to be TRUE. He thought I could learn some tips from it.

[BlueWizard]

Posted: 7/29/05 at 2:18pm

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down..

This is my favourite. If women don't want the toilet seat wet, they shouldn't be surprised to see it up.

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 7/29/05 at 5:56pm

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
This was the eternal fight with my older sister... if you said "No, you're not fat" she'd get mad because I was lying, and if I said "Yes, you are fat" she'd get mad 'cause I called her fat. *sigh*