Drop hair stylist of 30 yrs due to 'f****t reference

[once a month]

Posted: 7/26/11 at 3:49pm

My male stylist of the past 30 years knows I'm gay. Dennis does a great job, but a year ago he switched locations, acquired a partner and now shares space. As Dennis was cutting my hair, 'Charlie' complained about times changing. He went on and on (much like this topic), and threw out the faggot term! Dennis ignored it and I grew beet red. I held my tongue, not creating more of a scene; I was livid. I will never set foot in that establishment again. Initially, I was going to call and complain. Then I decided to let it pass, but never darken their doorstep again. It's been on my mind 4 days and I have to let it go....how would YOU respond?
Updated On: 7/26/11 at 03:49 PM

[Roscoe]

Posted: 7/26/11 at 3:53pm

Call Dennis and let him know that you are never going back, and tell him exactly why, in exactly the terms you used here. Give Dennis a chance to make it up to you. If he doesn't, then find another hair stylist.

[Reginald Tresilian]

Posted: 7/26/11 at 3:54pm

^ This.

[Roscoe]

Posted: 7/26/11 at 4:06pm

And then, if you don't get a good answer, post the name and address of the establishment in question so that we can all deprive the bigoted business of our money.

[once a month]

Posted: 7/26/11 at 4:12pm

Thanks...actually I WILL be calling him tomorrow morning, now that I think I can control myself. To be honest, I feel like a real wuss for not screaming bloody murder at the time, but I felt I couldn't trust what came out.

[Roscoe]

Posted: 7/26/11 at 4:16pm

And if you wind up moving on to another hairstylist, feel free to tell everyone you know about it, and be very specific about why you are moving on. Consider posting the facts in question online, on their yelp.com page if they have one. Don't be quiet about this -- they need to know that bigotry has consequences.

[Eris0303]

Posted: 7/26/11 at 4:35pm

To be honest, I feel like a real wuss for not screaming bloody murder at the time

Don't feel like a wuss. Waiting until you're calm to speak rationally is the best thing to do. Screaming inside the shop wouldn't have done much except maybe get you on youtube and disrespect Dennis. For all we know Dennis pulled Charlie aside after you left because he felt the situation could be better handled away from customers. By blowing up inside the salon you hurt Dennis who you've known for years. I'd suggest giving him the benefit of the doubt and discussing it with him like a rational adult.

The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the oil. Sometimes it just gets tossed out.

[dramamama611]

Posted: 7/26/11 at 8:58pm

Honestly? I'd take issue with your hairstylist not saying anything. Saying nothing is akin to agreement.

How are they going to "make it up to you"? Just not say it when they realize you are there? What happens when they say it when a young person, maybe not out of the closet yet is in the shop.

I admit, I have a tendancy to react strongly to these things. I wouldn't go back, but I would make sure they knew exactly why. (And then the other stuff about making what happen as public as you can.)

[nomdeplume]

Posted: 7/27/11 at 12:42am

Is Dennis gay? Is "Charlie" gay? Is the "partner" arrangement you mention just a work thing, they aren't "partners" in the life sense? I think it's a bizarre thing to have happen at any hairstylist salon. Why would "Charlie" use that word? Is he hetero and somehow thinking all the men around him were hetero and would agree with that? Is he gay and was he being provocative, hoping to stir up some reaction or find out if you were gay? Is he clueless? Was he in a bad mood and just trying to "stir the pot"? What use could that word possibly serve him? Deprive Dennis of a customer? Is Dennis stuck renting from or with him so he can't tell him off because he's trying to keep a horrible situation as calm as possible?

You might ask Dennis why "Charlie" was using that word as well as registering your complaint to him. Dennis may know very well what's going on with "Charlie" and tell you.

[LaurenB]

Posted: 7/27/11 at 3:54am

"Saying nothing is akin to agreement."

Not necessarily. Sometimes I can be rendered totally speechless, literally. If I had a business partner who said something out of line, I might not have said anything at the moment, just because I do get speechless when mortified. But afterwards, in private, I probably would have read him the riot act.

The other thing is that having a new business partner is like being in a marriage. It can be really bad, and a public confrontation might have escalated into something very ugly.

So I probably would give Dennis the benefit of the doubt and talk to him in private, get his pulse, and go from there. He may not be happy with his present situation and partner, but financially is stuck for the time being. Been there, done that, and not happy about it.

The other thing is you might be able to still use Dennis out of the shop, if you were satisfied with his response. This way, Dennis gets your business and does not have to share with his partner.

Whatever the outcome, the partner should know that his careless words cost him business.

[LaurenB]

Posted: 7/27/11 at 3:54am

double post Updated On: 7/27/11 at 03:54 AM

[once a month]

Posted: 7/27/11 at 8:24am

Thank you all for your posts.

Incidentally, neither Dennis nor Charlie are gay...but I've been out to Dennis for many years. It was never an issue-or so I thought. I did call and left a message about never returning and exactly why. I wasn't bitter on the phone, and if Dennis would be willing to make a house call, I'd only then be willing to resume with his services.

Enis-I appreciated your response. You're right, I am much calmer than I was that day...too bad I wasted 4 days because I let a jerk affect my mood!

[StageManager2]

Posted: 7/27/11 at 12:03pm

Well, that was an overreaction. I can understand being upset at the use of the slur, but taking it out on Dennis and his 30 years of services is bit much, IMO. Furthermore, you "broke up" with him via voice mail. He at least deserved a face-to-face explanation or be given the benefit of the doubt.

[SonofMammaMiaSam]

Posted: 7/27/11 at 12:18pm

I'm with you Stagey. Four nights sleep lost over a word (albiet, offensive)-- drama, much? A thirty year old relationship deserves better than a voice message. I've been "married" to my stylist/owner/therapist for 23 years. She, at the very least, will get dinner and cocktails if I ever have to leave her.

[Phyllis Rogers Stone]

Posted: 7/27/11 at 1:30pm

I don't think there's anything wrong with your reaction. I'd imagine the surprise of hearing the word in a situation you wouldn't expect (at someone's place of business; at a salon, no less) has colored your reaction as much as actually hearing the word itself.

I get my hair cut at places like Great Clips so I don't really have any kind of relationship with the people who cut my hair, but maybe you do owe the hairdresser more than a voice mail. At the same time, I think you're owed not having to hear someone saying "faggot" (for whatever reason) while you're getting your hair cut.

Posted: 7/27/11 at 5:02pm

So what should Dennis have done to protect his 30 year relationship with you? You said nothing- why are you holding him to higher standard than you hold yourself? Should he have embarrassed and irritated his partner and endangered his career by standing up to him? If I were Dennis I'd wait till the shop was empty and tell him "Boy you REALLY embarrassed me Charlie when you said faggot in front of my customer! I've known him for 30 years-and he's gay! I can't imagine how he felt. It's rude and more importantly it's bad customer service to talk that way in the shop!"

I can't imagine Dennis knowing your number or whatever- I, like Phyllis am a "whatevers cheapest" hair cuttery-chooser. But all I'd need from him would be a call or mention the next time- and I'd in NO WAY expect that. Like I said-- YOU, proud gay insulted man did nothing. Why should a bystander be expected to do more?

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 7/27/11 at 5:06pm

You should have broken up with him on a Post-It note.

[Reginald Tresilian]

Posted: 7/27/11 at 5:08pm

If Charlie had said "n----r" instead, in front of a black customer (really in front of anyone, but just to keep the story parallel), would you expect Dennis to have said something at the time?

I ask because I'm not sure what I think anyone should have done, and I often find it helpful to make substitutions and see if it's any clearer for me.

[nomdeplume]

Posted: 7/27/11 at 5:44pm

In NYC I have only heard male black youths and use the "n" word on the street and in the subway, loudly, directed at each other and not infrequently. This is the supposed "own the word" counter-racism thing, but it still sounds derogatory to me. There was a joke about that in a Jackie Chan movie, where he heard the word and tried to use it in the same manner.

I've seen gay men on BWW own similar terms in the same way, even celebrating them, like the word "queer." Aren't there college courses on "Queer Theory" and the like? The word "Gay" can be used derogatorily or celebrated.

Maybe it is the intention with which the word is used that makes it offensive rather than the word. I remember someone complaining that another man he was working with on a theatre show was acting like a Nazi, which of course was an exaggeration over some controlling behavior, but the recipient of that was furious about being likened to a Nazi and raised a stink over it. Compare that to the "soup Nazi" who I gather took the term as a joke.

[TheatreDiva90016]

Posted: 7/27/11 at 9:41pm

Ooooohhh!!!


Joe...


(Points to above)

Posted: 7/28/11 at 11:41am

I speak up when I hear word like that. But that's just me.

[wexy]

Posted: 7/28/11 at 4:27pm

The guy that cuts my straight hair is guy. He got pissed at someone and told me "When I get my Irish up, I can be one be one mean sissy."