I HATE MUSICALS

I Hate Musicals

(à la Ethel Merman in “Gypsy”)

Honey, if I want to see theatre, I’ll go see a play!
With no singing or dancing to get in the way!
Theatre is language and that should be all
Music belongs at the Carnegie Hall!
Not a reason on Earth, as far as I know
To write, mount, and open a musical show!

The story is moving
Chocked full of suspense
The plot takes a twist
And the mood is intense
Then someone sings a song (Like this!)
That doesn’t make sense!

Please!

I hate musicals!
I hate the new shows
They’re nothing but sets!
I miss the von Trapp kids
The Sharks and the Jets!
Unplug those keyboards!
Give me real clarinets
Miss Otis says,
“With no regrets,
I hate musicals!”

There doesn’t seem to be a shred of anything new!
The hottest shows were all composed by late ’62!
Now if you want to create a sensation,
Use a Hollywood star and amplification!
And whether the show is a hit or a flop,
They sell T-shirts and caps with their logo on top!
So even though ya hate the show,
At least ya can shop!
One size fits all
At a musical!

I hate the genre,
It’s all second rate!
When forced to see this dreck,
I always come late!
From overture to curtain call
It all turns me off!
I sit there and cough,
The whole night long!

‘Cause I hate musicals!
(But not as much as I hate this song!)

I Hate Musicals (Reprise)

How I hated Phantom down to each candelabra!
I took the book along and read through Les Misera-blah!
When it comes to subtlety, the Brits fall a hair short!
If I want helicopters, I’ll go to the airport!
So keep your chorus lines of gypsies and mames!
I’d rather see a flick or bowl a few frames!

No matter who is starring,
I never entice!
It’s way overpriced
And I never pay!

‘Cause I hate musicals!
But I fear they’re here to stay!
Yes
I hate musicals!
But not as much as I hate…
…Ballet!

Ruthless! The Musical
Book and Lyrics by Joal Paley
Music by Marvin Laird

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Updated On: 8/13/05 at 01:32 AM