How Do You Know? (Maybe This Should Only Be Kept In Private, But I Must Get This Off of My Chest...)

[Cruel_Sandwich]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 2:50am

I've kind of been struggling with my sexuality for a while now and I still have absolutely no idea what to "classify" myself as. I've basically been taking out these frustrations out on the board. This is why I have posted so many "Unconventionally Sexy Men" threads. I'm actually kind of surprised to see how many posters respond with "I thought you were straight." I don't actually ever recall saying if I actually was straight or not so I 'twas wondering where, exactly, those responses to my posts came from.

So now the question is what exactly is going on? I never really thought about girls and whatnot back during my pre-double digits days. Friends would comment on how such and such woman was so extremely hot and drool over sex scenes in randy teen comedies and such. I never had any interest, really. I was aware of girls and was actually attracted to some, but I noticed that it really wasn't for looks or for purely sexual reasons. I was more attracted to talent and intellect, things like that. Oddly enough, I found myself being drawn to men in the way my friends were being drawn to the opposite sex. Soon after that, I actually got into a relationship (with a woman) and it felt "right". I never once thought about being with a man. After the initial break-up, my mind began to wander and I began to really kind of take stock of what I was attracted to and whatnot. I began to look at women and men in the exact same light. I was attracted to both. This was really kind of strange and yet oddly exhilirating. I was plumbing to the depths of my heart and finding things I had never really seen before.

Which brings us to today. I am more confused than ever, really. I've only been with women up to this point and each time that I have been, it has always felt "right". And yet, I still find myself being drawn to men as equally as I am towards women. I am seriously wondering if I am actually bisexual or am just a straight guy who is able to appreciate the male beauty.

Sorry about the rambling. I really had to get this off of my chest.

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 3:00am

Wow.

I never went through any of this, I pretty much always knew I was gay, the way most straight people (I assume) always knew they were straight.

All I can say is go by what feels right.

[Link Larkin Wanabe]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 3:09am

Why feel the need to classify at all? Does giving a name to it really help? Go with the flow and with what feels right, and really what can go wrong?

Akiva

[StageManager2]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 5:27am

I've posted this before, but it bears repeating: The world is not black and white, therefore everything in it is a shade of gray, some darker (or lighter) than others.

Updated On: 1/18/07 at 05:27 AM

[Unknown User]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 6:58am

you can like the pole and the hole.

[harris007]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 8:28am

i agree with akiva


cruel does your school have any kind of gay student groups??? try going to a meeting or two there, it will be good to talk to others going though the same thing.

Updated On: 1/18/07 at 08:28 AM

[JerseyGirl2]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 8:50am

I live in the grey area. It's a fun place. Never referred to it as Norn just did...

Updated On: 1/18/07 at 08:50 AM

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 8:51am

NORN!!!

[iHeartMyGeek]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 8:54am

Personally, I agree with the "gray area" people. I believe that everyone, at some point, is bisexual (they may not act on it, but they may think about it). Just do what feels right to you.

[best12bars]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 9:17am

It took me until I was 30 to figure it out. I was a late bloomer and a slow learner, but I finally got there.

I'm very glad I waited until I was ready to "answer the question." It ended up being a very healthy, non-eventful revelation for me.


P.S. --- NOW I get why Far From Heaven hit you so hard! It's diving into your deepest questions and (possibly) fears.

[Kringas]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 9:22am

Is there someone you can talk to about this in person? Friend, professor, whatever? I'm not slagging your choice to hash this out on the board, but I'm wondering if you might be better served by having a one on one with someone about this. Perhaps you already have. If so, disregard this.

[Raviolisun]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 10:14am

Well, he's probably saying it on these boards because he knows that there are quite a few homosexuals here.


And BTW, with those "Unconventionally Sexy Men" threads were just started because you just are a good thread-starter. If that makes sense.

[StageManager2]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 10:15am

b12b: If you don't mind my asking, had you been attracted to men prior to turning 30?

I'd always known that I was gay. At least I knew I liked boys from a very early age. As a teen, I struggled with my sexuality -- not in the sense that I questioned it, but I tried (to no avail) to suppress my feelings, my thoughts, myself basically. Furthermore, I wondered if maybe certain childhood incidents "made me" gay or perhaps "contributed" to my homosexuality. As we all know, there's a stigma attached to homosexuality and I wanted desperately not to be associated with it. I now think it's just part of my make-up, something I was "born as," not "came to be." It's different for everyone, though, as this thread makes apparent.

Updated On: 1/18/07 at 10:15 AM

[lildogs]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 10:28am

I always knew too--I also agree that you don't have to pick one or classify yourself if you don't want to, you big ol' queen.

[Elphaba]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 10:31am

having known I was gay since the time when the Beatles first came to America.....I cannot relate to this at all.

Hell, in elementary school I used to chase around the teenager across the street with my camera, whenever he had his shirt off

But when my sister thought she might be gay, I asked her one simple question......I sweetly asked if she ever thought about meeting some sweet woman, having her naked in bed, and to perhaps put it a bit nicely "eating down at the Y".

The look on her face told me all I needed to know. No she was not gay, or bi.

So, cruel, I will ask you, do you ever think about meeting some nice boy, having him naked in bed, and....um, er......shall we say...choking on his, well...you know.

If your first thought is UGH......then you are not gay, and not Bi.

I believe that if you can imagine, and get excited by having sex with a member of the same sex, then you perhaps could be.

And I do not mean a nicey-nice romantic verson of sex, but the down and dirty "DO ME" version.

Anyway I am sure this post will be deleted.....but there it is.

Updated On: 1/18/07 at 10:31 AM

[vbplayer]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 10:39am

It may be that it's more clear to some and not to others. You will find your way in time. I guess it depends on what you want in your heart that will dictate your path. Try not to break any hearts in the process.

[lildogs]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 10:41am

Or condoms.

[JohnBoy2]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 11:00am

Cruel, if that's you in your avatar, then I don't think it really matters.

[PalJoey]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 11:33am

Elphaha's response was a little coarsely put but good advice. However, since you're also wrestling with the question of affectional orientation in addition to sexual orientation, I would also ask yourself: Whose arms do you want wrapped around you when you need to be comforted? A man or a woman? And who do you want to wrap yours around when he or she needs comfort?

I know it's confusing, but on a certain level, it's not, really. It just comes down to what would make you happy...if you were finally able to LET yourself be happy.

I've recommended this book before, but I would take kringas's advice and find a sympathetic counselor or therapist. Good luck.

Outing Yourself: How to Come Out as Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends, and Coworkers

Updated On: 1/18/07 at 11:33 AM

[best12bars]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 11:53am

"b12b: If you don't mind my asking, had you been attracted to men prior to turning 30?"

Looking back on it all now, I can definitely say that YES I was attracted. But I had no frame of reference growing up in Kansas in the '60s and '70s. No role models, real or fictional. The only "gays" we ever saw then were the few "clowns" and freaks in minor supporting roles in films. No one I had ever met was openly gay... until I got to college. The university had a large gay "community" and it was very shocking to me at first. Exciting, and also (believe it or not) repulsive to me! I was bothered by it, because I began to process my own feelings and it was very jarring. This is why I believe that people who are the most "homophobic" are likely the ones that are doubting their own sexuality. Otherwise, there would be no reason to feel threatened, unless they can picture themselves living a homosexual life, and they don't want to.

The best part was that my parents both came from the theatre world, and had many gay friends back in NY. They were very supportive always, and that didn't change for a second when I came out.

I was the one struggling with it. I didn't understand it. I didn't know you could have a "normal" life as a homosexual. I think when I saw the movie "Cruising" it set me back 10 years on understanding that not all gay men have to live that way. It sounds naive to say that now, but I was very naive back then. Nothing out there for me to compare it to.

I was so "shocked" by seeing a thriving gay community in college, and I was also rattled a lot when I was first "propositioned," but at least I was smart enough and open enough not to lash out at anybody. I knew that I was the one with the problem, not them. But instead of answering the question, which I was NOT ready to do back then, I put the whole thing "on hold." I concentrated on my career and on learning and growing as a musician, performer and writer.

Then suddenly, as I was nearing 30, I realized that my life was incomplete... and it was time to answer the question, one way or the other.

It wasn't as if I "turned gay" at 30. That's when I came out to myself and (simultaneously) my family and friends. And it was as easy as waking up... one of the biggest non-events in my life. Of course I needed help and guidance as to "what to do next," and I was very lucky to fall into a great group of up-and-coming gay friends: writers, directors, actors, musicians, artists... "successful," adjusted, healthy people.

Then again, I've always been pretty good at choosing my close friends. But it was great to see a bunch of guys whom I could look up to, be inspired by, RELATE to. That put me on the best course I could hope for. They're all still very successful and inspirational to me (published authors, stars of TV, theatre and film, even an Oscar-winner among them!).

BTW, I've written articles for magazines about my experience coming out a few times... so as much as I'm "revealing" here, it's far from the first time I've done it. I enjoy discussing it, and I realize that everyone's path is different... but this is what I went through, and I'm happy to share it, if it helps others in any way.

Updated On: 1/18/07 at 11:53 AM

[lildogs]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 12:49pm

Honey, CRUISING set all of us back--if I even see a clip, I can't unclench for a week.

[Mother's Younger Brother]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 12:58pm

I have to agree with PJ on this one. It's not who you have sex with, it's who you want to fall in love with and build a life with. Dynamically, men are very different than women...and the dymanics of two men together are different than those of a man and a woman together. I guess the only way to know is to just let yourself "go there," so to speak, and try to get into the gay side of things for a while.

I was never what I would call "confused" as a teenager. I had a girlfriend in highschool, and was then married for two years. In both cases, those felt "right." I always knew I was able to find men attractive, so I just thought I was open-minded. As time went on though, I realized that, for me, it was a quantity issue. Yes, those couple women were "right," but there were FAR more men out there than I found attractive than women.

But obviously, it was never a question of me "knowing." It was just what made me happier.

[TheatreDiva90016]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 1:02pm

I remember, as a young boy, watching the Gay Pride parade in San Francisco on TV with utter fascination. My Mom walked in and asked what I was doing and I said, “Watching the weirdo’s” to cover my own ass, but all I could do was stare and think, “Geez, I’m not the only one!”

[Mother's Younger Brother]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 1:05pm

Yeah, once you cross the line, hindsight starts playing a major role. Suddenly, you start remembering all those times you were "fascinated" by Buck Rogers in the leather pants, or Gregory Harrison in a speedo on Battle of the Network Stars, or...well, you see my point.

[doodlenyc]

Posted: 1/18/07 at 1:14pm

Who do you want to **ck your **ck? Joanie, Chachi or both?