Help Regarding A Friend Coming Out

I normally don't post and just stick to reading, but I have a problem that I can't really talk to any of my friends about.

Today there have been rumors going around my school about one of my best friends being a lesbian, and everyone has said they knew all along. I was chosen to talk to her about it, but I am not really sure how to go about doing it. It hurts me that people are saying horrible things about her, but I'm not sure how to bring up the topic with her, since I am sure it has been a difficult time for her. I was told that she came out to her family and her parents have been really unsupportive about it.

My question is, should I talk to her about it...or let it go? I'm kind of hurt that she didn't think she could talk to me about it and I really want to be there for her to talk or just to know that I still love her. And if it's not true, I don't want it to be incredibly awkward. Can anybody who has had a friend who wanted to keep it a secret but it got around school give me some advice on what to do?

you can start leading conversations...conversations that establish you as someone who will accept her.

It is a difficult time, and she (if the rumors are true) will need to know people accept her.

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Thank you all for your responses. I guess I just feel like I should be able to talk to her about it and help her through it. I mean, we live in an extremely small and homophobic town and I just don't want to see a really good person be the brunt of all these rumors.

Updated On: 12/4/07 at 11:29 PM

"I was chosen to talk to her about it, but I am not really sure how to go about doing it."

If I may ask, what do you mean you were chosen? Who "chose" you and what are you expected to do?

The way you describe your involvement with the gossip mill makes it sound like you're part of the problem.

I don't think you should talk to your friend. I think you should talk to the "everyone" who have been talking about your friend.

I think you should say to them, "Listen, bitches. This is none of your F*CKing business. She is MY FRIEND, whatever her sexual orientation, and what she says or doesn't say to her parents or to me is none of your F*CKing business. Got that STRAIGHT? So lay off your bitchy nasty gossip about her, or you'll have to answer to ME."

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It hurts me that people are saying horrible things about her

What's so horrible about being a lesbian?

It hurts me that people are saying horrible things about her

What's so horrible about being a lesbian?

I don't think that was to imply that Jan thinks being a lesbian is horrible -- I mean, she wants to help, which she probably wouldn't want to do if that's how she felt. I think she means that people are calling her friend nasty things because of her orientation. That it's not just spreading rumors that she's a lesbian, but perhaps other things they're calling her because of it?

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JohnBoy, I say the same thing about you to everyone on this board.

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Updated On: 12/5/07 at 08:20 AM

A little advise. The best thing you can do is be a friend. I grew up in a very accepting area of the country. When I moved to a small town, I had a friend who was having a difficult time. Rumors always surrounded him about being gay. I liked the guy as a friend so who cares. After about six months, he pulled me aside and was really quiet. He told me it was alright to ask the question that was dying to ask since we met. I couldn't figure out what it was. When he said he was gay, I said "and.." waiting for the big reveal. "That's it". And then we both laughed because it didn't matter. (My boyfriend felt a little better knowing that my friendship wouldn't evolve into a relationship) The best thing is to continue to love your friend since it shouldn't matter.

It sounds like it's something she has just started to come to terms with or, at least is just now feeling comfortable enough to start telling family. At this point, if you try to talk to her about it before she raises the subject, you risk being seen as someone who is prying and possibly passing judgement.

Let her tell you when she's ready. Until then, just continue treating her the same as you always have. When others say "You know, I think she's a lesbian" the best response a true friend can give is "Yeah, so what?"

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I completely have the opposite response to everyone in this thread. When I was younger I would have LOVED if my friends would have just come out and said to me "are you gay". (And of course some did) I found it much harder trying to come out to someone as opposed to if they had just blatantly asked me.

BUT when I was a lot younger and first coming to terms with being gay it would embarrass and hurt me if someone asked...so I guess I am no help! :S

It really depends on what state of mind the person is in and at what point in their internal coming out process they are in. And you have no way of knowing that.