Grandparents raising grandchildren.

[DG]

Posted: 7/16/08 at 2:32am

If someone raises a child who turns out to be utterly incapable of parenting a child, what qualifies them to be responsible for the succeeding generation?

[miss pennywise]

Posted: 7/16/08 at 2:45am

They did all the "wrong" things the first time, so now they know what NOT to do the second time around! In a sense, they're really better qualified to be a parent than people who have never even had children before!

I remember a line in the play Tribute delivered by Jack Lemmon: "The first child is like the first waffle. You have to be able to just throw it out."

Updated On: 7/16/08 at 02:45 AM

[DG]

Posted: 7/16/08 at 2:50am

Interesting notion, MissP - and obviously not without some merit.

I have to say, though, that sounds just a BIT like wishful thinking.

What it's predicated upon is them having the ability to learn - and I might need a little convincing that that's the case.

God, I sound REALLY pessimistic, don't I?

[miss pennywise]

Posted: 7/16/08 at 2:51am

I was just kidding.

[DG]

Posted: 7/16/08 at 2:52am

Oh

But there COULD be truth in the notion - if only . . .

[orangeskittles]

Posted: 7/16/08 at 3:20am

I think it depends on the circumstances. Not every problem that makes someone incapable of raising children is the fault of their parents- at least not to the extent that it should disqualify them for providing for their grandchildren. If the mother develops a drug problem as an adult after growing up with parents who don't even drink alcohol, it doesn't mean every child raised by them will become a drug addict.

Lots of people have problems in spite of the way they were raised, or success despite negative circumstances. You can't continue to blame the parents for their behavior long into adulthood, or no one would ever be responsibility for their actions.

[DG]

Posted: 7/16/08 at 3:22am

That's very true, Skittles - point taken.

But I don't know if that could be considered the 'norm' in these situations. And it's occurring a LOT - at least around us.

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 7/16/08 at 3:35am

Sometimes one wonders if all the kids in one home come from the same parents - I look at my family, and my parents raised my eldest sister's children. Having been raised by them, I think they did a pretty darned good job with us as best as they could. My other sister and other brother are excellent parents, and I have no desire to be one. So we (their children) run the gamut.

[jeniferrenepatricia]

Posted: 7/16/08 at 4:11am

orangeskittles- I love the last paragraph in your post. I don't want to go off the subject, but I've been telling my brother exactly what you said for years. We have a mutual friend that is a thief, drug user, notorious liar, horrible to his parents, loses every job he has because he steals form his employers, in rehab, out of rehab, whatever- name something, he's done it with the exception of jail time.

My point is, he tells us it's his parents' fault because they were so strict when he was growing up. I grew up with him every step of the way (grammar school, HS, adulthood- we live down the block from each other) , and his parents weren't any different than any other parents. Did they have rules? Of course... Was he punished frequently? Yes, but always for a reason. Did they physically abuse him? No, not as far as I'm concerned. I know that nowadays a parent has to watch themselves for hitting a child, but back then a smack in the butt, on the hand, a whack with a wooden spoon, or pulling hair was not a crime. That was the extent of the "hitting." Just to add to it, his sibling is perfectly fine- great career, family, well mannerd, good head on his shoulders. He grew up in the same house...has nothing negative to say about his parents.

[jeniferrenepatricia]

Posted: 7/16/08 at 4:18am

Sorry for the double post, I didn't make my point.

Anyway, he's a man that is too weak to admit that he needs psychological help, so it's much easier to just blame his parents for everything bad that he does. He's 38- get over whatever you perceive to be "bad parenting" and make a life for yourself. It's in the past, leave it there and better yourself. Last point- he's still living with these "bad parents" at 38 years old. How bad can they be?

[Mistress Overdone]

Posted: 7/16/08 at 8:26am

And even in the case of genuinely bad parenting - how long can you really use that as an excuse? Sure, there will certainly be some recovery and some adjustment when you first leave home, but at some point you have to decide to just get over it, move on, and build your own life. In the end, it is a choice.

Edit: Grammar time! ("There's be some?" Wow, I can't type.) Updated On: 7/16/08 at 08:26 AM

[justme2]

Posted: 7/16/08 at 1:29pm

DG, I completely agree with your point here.

I am amazed to see my siblings willingly turn their children over to be cared for by the very people that tied us to bed at night, locked us out of the house and dragged us around by our hair.

They failed with us, so lets give them a fresh set to screw over? I don't get it.

[DG]

Posted: 7/16/08 at 1:31pm

Just - I'm curious why your siblings are handing over their children in the first place - to anyone.

[justme2]

Posted: 7/16/08 at 1:37pm

my opinion? They are selfish, shouldn't have had the children in the first place, and should have planned better.

Their excuse? They can't afford childcare.