Funny review of ALEXANDER

[Borstalboy]

Posted: 11/23/04 at 3:06pm

via Village Voice

[Type_A_Tiff]

Posted: 11/23/04 at 3:10pm

hehe Thanks for that.

And can I just say that Angelina Jolie as Colin Farrell's mother is one case of incestuous lovin' I'd love to see on the director's cut?

[EvelynNesbit1906]

Posted: 11/23/04 at 9:12pm

Is the line about that "awful" Columbus film of 1992 a reference to Chris Columbus's Home Alone 2?

[Plum]

Posted: 11/23/04 at 9:21pm

Damn...it's got a Metascore of 35 right now. I thought it looked stupid, but 35? Ouch.

[EvelynNesbit1906]

Posted: 11/23/04 at 11:00pm

I thought the trailer for Alexander was great, but now that it's almost getting terrible reviews across the board, I don't think I can even plan to see it unless a well-reviewed film is playing in the same theater (in which case I'll sneak out of Alexander and into the well-reviewed film).

[BlueWizard]

Posted: 11/24/04 at 2:39am

I'm gonna see it. I'm just happy they're acknowledging Alexander's "gay f*cking".

[popcultureboy]

Posted: 11/24/04 at 3:54am

Oh dear. I have had my doubts since Colin's horrendous dye job and discovering he's using his Irish accent. Seems like I was right to have them. Shame.

[Borstalboy]

Posted: 11/24/04 at 11:41am

Some choice bits from Stephanie Zacharek's review in Salon.com:

""Alexander" may have stars, but it's got no juice. The problem with epics these days -- among them massive clunkers like "Troy" and "King Arthur" -- isn't that they're simplistic and immature; it's that they lack Victor Mature. In striving to give us quality cinema, directors like Wolfgang Petersen, Antoine Fuqua and now Stone play everything so seriously that they never ignite our imaginations. Everything is expensive, and looks it -- filmmakers like these value costly authenticity far more than sex appeal, which is relatively cheap, although, sadly, much more rare."

"Yet, as elaborate as they are, neither of the two major battle sequences in "Alexander" resonate. They're suitably gory all right, and we do get to see Farrell on horseback, in a feathered helmet, going "Yaaaah!," his teeth tinged pink with blood. That's how it was in the old days, and yet Stone works so hard at making these battles feel so super-duper impressive that they end up seeming remote. What's far more interesting is Alexander's alleged bisexuality, which Stone is obsessed with. But he doesn't do justice to that, either. There are no graphic male sex scenes in "Alexander," but there are plenty of rummy allusions to Alexander's closeness with Hephaistion, and several scenes with boys and men frolicking and cavorting in a not particularly heterosexual way."

And Christopher Plummer appears in a toga as Aristotle (if you close your eyes, you can hear the rounded, figgy tones of Edward Everett Horton -- shades of Jay Ward again?), explaining to his young male students that they shouldn't necessarily deny their urges: "When men lie together and virtue pass between them -- that is good." You see, in olden times, homosexuality was clean and wholesome: You don't hear Aristotle extolling the virtues of a long, slow screw from a big, dumb guy.

"...But Stone sabotages any depth of feeling Farrell tries to put across. In the dramatic wedding-night sequence, Hephaistion appears in Alexander's bedchamber, bearing a ring for his beloved. Dressed in a scraggly fur vest, his eyes ringed with smudgy kohl, Leto looks like a wronged hippie chick, ready at any moment to fling himself down, tearfully, on his Indian bedpread while Leonard Cohen's "Suzanne" plays over and over again on the turntable. (Leto tries hard, but trust me, no actor can survive that eyeliner."

"Jolie is the only actor here who gives the movie the shot of unvarnished camp glamour it needs."

[popcultureboy]

Posted: 11/24/04 at 11:42am

Oh DEAR!

[Borstalboy]

Posted: 11/24/04 at 11:52am

Hey, it's getting better reviews than CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS.

[robbiej]

Posted: 11/24/04 at 11:56am

Though I feel I can't put myself through it, if Jolie is anywhere near the camp gloriousness of Anne Baxter in THE TEN COMMANDMENTS, then I may just have to bite the bullet.

[popcultureboy]

Posted: 11/24/04 at 12:24pm

So let me get this straight. You can sit through Shark Attack III, but not Alexander?

[EvelynNesbit1906]

Posted: 11/24/04 at 12:27pm

"Hey, it's getting better reviews than CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS."

Note the screenwriter -- and that quite a few of the critics have pointed this out too.

[robbiej]

Posted: 11/24/04 at 12:31pm

Are you really saying ALEXANDER's effects can in any way, shape or form compete with the ahead-of-its time SHARK ATTACK III????

Surely you jest.

And obviously, you haven't gotten it from your British evquivalent of Netflicks yet, or you wouldn't ask such a silly question.

ponyboy

[popcultureboy]

Posted: 11/24/04 at 12:33pm

My little Pony, I do love you so.

[robbiej]

Posted: 11/24/04 at 12:34pm

Yeah...then where's my sugar cube?

I WANT MY TREAT!!!!

[popcultureboy]

Posted: 11/24/04 at 12:38pm

Oh, I have a treat in mind, but I can't do it on the internet.

[SonofMammaMiaSam]

Posted: 11/24/04 at 12:39pm

You'd be surprised

[popcultureboy]

Posted: 11/24/04 at 12:43pm

Not where you're concerned I wouldn't be, SOMMS.

[GovernorSlaton]

Posted: 11/24/04 at 2:15pm

Lots of reviews here:

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/alexander/

My favorite line so far: "The Macedonian Candidate".

[popcultureboy]

Posted: 11/24/04 at 2:19pm

I quite liked the "the film is full of wonderful highlights. They are all in Colin Farrel's hair."