What is your opinion...

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 3:34pm

on sero-discordant relationships (POZ/neg). Would you date (or consider not dating) someone based on their sero-status?

I ask this out of my own personal curiosity. I'm quite open about my POZ status, and having only been 'dating' as a POZ individual for a couple of years, I'm curious as to how people feel about it. I was just beginning what turned out to be an 11 year relationship when I found out, and he remains, to this day, negative. Even though there were many issues at play, I do believe that our sero-discordance was a big issue for our break up.

That said, I do not write someone off because they're negative. I think that as long as both parties are aware of it, precautions can be taken to lead a healthy, happy life together. But I am also aware that it's a huge challenge, with many potential emotional ramifications.

When my ex- and I started dating and we found out about my status, some his friends immediately said "dump him... why would you stay with him..." Others, however, were very supportive. The opinions run the gamut...

I have many POZ friends who will NOT date someone negative; and, even though not openly, I know that many negative individuals will not date someone who is positive. There are also many who say it doesn't matter to them, but when push comes to shove (no pun intended) they can't handle it.

Now, I'm not trying to start an argument, say someone's right or wrong, or be judgemental. It's not about that. It's all about what one feels comfortable with, and I understand that. Let's try to be honest...

I'd just be interested to hear what people's thoughts are about it. And not just the gay members of the board... hello, there are plenty of straight POZ people out there too.

[KelRel]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 3:37pm

From the ignorant one...what does "sero-discordance" mean?

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 3:39pm

Sorry... not everyone knows those terms...

Sero-discordance: HIV+ / HIV-

[KelRel]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 3:42pm

Oh ok, well I am married and I have only been with one person so I have no insight into this conversation. Thanks for clearing that one up for me though DD.

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 3:50pm

Of course you have insight. It's a hypothetical.

I'm asking people to put themselves in these shoes... would you date someone who has a different sero-status than yourself. Would you have dated someone with a different sero-status than yourself when you were single? If something was to happen in the future, would you consider dating someone of a different sero-status as yourself?

[redhotinnyc2]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 3:53pm

I'm an openly gay male who is negative and in my 40s. I've dated and been seriously involved with several Poz guys over the years. I never had the least bit of a problem with it. In my way of thinking, I sort of approached it like "hey, they need love, to!" and for some reason, it never frightened me. We always practiced safer sex. Our break-ups never had to do with the issue of neg/poz, so that wasn't an issue (for me, at least - perhaps it was for them and I just didn't realize it).
So I suppose you could say I'm weighing in on the side of "go for it". I love the quote from the movie The Village, when William Hurt's character says "The world moves for love. It kneels before it in awe." That makes perfect sense to me. If you love someone, how can their status (as far as poz vs neg) keep you from wanting to be with them? I hope I haven't said anything offensive.

[lildogs]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 4:12pm

I don't know what I'd do--I've never been in that situation. I'd like to think it wouldn't bother me, but as a TOTAL bottom, I'd be more wary, as I should be, as the risk for me is considerably greater. That being said, I have no doubt that I have probably at least made out with a Poz guy if not a hook -up, back in the more free days...I always think of Jeffrey though and how hot Michael T Weiss is and i think if i was attracted enough, it wouldn't matter. Some guy I'm on the fence with, he'd probably not get a call back.

If I was poz, I think I'd only date other poz guys...interesting huh?

[redhotinnyc2]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 4:21pm

Lildogs - lets say you were poz and you only dated other poz guys - what do you suppose the reasons would be?

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 4:30pm

I know several POZ people who refuse to date negative individuals. The main reason I seem to get is that it's too much pressure; the fear of infecting someone. Also, because in their own experience a negative person might think they're ok with it, but once their in the relationship for a while, they start to freak out (for lack of a better word) about it, and decide to leave. It has yet to happen to me, but it's happened to some of my friends.

I also find interesting the stigma that POZ individuals will openly say they won't date a neg individual and it's ok, but neg individuals will not usually come out and say they won't date a POZ individual.

[KelRel]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 4:32pm

Well in that case I guess it would depend. I am not one to engage in casual sex. Before I got physical with someone I would have to have been in the relationship for awhile so the status would have come up and we would have discussed it adn ways that we could be extra safe. If you love someone does it really matter? I don't think so.

[redhotinnyc2]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 4:33pm

There does seem to be a bit of a double standard. I suppose the fear of infecting a partner is very real, and I never looked at it from that angle before. It's a very interesting topic.

[gymman]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 4:38pm

I have been in this situation; my previous partner was positive, and I am negative; the relationship, quite frankly, was extraordinarily difficult, more so for him than for me. He felt, rightly or wrongly, that I could never understand or "share" his fears and his problems. Oddly, he did not reveal his status until we were well into the relationship, so that was an unfortunate cloud that always hung over us.

Would I do this again? Frankly, no. I hope I don't sound mean or cynical, but the whole thing was just too difficult to go through. I stayed with him until he died, and I pray he has more peace now than he had in his life.

Updated On: 9/9/05 at 04:38 PM

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 4:38pm

Personally, I take the same precautions whether my partner is POZ or not. I am quite healthy, healthier than I was when I was diagnosed 13 years ago. Even though cross-infection has not been proven, I have a relatively 'weak' strain of the virus, and after all this time have only developed resistance to one family of drugs. SO I do not want run the risk of being re-infected with a more powerful, more drug-resistant strain of the virus. That's why for me, it doesn't really matter if you are POZ or not. The precautions are the same, as much for them as for myself.

[redhotinnyc2]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 4:41pm

Daydreamer - you are to be commended - you have a very healthy outlook and it sounds like you really respect and care for yourself and your partners. I admire you.

[lildogs]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 4:45pm

I agree with redhot DD...

I think my reason for dating only other poz boys if I was poz is what gymman said about the special fears and insecurities that one has and I think I'd want a man who had some insight into what I was experiencing.

[BobbyBubby]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 4:51pm

Well, I don't want to offend anyone with this, but I am, just being honest.

I dated a poz guy a few years back, for about a month. I thought I'd be okay with it, but it completely freaked me out. I shut off, in ways I normally don't, and I sort of became very closed off from him. He was very respectful, but was somewhat impatient about the sex thing, and way very aggressive about letting me know the risks involved, and how we basically, had nothing to worry about.

Long story short, I couldn't cope with it. And I have lots of Poz friends, etc.

I'm in a relationship now where we're both negative, and it would be hard to say if I could deal with the relationship if he was poz. I guess I have a lot of fear that can't be erased no matter how "safe" I would be with a poz person.

I think my main problem with my particular relationship with this poz guy, was that he was very eager to find "the one" as quickly as possible, as I'm sure he felt that time was counting down for him (which wasn't really the case as he was very healthy, just paranoid).

I think it was a combo with my fear of getting HIV and his eagerness for me to be "the one" that drove me away.

I hope I don't come off as a complete ass in this post. :)


Updated On: 9/9/05 at 04:51 PM

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 4:52pm

gymman... you'd be surprised, those feelings are quite common from a poz guy with a neg guy.

Like I said in my first post, I believe that to some extent that's what doomed my 11-year relationship. I felt the same way. I hope to have learned from that, and realize that communication and honesty are a must. It can't be swept under the carpet and not talked about.

And being honest with oneself about what one would and would not do is the best for all parties involved.

[gymman]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 4:58pm

I am sure that those feelings are common, and justified; I never got over completely, however, the fact that he deliberately concealed his status for the first six months of our relationship. This hung over the next 3 years, unfortunaely, and colored the entire time we were together.

[lildogs]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 5:00pm

I don't think you're a complete ass at all. I can understand his desire to be with someone, with so little to be sure of in his life. The truth is that we all have little to be sure of. I hope that if I meet someone I really like and am attracted to, it won't matter.

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 5:01pm

That is something I personally do not understand. I mean, I don't carry a sign that says "POZ" around my neck, but usually as soon as I find someone even remotely interested in me, usually after a kiss or something, I let them know. I can't imagine sleeping with someone without telling them first.

I do know of people who just don't want to know, either way. I've been told before, after I disclose, "That's ok... you didn't have to tell me."

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 5:05pm

Bobby... missed your post.

I don't think you're an ass either. I have no idea what I'd be like if the cards had been dealt differently and I was negative.

I do find it necessary, though, to have 'the conversation' very openly about risks involved. Before I get that close to someone, I need to know that they really are comfortable with what can and can't be done; be honest if you have a sore in your mouth, or if you bit your lip, or if the meds are making me sick.

[gymman]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 5:06pm

right--because we both always wondered what would have happened had I known from the beginning...I have no idea if I would have gone ahead or not.

[Pinguin]

Posted: 9/9/05 at 5:22pm

It's so difficult to say (I've never actually had this situation arise) -It does add this whole other element of fear and the need for complete trust. I would probably have to be really committed to ever sexually engage with any HIV positive significant other, but I wouldn't shut off the possibility of going out with someone because they were positive.

[Elphaba]

Posted: 9/10/05 at 1:39am

of course this is all based on the assumption that people are honest about their HIV status, and SO many are not......

so to me, it's not about dating a poz or a neg person, but rather respecting myself, and him to take precautions.......

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 9/10/05 at 12:39pm

Also that even if someone 'thinks' they are negative, if they are sexually active and have been for the previous 3 months, it might not show in their most recent test.

Hm... I thought more people would've had something to say about it. Again, I'm asking this as a POZ person who's had these discussions with friends lately, and am just interested to find out what you all think. Usually there's not a shortage of opinions around here... Still only one brave woman answered... Thanks Kel!

Say... what would you do if you meet someone, totally like them physically and personality wise, and then they tell you they're HIV+? What if they tell you after you've been intimate? Do you find it misleading if, in a personal ad (online or otherwise) a person doesn't upfront disclose their sero-status?