No! I'm not ****** playing

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(Almost) Free Offer for Mr. Ugarte

Posted: 9/23/05 at 1:53pm

Guillermo, I don't suppose you're interested, then, in donating a few bucks to the Anti-Vivisection Society of America? I mean, as penance for your mistreatment (we don't need particulars) of certain animals, namely your long-suffering dog Daschel?

Really - they handcraft these CUTE little name and address labels with floppy-eared dachshunds on them, and they'll send them to you as a free gift! And you'll get a set of these labels every three days! Honestly, I've just discovered this little windfall-in-the-mail, and I don't think they do it for just anybody.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be...unless that's mine in the first place.

Updated On: 9/23/05 at 01:53 PM

Xanax is on the way

Posted: 9/25/05 at 4:48pm

Guillermo, don't you worry. We've managed to package up a season's supply of industrial-strength Xanax and we're forwarding it to you c/o the webmaster. A few of these with some Ben & Jerry's Long Island Iced Tea, and you'll be right as rain.

(Of course, if you choose to accept our offer, please note that it's on a 30-day free trial basis. Pay nothing now, and if you wish to continue - do nothing! A shipment of Xanax will appear at your door every month! We'll bill you automatically. If you decide to decline, the Ben & Jerry's is yours to keep.)

Neither a borrower nor a lender be...unless that's mine in the first place.

Xanax is on the way

Posted: 9/29/05 at 8:18am

JeezUsChristmas, I know Chelsey.

I'm SO NOT *****ing PLAYING NOW!

Unfledge them of their...perriwigs, And they appear like bald-cootes, in the nest. Beaumont, Knt. Malta, (1616).

Can I order?

Posted: 10/18/05 at 5:23pm

Let's see. I'll need a case of the Ben & Jerry's Long Island Iced Tea (this is the one with the rum, cognac and vodka, right?) and 5 cases of the industrial strength Xanax (it has been a tough month). Please send me five more cases next month because I am not sure how long these 5 cases will last. I may need to reorder every 2 weeks.

I will also need some of those Ci-ialis SofTabs but not until after I use the Anna Nicole Hoodia Gordonii to get some of this excess weight off my middle. It's no good having a woody if you can't use it, right?

I think I'll need some of that stuff from the ball weed drop number chick but first I have to use my Little Orphan Annie decoder ring to figure out what she is selling.

BTW, that chatty Chicklet Brunette at the Toolbox the other night? That was my ex. If you see him again, ask him to return my A&F muscle tee, and tell him he still owes me five K for that penile implant. So you can either bring it on home to papa or cough up the loose change for Daschel's neutering procedure.

"Always smile at your enemies. It will keep them on their toes"

It could be worse

Posted: 10/20/05 at 3:28pm

Guillermo, as Ann Landers used to say, quitchyerbellyachin'. Chicklet could have absconded with your Benefiber. (Speaking of which, why hasn't Jennifer Garner had her baby yet? It's been decades already.)

And I am appalled to learn that Daschel has yet to complete his neutering procedure. He's 36 and remembers "Gunsmoke". This is the pinnacle of canine irresponsibility. I don't think Chicklet actually took your Little Orphan Annie Ovaltine Shaker. It was Daschel. His hormones are out of whack, and he's resorted to humping it when you're not home. Classic canine neglect.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be...unless that's mine in the first place.

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