i finally need relationship advice.

I rarely ask for relationship advice because I've had so many different kinds that I can usually solve my own problems. Either that or I don't care. But this is in a leauge of it's own.
I recently got back together with my boyfriend for the third time. No matter what we go through, over the past 3.5 years we've been coming back to each other because we truly love each other so much. Really.
We just got back together recently though. And while we were apart this last time, I sort of started seeing this other guy for a little over a month (as he put it tonight, "this is Karen, we dated for like 5 minutes"- hehe. One of those very indefinable relationships). Now, I've been in very similar situations while "enjoying the single life" but this one was different. We definitely had chemistry.
Anyways. Dude moved back to Toronto b/c he graduated, I got back together with the bf, and tonight was the first time I saw dude guy since all of that happened. We had an amazing night, dinner and drinks, a movie with my housemates, then out to a bar together. But when we said goodbye at my door it got weird. Good weird and bad weird. Good because we finally talked about how we feel about each other. Bad because my hands are tied....I have a boyfriend I'm madly in love with.
We both really care about each other. We both want each other to be happy. We both know we're going to be in each other's lives for a long time. And we both know we'll be happy to see the other happy with someone else.
We still have a romantic soft spot for one another though. And that's what's confusing me. I am so true to my current bf, I love him so much and I truly think that through everything we've been through we have a lot of longevity in this relationship.
But I also know I really care about this other guy, more than just a friend, and we have great chemistry.
I just don't know what to do. There's nothing really to be done, and I'm open to advice b/c at this point I haven't decided what I want to hear. I feel like it would be great to think these romantic feelings i have towards dudeguy will eventually go away but I'm not so sure that will happen, I feel like chemistry will always be there. I enjoy feeling that way but I don't want to become a problem. I just don't know what to do about all of this!

Actually Manders, you're smart. With any other ex-flame that's EXACTLY how I would deal with this situation. The thing is though, I want dudeguy in my life as a friend, and we're both clear on that point, he wants the same thing. I trust my judgement well enough to know I'll be true to my bf.....they're just conflicting emotions. I'm used to running away from them (like chocolate, btw great anaolgy!!) but this time I've gotta face them.

a friend is one thing, a boyfriend in waiting is another......(call it what you will dear, but it is that)
I've seen this happen before........it always ends badly.

If he is simply a friend, then he should have already been introduced to your boyfriend as a friend.....

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Updated On: 5/15/05 at 12:58 PM

That is a tricky one... I guess my best suggestion would be, if dudeguy and boyfriend (snicker, that's funny) like each other, hang out in a group together, but don't do stuff alone with dudeguy because that might allow for things to creep in... relationships are such messy things, aren't they?

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It's actually not a great sign that you and your current boyfriend keep breaking up and getting back together. It does not mean you're in it for the long run - otherwise the breakups wouldn't happen. One time is one thing - but more than once, you have to seriously look at the relationship.

Is it love, or familiarity, or addiction?

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I was waiting for someone to say what Rath said.
While I mostly agree with you, it's important to understand the circumstances. I'm 20, the bf is 25, but we started dating at 16 and 22. It's one of those relationships where, if we had met ten years after we did, we probably would have never broken up. But beceause we're so young, and have gone through so many developmental changes over the last few years, it's been trying. I went away to school, he's goign away to LA, there's just lots of obstacles we've had to overcome. And a lot of figuring out who we are as individuals. I've ruled out confidence and familiarity as the only reasons I'm with him, although to an outsider it would appear that way. It's not convenient being in a long distance relationship. And it's not like I don't have other options. I just truly want to be with him. I do despite dudeguy, the only confusing thing about dudeguy is why he's in my life, why we have chemistry. I believe everything happens for a reason so I'm just going to let this ride itself out. I don't feel any less for my bf because of it all, I'm just hoping that it all sorts itself out before anything goes wrong.

You don't need relationship advice, you need alcohol counseling.
Seriously, quit drinking and see how you feel about them.

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Updated On: 5/15/05 at 04:03 PM

it will, repeat will, end badly. especially with you being drunk most of the time. i mean it's only a matter of time until you wake up in bed with dudeguy and a hangover to the sound of your bf sliding back the charging handle on an armalite while sobbing uncontrollably with snot running down his chin. save yourselves the trouble. unless this is a manifestation of a deep seated desire for a little dp. in that case, run with it and use a high def digital cam becuase i'll pay for the closeups.

it might seem like it'll work, jid, but in the end someone will get hurt. you can let it go and not know who that will be, or you can decide now and move on with your life.

that said, i'm drunk so i'm not sure i even trust my own advice.

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After my little freakout yesterday I decided that while I may have feelings for dudeguy they just need to be supressed. They might not completley go away but at least we can both laugh at them, he'll get a gf, it'll all be good.

Just be careful with that approach...... from someone who failed at it lol

Glad my comvoluted story was able to help you.... and I know how far behind you can get in your work when you're drinking!

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If this were a movie, I would imagine that it would be told from DudeGuy's point of view. He would be played by Jason Lee, Jeremy London, or Topher Grace. He'd be the guy that's just a friend, waiting for this great catch, ChickGirl (played by Minnie Driver, Natalie Portman, or Kirsten Dunst) who's madly in love with BoyFriend (played by a man with many tattoos and a motorcycle). In the end of the movie, ChickGirl would break up with BoyFriend and she and DudeGuy would live happily ever after.


But life is nothing like the movies. Stick with BoyFriend.

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yeah, uh, jid, i think you might want to at least consider the dp before moving on.

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papa's would find an audience at Sundance, and then be forgotten 6 months later.

....and then be re-discovered a decade or so later and revered by a generation of filmmakers who cite its influence on them and help it take its place in the pantheon of film classics while a movie that was more successful at the box office is being shown on the oxygen network late at night.

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Here's my two cents:

1) The Boyfriend is history. You are not happy with him. If you were you wouldn't be out dating other guys-- and yeah, dinner, moveis & long talks at the door is a date.

2) You can't be friends with someone you want to sleep with. You think you'll hang out with Dudeguy & his girlfriend? Ha! Ever see "My Best Friend's Wedding?" Get yourself a gayboy to hang out with.

3) You need to talk to your boyfriend. Be honest!