What is your opinion...

on sero-discordant relationships (POZ/neg). Would you date (or consider not dating) someone based on their sero-status?

I ask this out of my own personal curiosity. I'm quite open about my POZ status, and having only been 'dating' as a POZ individual for a couple of years, I'm curious as to how people feel about it. I was just beginning what turned out to be an 11 year relationship when I found out, and he remains, to this day, negative. Even though there were many issues at play, I do believe that our sero-discordance was a big issue for our break up.

That said, I do not write someone off because they're negative. I think that as long as both parties are aware of it, precautions can be taken to lead a healthy, happy life together. But I am also aware that it's a huge challenge, with many potential emotional ramifications.

When my ex- and I started dating and we found out about my status, some his friends immediately said "dump him... why would you stay with him..." Others, however, were very supportive. The opinions run the gamut...

I have many POZ friends who will NOT date someone negative; and, even though not openly, I know that many negative individuals will not date someone who is positive. There are also many who say it doesn't matter to them, but when push comes to shove (no pun intended) they can't handle it.

Now, I'm not trying to start an argument, say someone's right or wrong, or be judgemental. It's not about that. It's all about what one feels comfortable with, and I understand that. Let's try to be honest...

I'd just be interested to hear what people's thoughts are about it. And not just the gay members of the board... hello, there are plenty of straight POZ people out there too.

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Sorry... not everyone knows those terms...

Sero-discordance: HIV+ / HIV-

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Of course you have insight. It's a hypothetical.

I'm asking people to put themselves in these shoes... would you date someone who has a different sero-status than yourself. Would you have dated someone with a different sero-status than yourself when you were single? If something was to happen in the future, would you consider dating someone of a different sero-status as yourself?

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I don't know what I'd do--I've never been in that situation. I'd like to think it wouldn't bother me, but as a TOTAL bottom, I'd be more wary, as I should be, as the risk for me is considerably greater. That being said, I have no doubt that I have probably at least made out with a Poz guy if not a hook -up, back in the more free days...I always think of Jeffrey though and how hot Michael T Weiss is and i think if i was attracted enough, it wouldn't matter. Some guy I'm on the fence with, he'd probably not get a call back.

If I was poz, I think I'd only date other poz guys...interesting huh?

I know several POZ people who refuse to date negative individuals. The main reason I seem to get is that it's too much pressure; the fear of infecting someone. Also, because in their own experience a negative person might think they're ok with it, but once their in the relationship for a while, they start to freak out (for lack of a better word) about it, and decide to leave. It has yet to happen to me, but it's happened to some of my friends.

I also find interesting the stigma that POZ individuals will openly say they won't date a neg individual and it's ok, but neg individuals will not usually come out and say they won't date a POZ individual.

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There does seem to be a bit of a double standard. I suppose the fear of infecting a partner is very real, and I never looked at it from that angle before. It's a very interesting topic.

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Personally, I take the same precautions whether my partner is POZ or not. I am quite healthy, healthier than I was when I was diagnosed 13 years ago. Even though cross-infection has not been proven, I have a relatively 'weak' strain of the virus, and after all this time have only developed resistance to one family of drugs. SO I do not want run the risk of being re-infected with a more powerful, more drug-resistant strain of the virus. That's why for me, it doesn't really matter if you are POZ or not. The precautions are the same, as much for them as for myself.

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I agree with redhot DD...

I think my reason for dating only other poz boys if I was poz is what gymman said about the special fears and insecurities that one has and I think I'd want a man who had some insight into what I was experiencing.

gymman... you'd be surprised, those feelings are quite common from a poz guy with a neg guy.

Like I said in my first post, I believe that to some extent that's what doomed my 11-year relationship. I felt the same way. I hope to have learned from that, and realize that communication and honesty are a must. It can't be swept under the carpet and not talked about.

And being honest with oneself about what one would and would not do is the best for all parties involved.

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I don't think you're a complete ass at all. I can understand his desire to be with someone, with so little to be sure of in his life. The truth is that we all have little to be sure of. I hope that if I meet someone I really like and am attracted to, it won't matter.

Bobby... missed your post.

I don't think you're an ass either. I have no idea what I'd be like if the cards had been dealt differently and I was negative.

I do find it necessary, though, to have 'the conversation' very openly about risks involved. Before I get that close to someone, I need to know that they really are comfortable with what can and can't be done; be honest if you have a sore in your mouth, or if you bit your lip, or if the meds are making me sick.

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It's so difficult to say (I've never actually had this situation arise) -It does add this whole other element of fear and the need for complete trust. I would probably have to be really committed to ever sexually engage with any HIV positive significant other, but I wouldn't shut off the possibility of going out with someone because they were positive.

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Also that even if someone 'thinks' they are negative, if they are sexually active and have been for the previous 3 months, it might not show in their most recent test.

Hm... I thought more people would've had something to say about it. Again, I'm asking this as a POZ person who's had these discussions with friends lately, and am just interested to find out what you all think. Usually there's not a shortage of opinions around here... Still only one brave woman answered... Thanks Kel!

Say... what would you do if you meet someone, totally like them physically and personality wise, and then they tell you they're HIV+? What if they tell you after you've been intimate? Do you find it misleading if, in a personal ad (online or otherwise) a person doesn't upfront disclose their sero-status?

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