WEDNESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE
WEDNESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE
#1WEDNESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE
Posted: 6/13/07 at 5:09am
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
___________________________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
#2re: WEDNESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE
Posted: 6/13/07 at 7:05amWhere do you get these, Boobs? Very funny.
Cheyenne Jackson tickled me. AFTER ordering SoMMS a drink but NOT tickling him, and hanging out with Girly in his dressing room (where he DIDN'T tickle her) but BEFORE we got married. To others. And then he tweeted Boobs. He also tweeted he's good friends with some chick on "The Voice" who just happens to be good friends with Tink's ex. And I'm still married. Oh, and this just in: "Pettiness, spite, malice ....Such ugly emotions... So sad." - After Eight, talking about MEEEEEEEE!!! I'm so honored! :-)
#2re: WEDNESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE
Posted: 6/13/07 at 7:06am
I'd tell you D2, but then I'd have to kill you. 
*mwah*
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Broadway Legend Joined: 12/31/69
vmlinnie
Broadway Legend Joined: 6/19/06
#4re: WEDNESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE
Posted: 6/13/07 at 8:25amI saw some of those in a paper once, I'll have to dig it up.
The rain we knew is a thing of the past -
deep-delving, dark, deliberate you would say
browsing on spire and bogland; but today
our sky-blue slates are steaming in the sun,
our yachts tinkling and dancing in the bay
like racehorses. We contemplate at last
shining windows, a future forbidden to no one.
Derek Mahon
"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets."
Arthur Miller
deep-delving, dark, deliberate you would say
browsing on spire and bogland; but today
our sky-blue slates are steaming in the sun,
our yachts tinkling and dancing in the bay
like racehorses. We contemplate at last
shining windows, a future forbidden to no one.
Derek Mahon
"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets."
Arthur Miller
Broadway Legend Joined: 12/31/69
#5re: WEDNESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE
Posted: 6/13/07 at 8:26am
Might it have been "The Bathroom Reader"?
Or am I the only one who reads those books? Because they are awsome!
vmlinnie
Broadway Legend Joined: 6/19/06
#6re: WEDNESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE
Posted: 6/13/07 at 8:27am
No, it was the Sun newspaper, a right rag which I wouldn't wipe my incontinent dog's arse with.
The rain we knew is a thing of the past -
deep-delving, dark, deliberate you would say
browsing on spire and bogland; but today
our sky-blue slates are steaming in the sun,
our yachts tinkling and dancing in the bay
like racehorses. We contemplate at last
shining windows, a future forbidden to no one.
Derek Mahon
"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets."
Arthur Miller
Updated On: 6/13/07 at 08:27 AM
deep-delving, dark, deliberate you would say
browsing on spire and bogland; but today
our sky-blue slates are steaming in the sun,
our yachts tinkling and dancing in the bay
like racehorses. We contemplate at last
shining windows, a future forbidden to no one.
Derek Mahon
"Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets."
Arthur Miller
Broadway Legend Joined: 12/31/69
#7re: WEDNESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE
Posted: 6/13/07 at 8:29am
Oh...I see!
So then, you know that this article was in it...how?
#8re: WEDNESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE
Posted: 6/13/07 at 10:13amoh god, that last one!!
~And let us try, before we die, to make some sense of life~
#9re: WEDNESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE
Posted: 6/13/07 at 10:22amIf I was a court reporter, I'd be on the floor!
"NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!"
#10re: WEDNESDAY MORNING CHUCKLE
Posted: 6/13/07 at 11:01amMy sister in law was a court reporter and she has some really funny ones to tell. I really couldn't do that job with a straight face.
"All the while making faces like a baby platypus who forget to take some Beano before eating a chimichanga." FindingNamo in reference to Jessica Simpson's singing.
Videos