Poetry Help

[DramaDork925]

Posted: 2/21/06 at 11:54pm

I need some help with a poem I've been working on... I like the tone but I don't know if I like it in its entirety. So any help anyone could provide would be much appreciated. It's called "Like Petals":

The little girl jumped and danced and twirled
skipping amongst the flowers,
every so often pausing
to pick one out of the earth
that she could add to her growing collection.
The little girl would dance her imaginary dance for her imaginary audience.
She’d pirouette and plié to her make-believe devotees delight.
Spreading her arms and carelessly spinning in circles,
the little girl dreamed of the day
when the audiences were real
and the silent applause because deafening
and when she had a real partner to lift her high into the air.
Everyday her mother would yell for her to come home
and she would drop her carefully picked blossoms,
petals scattering, and go to her mother
‘til the day she stopped spinning.
Years and years passed
and that little girl became an old woman,
full of bitterness and resentment to those
who went after their foolish dreams..
It had been years since she lost the ability to dance.
To jump. To twirl.
Yet she still yearned for that applause
as she enchanted an audience with her dance.
It had been long ago when she dropped those buds in the flowery meadow of her youth
and soon each lovely petal was blown away by the breeze
until none remained, except a bitter longing for what was lost
and the ghost of a dancing girl amongst the blossoms.

[cturtle]

Posted: 2/22/06 at 1:01am

i like the tone and sentiment also. but it sounds like a story, not a poem. try reducing it more to its lowest terms. you may also want to put it in present tense. good luck!

[SorryGrateful]

Posted: 2/22/06 at 12:11pm

What my creative writing teachers always told me was not to only tell things, which is what I used to and still have a problem with, but to appeal to any or all five senses in writing. You've got a good basis for something, but I'm not feeling anything because I need something more to hold on to than "this happened and then this happened."

Don't give up! Post your second draft if you like or PM it to me. I'd love to take a look at it.

[nomdeplume]

Posted: 2/22/06 at 3:10pm

Chop out 50% of the words.

Be ruthless and learn to say more with less.

[YankeesFan175]

Posted: 2/22/06 at 3:22pm

i agree with whats been said. just cut out some words here and there so the lines are shorter and more rhythmic. its got a very nice feel to it though. i could see everything happening. good use of imagery!

PM me if you want any more help or more specific answers. ive been told im very good at writing poems and id love to help!