Your Favorite Joan Rivers One Liners

[PalJoey]

Posted: 9/4/14 at 4:11pm

Because hers are better than anything we can make up about her.

Here are a few to start us off:

===

Prince Charles, with those ears--he sneezes and he can hang-glide over the Falklands.

Bo Derek is so stupid she studies for her PAP test!

Peeping Toms look at my window and pull down the shade.

My gynecologist examines me by telephone.

Bring that camera in closer! Closer! No, get back! Get back you assholes!

Elizabeth Taylor pierced her ears and gravy ran out.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had

Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.

If God wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor.

I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware."

It was a Jewish porno film… one minute of sex and nine minutes of guilt.

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

[PalJoey]

Posted: 9/4/14 at 4:19pm

My vagina is like Newark. Men know it's there, but they don't want to visit.

[Hulmeman]

Posted: 9/4/14 at 4:20pm

Oh please - Princess Margaret looks at the microwave oven and shouts - hurry

[Gothampc]

Posted: 9/4/14 at 4:26pm

I've had so much plastic surgery, they should pull up all the skin, chop it off and make a little woman to walk next to me.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 9/4/14 at 4:31pm

That was Liz Taylor at the microwave.

[PalJoey]

Posted: 9/4/14 at 4:35pm

The UK Daily Mirror put together this list of her 80 best one liners:

===

1) It's been so long since I made love, I can't remember who gets tied up.

2) I’ve worked with Angelina Jolie. She saw a sign that said ”WET FLOOR” one time, and she did.

3) I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.

4) I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.

5) My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

6) All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

7) I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks...

8 ) I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

9) Katie Holmes is not a very good actress. Did you see her try and play John F. Kennedy's wife? She was so bad he shot himself in it.

10) I said to my husband, "Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?" He said, "I don't want to wake you up."

11) I hate thin people; “Oh, does this tampon make me look fat?”


12) I said to my mother-in-law, "My house is your house." She said, "Get the hell off my property."

13) Madonna is so hairy. When she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

14) All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

15) Bo Derek is so stupid she returns bowling balls because they've got holes in them.

16) My vagina is like Newark. Men know it's there but they don't want to visit.

17) I said to my husband, "my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs". He said, "Blue goes with everything."

18 ) At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

19) When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

20) The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.

21) I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, “The man goes on top and the woman underneath.” For three years, my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

22) My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

23) Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

24) I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

25) I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: 'Last Girl Before Freeway.'

26) Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

27) I have so little sex appeal my gynaecologist calls me "sir".

28 ) I have so little sex appeal my gynaecologist examines me by telephone.

29) Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

30) I hate euphemisms. “My Ralphie passed this morning.” No he didn't. He's dead. He's not passing anything. He can't move. That's the whole point, you idiot.

31) I was so ugly that they sent my picture to Ripley’s Believe It or Not and he sent it back and said, “I don’t believe it.”

32) As a Jew, I don't want to see Mel Gibson at a party. I don't want to run into him in the kitchen because there’s an oven in it and I’m afraid of what he might do.

33) A man can sleep around, no questions asked. But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she's a tramp.

34) It's so EASY being a Catholic. All you have to do is get f***ed by a priest, and they give you a set of candlesticks.

35) Marie Osmond is so pure, not even Moses could even part her knees.

36) I spit on education. No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

37) My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, “Pick up, I know you’re there.” And she says the same thing back, “How’d you get this new number?”

38 ) I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

39) I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

40) Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat, she puts mayonnaise on her aspirins.

41) All I ever heard when I was a kid was, “why can't you be more like your cousin Sheila?” And Sheila had died at birth.

42) Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

43) If I found Yoko Ono floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

44) I bought a pedigree dog for $300. My friend said, "Give me $300. and I'll **** on your carpet."

45) Every woman in this room tonight: Think like a second wife. You grab and you take. You grab and you take. And when you die, whatever you got out of him you have buried on you. If the next bitch wants it, make her dig for it.

46) Joan Collins lies about her age so much we should have her body carbon-dated.

47) I’m not saying she’s easy, but she’s been in so many motel rooms her nickname is ‘Gideon.’

48 ) I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again.

49) If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk.

50) I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

51) When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now... once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

52) A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

53) Gay marriage - I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

54) My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

55) When I was born, my mother asked the doctor “will she live?” He said: “Only if you take your foot off her throat”.

56) Don't talk to me about Valentine's Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.

57) You want to get Cindy Crawford confused? Ask her to spell 'mom' backwards.

58 ) My breasts are so low now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.

59) When I saw her sex tape, all I could think of were Paris Hilton's poor parents. The shame, the shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film... in a Marriott hotel.

60) My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

61) Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn’t remember the lines.

62) I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, "You are here". I wore Angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

63) I was the only Jewish kid in a Catholic neighbourhood. They all did Hail Marys, I did Hail Murrays.


64) I blame myself for David Gest. It was me who told Liza Minnelli to find herself a man who wouldn't sleep with other women.

65) I had this old guy give me a hickey - he left his teeth in my neck

66) The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.

67) Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. "My God, the floor's immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch."

68 ) Melanie Griffith is very sweet but dumb - the lights are on but the dogs aren't barking.

69) People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

70) Camilla Parker-Bowles is so ugly that at airports they make her frisk herself

71) Grandchildren can be so f***ing annoying. How many times can you go, "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.

72) No-one says this, but the vagina drops. I looked down a few years ago and thought, "Why am I wearing a bunny slipper?"

73) The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only twenty-eight-year-olds. Who knew he would find 20 of them?

74) I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.

75) Bo Derek has no concept of Roman numerals. She thinks we just fought World War Eleven.

76) My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

77) I can confirm Russell Crowe does not wear deodorant. In Australia I believe that they call that animal magnetism.

78 ) You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

79) How could Princess Di not be happy? She was tall, thin, gorgeous and rich with a husband who didn't want to sleep with her. And she had a crown!

80) I met Adele! What's her song, Rolling In The Deep? She should add 'fried chicken'






Joan Rivers dies: Celebrate comedian's life with her 80 bitchiest putdowns and funniest one-liners

Updated On: 9/8/14 at 04:35 PM

[dreaming]

Posted: 9/4/14 at 4:36pm

"My vagina is like Newark. Men know it's there, but they don't want to visit."

I love that. I actually heard her utter those words-it was sooo funny and I totally thought it was amazing that a woman (who not a couple of seconds before had been sitting near me) was uttering those words (this was in my younger days...).

I must say I have a special affinity for this one (since I truly detest Justin Bieber):

"I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had."

[PalJoey]

Posted: 9/4/14 at 4:46pm

Marc Shaiman just posted this one:

"Conditions in hospitals are terrible, terrible. I have a friend who died, in a hospital...died in a hospital! AND SHE WAS A VISITOR!"

[GoSmileLaughCryClap]

Posted: 9/4/14 at 5:00pm

I just finished reading "The Sensual Woman' and decided to try to spice up my sex life.

So I took off my clothes, covered myself in Saran Wrap, and waited at the door for my husband to return home from work.

He walks in, takes one look and says "What, leftovers AGAIN??"

[daisybeetle]

Posted: 9/4/14 at 5:15pm

Not PC, don't hate me but I laughed at this--

"I lost my entire family at Auschwitz...


"They got on the wrong tour bus, and I couldn't find them for hours...too soon??? Oh!...Oh!

[Gothampc]

Posted: 9/4/14 at 5:21pm

"9) Katie Holmes is not a very good actress. Did you see her try and play John F. Kennedy's wife? She was so bad he shot himself in it."

This one doesn't make sense. I wonder if they got it wrong.

[PalJoey]

Posted: 9/4/14 at 5:32pm

I think it works if you hear Joan's voice emphasizing "HIMSELF": "She was so bad he shot HIMSELF in it."

[Gothampc]

Posted: 9/4/14 at 5:36pm

PalJoey, that makes it funnier. You're right. It's an audio joke.

[sabrelady]

Posted: 9/4/14 at 6:36pm

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

The one thing women do not want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.

[madbrian]

Posted: 9/4/14 at 7:32pm

The Anjelina Jolie joke is one she recycled from her early days. Then, it was, "I was dating this guy who was SO dumb, he saw a sign that said WET FLOOR, so he did".

[darquegk]

Posted: 9/4/14 at 8:19pm

The joke about the skin making a little person to walk next to her was cleverly paraphrased by Marc Shaiman for the celebrity-bitch-fest number.

"I left just as soon as I could,
I go when the going is good!
Let's split the scene and find out where the pills are all stored,
We'll visit Cher up in the plastic surgery ward,
We'll gather up the skin she dropped and make a little man,
Then we'll leave just as soon as we can!
Ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!"

[darreyl102]

Posted: 9/5/14 at 12:02am

Her ENTIRE 2005 'An Audience With' is comedic GOLD!!

"No gay man will ever carry a bomb in his bag because there is no room- Gay men bring EVERYTHING just in case they meet somebody. He's cute!- Pink Sweater!"

(On auditioning for Depends)- " I did a brilliant, brillaint, brillaint audition- I just stood there and urinated."

"What is a good Nazi?! They gave every third jew a cookie before they went in the oven?"

(On faking Orgasms) -"For gay men- All you have to do is spit on the guy's back!"

"I am paying for a ten piece orchestra. let's count them together- 1,2,3,4,5 and a F'ing Mirror!!"

(When finding the chair on her stage has a large hole on top resembling a toilet chair- "I know i'm Older- BUT HOW DARE YOU??!!"

"Elizabeth Taylor walked out of the house in a yellow raincoat- 5 children tried to board her"

- And of course I loved how alot of times she ended her jokes with "It is Just"

Updated On: 9/5/14 at 12:02 AM

[Reginald Tresilian]

Posted: 9/5/14 at 12:05am

I met the queen. Have you met her? I only ever saw her on a stamp, so I went over and licked the back of her head.

[PalJoey]

Posted: 9/5/14 at 12:14am

I love that one.

[Reginald Tresilian]

Posted: 9/5/14 at 12:17am

It's my all-time favorite. She went on:

I think she had an affair with my husband. I'm not sure, but there were tiara marks all over his stomach.

[Reginald Tresilian]

Posted: 9/5/14 at 12:17am

I got that about five years after I heard it.

[Dollypop]

Posted: 9/5/14 at 12:08pm

"You know Queen Elizabeth. She's the woman who does housework wearing a tiara"

"Liz Taylor likes to eat so much she puts mayonnaise on her aspirins"

[PalJoey]

Posted: 9/5/14 at 12:17pm