Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out
Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out
Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#1
Posted: 12/4/07 at 11:18pm
I normally don't post and just stick to reading, but I have a problem that I can't really talk to any of my friends about.
Today there have been rumors going around my school about one of my best friends being a lesbian, and everyone has said they knew all along. I was chosen to talk to her about it, but I am not really sure how to go about doing it. It hurts me that people are saying horrible things about her, but I'm not sure how to bring up the topic with her, since I am sure it has been a difficult time for her. I was told that she came out to her family and her parents have been really unsupportive about it.
My question is, should I talk to her about it...or let it go? I'm kind of hurt that she didn't think she could talk to me about it and I really want to be there for her to talk or just to know that I still love her. And if it's not true, I don't want it to be incredibly awkward. Can anybody who has had a friend who wanted to keep it a secret but it got around school give me some advice on what to do?
Broadway Legend Joined: 6/20/03
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#2
Posted: 12/4/07 at 11:23pmIt's her choice to talk about it, not yours. When and if she's ready, she will. Just continue to be her friend. If you force the issue I think that you'll regret it.
Broadway Legend Joined: 9/3/04
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#2
Posted: 12/4/07 at 11:26pm
you can start leading conversations...conversations that establish you as someone who will accept her.
It is a difficult time, and she (if the rumors are true) will need to know people accept her.
Broadway Legend Joined: 11/2/05
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#3
Posted: 12/4/07 at 11:28pm
"Just continue to be her friend."
This is what counts.
*sigh*
Still an issue . . . 
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#4
Posted: 12/4/07 at 11:29pmThank you all for your responses. I guess I just feel like I should be able to talk to her about it and help her through it. I mean, we live in an extremely small and homophobic town and I just don't want to see a really good person be the brunt of all these rumors. Updated On: 12/4/07 at 11:29 PM
Broadway Legend Joined: 11/2/05
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#5
Posted: 12/4/07 at 11:33pm
"the brunt of all these rumors."
I'm curious about this statement. The 'rumors' are one thing, reality is another. May I assume you're by her side no matter what?
Broadway Legend Joined: 10/18/04
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#6
Posted: 12/4/07 at 11:37pm
"I was chosen to talk to her about it, but I am not really sure how to go about doing it."
If I may ask, what do you mean you were chosen? Who "chose" you and what are you expected to do?
Broadway Legend Joined: 6/20/03
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#7
Posted: 12/4/07 at 11:46pm
Jan, I can understand your feelings of wanting to help. But, keep in mind this is more about her feelings than yours. Just because you're friends, doesn't necessarily mean that she's ready to discuss her sexuality with you. Everyone is different when it comes to their comfort level about opening up on personal matters, and there's hardly anything more personal than one's sexual identity.
If rumors are floating around, I'm sure she's probably aware of them. If she chooses to ignore them for now, then let her. Don't push it. Everyone comes out differently, some people do it in one fell swoop, others incrementally, and some never do it at all. But in any case, it is her decision and her time-line. If she feels like she's being forced to admit to something that she's not ready to admit to, she could easily push you away to avoid the subject. Your need to feel helpful, might actually do harm to your friendship and get in the way of her coming out process.
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#8
Posted: 12/4/07 at 11:55pm
The way you describe your involvement with the gossip mill makes it sound like you're part of the problem.
I don't think you should talk to your friend. I think you should talk to the "everyone" who have been talking about your friend.
I think you should say to them, "Listen, bitches. This is none of your F*CKing business. She is MY FRIEND, whatever her sexual orientation, and what she says or doesn't say to her parents or to me is none of your F*CKing business. Got that STRAIGHT? So lay off your bitchy nasty gossip about her, or you'll have to answer to ME."
Broadway Legend Joined: 10/18/04
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#9
Posted: 12/4/07 at 11:58pmJan, when you remarked that you were "chosen" it sounded like you may have been told to find out the truth from your friend and "report back" to a group of people. I hope that's not the case.
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#10
Posted: 12/5/07 at 1:06am
It hurts me that people are saying horrible things about her
What's so horrible about being a lesbian?
Broadway Legend Joined: 3/21/06
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#11
Posted: 12/5/07 at 1:18amIt happens almost never, but I completely agree with PalJoey on this. Further, this really shouldn't have anything to do with you or anyone else. Mind you own business.
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#12
Posted: 12/5/07 at 1:23am
It hurts me that people are saying horrible things about her
What's so horrible about being a lesbian?
I don't think that was to imply that Jan thinks being a lesbian is horrible -- I mean, she wants to help, which she probably wouldn't want to do if that's how she felt. 
I think she means that people are calling her friend nasty things because of her orientation. That it's not just spreading rumors that she's a lesbian, but perhaps other things they're calling her because of it?
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#13
Posted: 12/5/07 at 1:24amWell said, PJ!
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. - Randy Pausch
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#14
Posted: 12/5/07 at 8:20am
JohnBoy, I say the same thing about you to everyone on this board.
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#15
Posted: 12/5/07 at 9:46am
I was chosen to talk to her about it, but I am not really sure how to go about doing it.
So a group cast a vote and elected you to be the one to confront someone regarding a private and sensitive issue that has nothing to do with you or them? For what purpose?
Instead of asking your friend if she's a lesbian, why not ask your so-called "friends" why they have to know? What are you doing to promote tolerance? Do you confront those who are saying these "horrible" things or do you only confront the targets of their derision because it's easier?
I hope you make the mature decision.
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#16
Posted: 12/5/07 at 10:15amA little advise. The best thing you can do is be a friend. I grew up in a very accepting area of the country. When I moved to a small town, I had a friend who was having a difficult time. Rumors always surrounded him about being gay. I liked the guy as a friend so who cares. After about six months, he pulled me aside and was really quiet. He told me it was alright to ask the question that was dying to ask since we met. I couldn't figure out what it was. When he said he was gay, I said "and.." waiting for the big reveal. "That's it". And then we both laughed because it didn't matter. (My boyfriend felt a little better knowing that my friendship wouldn't evolve into a relationship) The best thing is to continue to love your friend since it shouldn't matter.
Broadway Legend Joined: 11/3/06
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#17
Posted: 12/5/07 at 10:18am
Finally! Well put MIster Matt. The best thing you can do for your friend is spread tolerance and acceptance to all those 'chosers' and let them know that regardless of the actual answer they are seeking, the girl in question is first and foremost a human being, one who requires respect and fair treatment. It is not of their business, and if they have a prejudice then perhaps you need not associate with them. Teach them that a person has value no matter what her sexual path.
If you do that, when your friend is ready to come out, it will be made a bit easier by your example.
Stand-by Joined: 11/5/07
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#18
Posted: 12/5/07 at 7:39pm
It sounds like it's something she has just started to come to terms with or, at least is just now feeling comfortable enough to start telling family. At this point, if you try to talk to her about it before she raises the subject, you risk being seen as someone who is prying and possibly passing judgement.
Let her tell you when she's ready. Until then, just continue treating her the same as you always have. When others say "You know, I think she's a lesbian" the best response a true friend can give is "Yeah, so what?"
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#19
Posted: 12/5/07 at 8:13pm
Again, thank you all for your replies and advice, which I took all to heart. Today whenever we talked, I felt like she already knew I knew, which was better in a way...if that makes sense. We actually had much better conversations than normal and I think it's because she finally got a huge weight off of her shoulders, even if it did start by rumors.
I now realize that it was stupid to ask her about it before she was ready. And yeah, I was "chosen" to ask her about it. If it sounds very high school, that's because it is. Whenever somebody tried to bring it up today, I refused to talk about it and everyone eventually moved on to something else.
Updated On: 12/5/07 at 08:13 PM
Broadway Legend Joined: 11/19/05
re: Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out#20
Posted: 12/5/07 at 8:48pm
I completely have the opposite response to everyone in this thread. When I was younger I would have LOVED if my friends would have just come out and said to me "are you gay". (And of course some did) I found it much harder trying to come out to someone as opposed to if they had just blatantly asked me.
BUT when I was a lot younger and first coming to terms with being gay it would embarrass and hurt me if someone asked...so I guess I am no help! :S
It really depends on what state of mind the person is in and at what point in their internal coming out process they are in. And you have no way of knowing that.
Videos
