Open letter from a Shaiman fan

Dear Mr. Shaiman,

Due to legal matters, upon which I will not dwell, I am forced to suddenly leave my home in Maine and start anew in LA. I have always been your biggest fan and would like very much to meet you when I arrive. I have seen how kind you are to the cacadoody fans on this site. I understand. Being a nurse, I also have the job of being kind and easing suffering. In fact, I could be of service to you in your continuing rceovery from your recent accident. We ahve to keep that leg elevated Mister Man.

I will be arriving in LA this evening. Please send a number at which I can reach you. We can open a bottle of wine to toast your success and then dance away the night to my Liberace records. You do like Liberace, don't you?

Oh, I'm so excited I can't stand it.

All my devotion for the rest of YOUR life, your biggest fan,
Annie

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Updated On: 7/22/04 at 12:00 PM

Little Annie will still be the only Annie for me.

Papa, forgive me. It's not my fault, it's the multiple personalities. Do you have any idea what it's like to be Orion, Annie, Edie, a Casting Director, Alan Cumming's former boy toy and soon to be producer and star of my own show? It's too much to handle all at once. The voices have finally become too strong and they keep whispering, Marc Shaiman, Marc Shaiman, like a soft breeze over the Scottish Moors on a foggy night. And every once in a while, on an especially quiet evening, I can hear the sounds of WOO REE WOO REE, echoing in my mind. It's maddening I tell you.

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Marc, you kiss your dog with that mouth?

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annie, baby, you need to take the pills that the other doctor gave you and lay off the other stuff if you know what i mean, you dust fairy. nobody wants to see your dirty laundry in public, honey (even if the ren & stimpy thongs are cute). i don't know why i still bother after you turned on me like you did you vicious little minx.

and marckie marc, i have no sponges. will sos pads do? i hear they have excellent exfoliating properties.

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no, annie, the best offer i'd had in yours was yours. i really liked washing your hair. gently coaxing those long curls clean with a slow and steady kneading. it was hypnotic the way your tresses held me mesmerized, sliding slowly over my rough hands. but i guess you've forgotten all about that now in your current state of hate. i should have known better than to care.

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Updated On: 7/22/04 at 12:44 PM

are you trying to hurt me? because it's working!

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i can't believe you want to play this out in public like this, but since you won't answer my pms i guess we have to.

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well, what's really fabulous is I can't keep track anymore of who does or doesn't like who...as it should be

and papa AND Annie, I have the knife and the SOS pads all set...what say, tonight at about 5am we meet in the woods?

I did a threesome?? Was I sober??

were you sober? in this millenium??

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again, you f***er, just taking that knife and digging it in a little deeper aren't you???

but that's ok as long as you agree to meet marckie marc with me, un-kay?

now since the woods are lovely dark and deep but big, we'll need to work out how to find each other because what with all the blow, my sense of smell isn't what it was. so what i propose is that you two call me and we can work out the details. so just call me ok? 407-599-6872 ask for papa (hee hee they'll know who you mean).

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Updated On: 7/22/04 at 01:47 PM

And it usually does.

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