Using that's how I was brought up as an excuse

[Jane2]

Posted: 6/22/13 at 9:54pm

People use "that's how I was brought up" as an excuse for many different kinds of behavior, like being a racist, being a physical abuser, being a verbal abuser, being fed too much fattening food, and so on.

Well, once these people have grown and left the family home, why is that excuse still accepted? They've had plenty of time living in the outside world to learn what's right and wrong.

For instance, Chris Brown physically abusing Rhianna. "that's what he learned in his home," is what I heard from various sources. Physicians also explain bad behaviors that way.

Why haven't those abusers learned anything once they left the home?

I"ve seen many obese people on talk shows explaining that they are obese because they've lost a family member at a young age. Is that a good excuse to perpetuate the destructive behavior long after the event? I don't know.

[Master Bates]

Posted: 6/22/13 at 10:05pm

[SNAFU]

Posted: 6/22/13 at 10:09pm

Victims of abuse tend to become abusers. An excuse? No. A Fact in why someone may be prone to it? Yes.

[jackieoh]

Posted: 6/22/13 at 10:19pm

"Victims of abuse tend to become abusers."

Victims of abuse do not "tend to" become abusers. Some become abusers because they do not receive the proper help or closure and several have issues with control but using "tend to" in this sentence is implying a lot of things that simply aren't true.

[Jane2]

Posted: 6/22/13 at 10:26pm

My own history with this is that my parents used to hide the cookies from me. They saw that I really liked them, so they hid them in order to prevent me from eating too many cookies.

Forbidden fruit - hiding them made them much more desirable and put a premium on them. To this day, I abuse cookies. Whenever I used to blame my mother for this obsession, she would deny that hiding them had that effect and that now I was an adult so I should be over cookies.

I think I answered my own question right now!

[best12bars]

Posted: 6/22/13 at 10:29pm

So much of our behavior and our perception of the world is formed when we are kids. It's when everything makes the biggest impression. Kids are new to this world, but our brains at that age are absorbing more information faster than they ever do as adults. We establish our world at that age and add to it as we get older. But it becomes a slower process, the more we add. We aren't as willing to be taught. We question more, doubt more, and absorb less.

That does't mean we can't learn new things or rethink things as we get older. It does mean it becomes more difficult.

My advice is two simple words: try harder.

[jackieoh]

Posted: 6/22/13 at 10:35pm

Jane2, my mother did almost the exact opposite; nothing was ever limited or censored in my house because my mom didn't want us to grow up and leave home and go crazy with things or experiences that she didn't allow us to have as children. I'm glad my mother did this because I made an easy transition into adulthood without the traditional "party years" that several of my friends went through after high school.

I think my mother's parenting philosophy was a bit more detrimental to my younger sister, but I turned out just fine.

[Jane2]

Posted: 6/22/13 at 10:35pm

Besty,I started this thread in relation to the Paula Deen debacle. Do you think she should have seen right away that racism was wrong and learned right away, or do you maintain the same theory of her brain being infected with racism as a child and now it's hard to change?

[Jane2]

Posted: 6/22/13 at 10:38pm

Jackieoh, that's great! I'm sure my mother thought she was doing the best she possibly could, but it turned out wrong. Parents do the best they can.

Don't get me wrong, as a kid I had everything a kid could want. The cookie thing was their idea of my not overdoing it with sweets.

[jackieoh]

Posted: 6/22/13 at 10:44pm

Parenting is probably another one of those things... How you are brought up affects how you parent a child.

The older I get the more I realize how arbitrary it all is. No one has all the answers.

[best12bars]

Posted: 6/22/13 at 10:44pm

It's harder to change as we get older, absolutely. But if we've learned harmful behavior, it's critical to change it.

"I was raised that way" is not an excuse to bail out.

[Gothampc]

Posted: 6/22/13 at 11:07pm

"Besty,I started this thread in relation to the Paula Deen debacle."

Jane2, I don't think it's a black and white issue. What puzzles me is that if Paula Deen were completely racist then why did she help the Neelys? A true racist wouldn't have given them the time of day.

[Phyllis Rogers Stone]

Posted: 6/22/13 at 11:24pm

Because she delineates between "good" black people and "bad" black people (the n-words).

[Wynbish]

Posted: 6/22/13 at 11:32pm

I don't think it's a "they're good, not bad" thing with the Neelys. I think it's a "I deem them worthy of being equal". I think it's worse.

[Gothampc]

Posted: 6/22/13 at 11:48pm

Or did Paula just see the dollar signs? Maybe she didn't care what color they were as long as she got her finders fee for bringing them to the Food Network.

[Phyllis Rogers Stone]

Posted: 6/22/13 at 11:58pm

I still think it's the old "there's black people and then there's n-----s* thing, which I remember hearing all the time growing up. It's also away to absolve oneself of any fears of racism, because you don't think all black people are like that. My response was always that there a-holes of all stripes, but that doesn't give you an excuse to use a specific racially charged to express your feelings about it.

*I know some people think if you're going to have a discussion about the word, you should use the word. I'm just not sure I'm one of those people.

[Wynbish]

Posted: 6/23/13 at 12:00am

Ah, the old "I'm not racist! I have black friends!" defense. I've heard it often.

[Jane2]

Posted: 6/23/13 at 9:15am

Yeah, I actually have had people in my lifetime tell me that I wasn't like the Jews they were bashing and that I was different. I always said no I'm not!