America's Next Top Model All-Stars (aka Cycle AARP)

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 9/21/11 at 8:55pm

Episode 1: Who That Girl?

Listen up, bitches! This ain't just any Cycle of Top Model. This is the All Star Cycle. You know what that means. Losers from previous cycles are back. Only this time, their bitchier, they haven't eaten in years, and they probably just qualified for social security.

We open with Tyra in a white-white bed wearing yellow pyjamas with a matching eye mask. She's tossing and turning from nightmares. What could be causing this? Visions of girls from previous cycles, of course. Most of these girls would cause me to jump out of bed and throw myself out a window, too. But relax, it's not really the girls, it's Tyra pretending to be the girls. Sorry, you're right. That does only make it worse.

The stakes are higher: $100k contact with Cover Girl, national campaign with Express, spread in Italian Vogue, and a guest correspondent with Extra.
Celebrity mentors: The Kardashians will teach them how to make your sex tape go viral (in more ways than one), Latoya Jackson gives tips on breathing with stints in your new nostrils, Tyson Beckford will tell them how hot he is, KATHY GRIFFIN will give lessons in charm and grace, Ashlee Simpson agreed to appear for free, and the rest. No clue who they are, so they get the Professor and Mary Ann treatment from me.
Fierce challenges! Songwriting! Music videos! Signature fragrances! CSI: Topeka auditions! AND they learn to pronounce Top Model BACKWARDS! They are handing us the world on a plate, y'all. It's like Kwanzchristmakah every week for me. Booty-tooch gets referenced like 12 times in 2 seconds. Tyra has promised that she combed through every cycle to bring us our favorites. Apparently, she never asked me. Here's how I know...

Angelea (Cycle 14): Ghetto Girl. The one who didn't make it the first time around and was tossed a bone and did pretty well. When she didn't look like her cat died right before judging. But she did teach me how to walk into a party and make everyone laugh at me.

Laura (Cycle 13): Country Girl. Cute, sweet and her grandmother makes her clothes.

Bianca (Cycle 9): Bitch Girl. One look at her and you know she's all about stirring up some trouble again.

Lisa (Cycle 5): Crazy-Ass Girl. Peed in a diaper.

Bre (Cycle 5): Drama Girl. DO NOT EAT HER GRANOLA BARS. On second thought, do it. I would love a reprise of that meltdown. Just keep you Red Bull well hidden, then sit back and watch the fireworks.

Brittany (Cycle 4): Party Girl. Probably most remembered for having an inappropriate meltdown thinking someone she barely knew was her best friend. Or wait...was that her? Doesn't matter. She had some free time, so she's here.

Dominique (Cycle 10): Hey Girl. Looks like a drag queen. Not much else to see. Move on.

Sheena (Cycle 11): Nasty Girl. Posed with legs up around her head and a purse in her crotch. Love her.

Isis (Cycle 11): Tranny Girl. Used to tuck her junk, but now she's finished renovating the basement. Maybe that's why she doesn't look as gloomy.

Kayla (Cycle 15): Gay girl. She acts like she was the first lesbian on the show. Yeah, she needs to be WAY more specific.

Allison (Cycle 12): Goth Girl. Kewpie face, bug eyes, affinity for blood, no personality. Rocks it out in photo shoots. My pick for top contender.

Camille (Cycle 2): Diva Girl. I forgot about this wild-eyed bitch. She hated everyone and everyone hated her. And she sucked. Clearly, she's here to counteract the united front of bitchery sure to be served up by the Breanca.

Shannon (Cycle 1): Purity Girl. Refused to pose nude, but made runner-up. Her prudish logic has to be some sort of political platform pushed by the Tea Party. Only Michelle Bachmann will fervently claim there is any sense in Shannon's goody-goody blatherings.

Alexandria (Cycle 16): Misunderstood Girl. She's here because Melrose prefers the security of her retirement community. Her buzzwords will be "unfair", "jealous" and the overuse of "I" and "me" about anything not having to do with her.

These are our FAVORITES??? Tyra, you are SUCH a bad liar. Pity Janice Dickinson is no longer on the panel. First judging would probably consist of Janice climbing on the table, pulling down her panties, and taking a huge steaming dump while a blistering stream of bleep-out expletives shoots out her mouth and the laser beams from her surgically altered nostrils reduces each model to a smoking pile of charred hair and accessories. And not once does her forehead ever move.

Photo shoot and judging to follow...

Updated On: 9/21/11 at 08:55 PM

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 9/21/11 at 9:54pm

Photo shoot: The theme is an over-the-top expression of their personalities. In other words, candid shots. Bianca gets bitchy when they put red extensions in her hair. Oh, Bianca. Like you need an excuse. Kayla wears a gay flag because she's a lesbian. The creative team worked for DAYS coming up with that one! Please. Kim has probably punched the screen out of her TV and thrown back a six-pack by now. Shannon decides that lacy panties the size of running shorts are WAY too sexy and opts for a teensy bikini bottom instead. She explains that it's all about the semantics of "underwear" that makes all the difference. I'm sure Pat Robertson would agree. He'd rather see her wearing less, too. Eve ran around butt-naked before the introduction of sin, so I'm not sure Shannon has really sold her point. But she wears her stupidity with PRIDE and doesn't really seem all that interested to be there. Don't worry, Shannon. It's not like you were chosen because you might win. Isis, Angelea and Allison already filled those spots. Shannon cries, "I thought I came on here to be...me." That's exactly why you're there, honey. Aw...hugs!

Judging is "live" (meaning outdoors in front of an audience). Usual judges: Tyra, Mt. Leon Talley, HOLY GOD THE EVEN MORE GORGEOUS WITH HAIR NIGEL BARKER, and Nicki Minaj (never heard of her, but she's obviously a fashion icon of worldwide importance).

Lisa appears rocking out the Mad Hatter look and with this new panel of judging, we get about half a second to view the photos. Lisa's doing the splits jumping in a pool.

Allison appears looking amazing in a Bo Peep dress. Her photo is of a porcelain doll. Perfection.

Angelea appears doing the Hammer Time. Her photo is sassy and beautiful.

Camille struts her signature walk that's going to make her famous. Her photo is like a slutty football player of the future. I'm totally bored by it.

Dominique announces she just had a baby. She didn't say she physically gave birth to it rather than stole it from a maternity ward, so until that's cleared up, I'm assuming the latter. Her photo looks like she's humping a tree. BORING.

Shannon is a trashy slutty Christian angel. Even the redundancy is getting redundant. The photo is bland. Nicki calls her out for the bikini bottoms looking like panties. Shannon attempts a sassy finger wag with head bob combo and fails embarrassingly like every other pure southern white girl.

Alexandria appears and GETS BOOED. Like, viciously. Then someone in the audience shouts to her, "F*CK YOU!" and then "BITCH!" Jesus. Did she give some gay guy's boyfriend chlamydia or something? I sort of feel sorry for her, because that sh*t is going to be hard to shake off in the first live panel. She covers well, but her photo is really bad. She looks like the rejected poster for The 50 Foot Woman. And not because of her legs.

Sheena appears and somehow makes a jumpsuit look like THE fashion must-have of the season. She's totally hot. The judges aren't impressed with her photo, but it doesn't matter. She won them over already.

Brittany runs up to the mike and does some sort of rock-star yell to the audience that goes on too long to be charming. The photo is honestly not bad.

Isis works the runway like she's already won and shows everyone how it's done. She then works the audience and delivers a photo that looks like she's defying gravity. And...THAT'S how it's done, bitches.

Bianca struts her stuff and her photo is quite pretty. I'm really relying on her for some drama because I need to dislike her. It's just more fun that way.

Bre is sporting a late-70s vibe and really doesn't know what to do with it. Her photo is a yawn and she's clearly unhappy and discouraged. Not so sassy now, are you?

Kayla looks quite stunning with the long black hair. Her photo is okay, but not great. Laura is still wearing couture from the House of Wanda Sue. Her photo is very cute and bubbly.

Jay polls the audience to see if they remember who any of these girls are. Allison was considered the favorite, and given this particular crop I might agree, with not one person remembering Brittany. But Tyra said these were our favorites! FTW? The point of this exercise is to give the judges another avenue of justification for kicking out someone for ratings rather than talent. You have to respect their honesty for a change.

Top photo goes to...Isis! Duh. Allison, Camille, Lisa, Angelea, Laura, Bre, Bianca, Shannon, Dominique, Sheena and Kayla are safe. Brittany and Alexandria are told they suck ass. Who sucks the most? Brittany. Because the audience said so. Seriously, that was the reason Tyra gave her. It was like Tyra said her hands were tied and the decision wasn't up to her. This is definitely going to be a VERY different Cycle. Not sure how I feel about that. And I won't miss a SECOND of it.

Updated On: 9/21/11 at 09:54 PM

[supportivemom]

Posted: 9/21/11 at 9:58pm

Ha! Matt- hilarious! I didn't watch tonight because there was too much on the other channels. I've been flipping like crazy! I did watch this first episode and you nailed it! Oh- and you have too much time on your hands!

[Jane2]

Posted: 9/21/11 at 10:01pm

LOL, they do look kind of long in the tooth! But good bye Sheena, zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[doodlenyc]

Posted: 9/28/11 at 3:03pm

OH Matty! I have not seen this until now, when I had to do a search to post this bit of news:
http://edition.cnn.com/2011/09/28/showbiz/tv/cutrone-top-model-ppl/

Hilarious as usual, kid!

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 9/28/11 at 4:31pm

It's about time, doodle! JEEZ!! And there are so many wonderful tings about that article you linked. My favorite aspect is the pairing of THAT photo with THAT particular quote underneath. Can't you just see the excitement on her face?

[doodlenyc]

Posted: 9/29/11 at 9:40am

Clearly we are on different posting schedules, Matt.

I think the casting of this woman is hilarious and that mugshot? Brilliant choice! Ken Mok must have decided that they need a bitch on the show after Twiggy left, who I really loved as a judge. Paulina was snarky, but didnt make sense half the time...but wasnt mean enough. Talley tried too hard to be bitchy and just came off as arrogant. Bring back Janice!

I wonder if he is going to take the term "dreckitude" with him!

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 10/5/11 at 8:41pm

I know I'm running a bit behind, but it's been a busy week. I'll catch up. Meanwhile...

Episode 2: Ty-Overs and Top Dogs

The girls discuss the prizes in a limo because it has just been revealed to them. Good for them, but we’re going to be sick to death of hearing about them in less than an hour. Upon arriving home the winning photo of Isis displays on the big-ass TV and Isis responds with, “Jesus is my daddy”. No need to read to The Da Vinci Code now. Thanks for the spoiler, Isis. A couple of the girls reflect on the loss of Brittany and what it means. Domnique realized that it’s really a competition. Kudos for catching on. Angelea is completely ambivalent, which only makes her more attractive. They’re all wearing head scarves in their interviews, which can only mean…MAKEOVERS!! Meanwhile, Alexandria recalls the jeering from the live audience and actually states that she’s a “misunderstood star”. See, now this is why people don’t like you. A little humility goes a long way. And PLEASE don’t turn the word “misunderstood” into a drinking game (though I totally called it). It will only result in millions of drunk queens on Wednesday nights. Well, more than usual. Sheena is playing the Asian card. I love you, girl, but Margaret Cho owns the entire deck.

Tyra shows up at the “model apartment” with a little man in tow she’s been keeping in her pocketbook for special occasions. I’m not being derogatory! It’s sort of a turn-on, actually, but we can get into that in PMs. The shoter-than-Tyra man is Martin Lindstrom, a “Global Brand Expert”. Now, I have to say that the last name indicates someone of German or possibly Austrian persuasion, but I’m totally thrown off by the accent. What is that? I can only assume he’s Belgian because there is no way to determine what side he’s on. Or maybe one of those little countries that competes in Eurovision that Americans forget about. Like Malta. What does a Maltan accent sound like? Even the dialect coach at Julliard would tell you they’re singing in English anyway, so just go with Belgian. Regardless, Martin is here to assign a single word that would define the personality of each contestant to develop their “brand”. Fans of Top Model have already done this a million times over, so why pay this guy so much money to do it? Here’s the breakdown:

Lisa: “Daring” Which means she’ll have to top peeing in a diaper to boost ratings.

Sheena: “Unexpected” Because Asians are not considered hot or sexy. Especially by those who have never viewed straight porn IN THEIR LIVES.

Kayla: “Free” Being gay is so 90s and totally passé. As Heidi Klum would say, “You’re out.” Which is sort of the point, but we’re talking about fashion, which is devoid of humanity.

Shannon: “Trustworthy” Yeah, that’s totally what I think of a girl who sidesteps granny panties to wear a thong based on principles of morality. She can totally be trusted to look like a hooker because they rarely wear undergarments when they’re picking up Johns on the street.

Dominique: “Survivor” Apparently, not interesting enough for discussion.

Alison: “Unique” He totally wrote that down when entering the apartment and being greeted by her kitty-cat hat. He’s never seen nor heard of her before that moment. You have to pay top dollar for that kind of genius.

Angelea: “Persistence” The bone has been tossed.

Bre: “Girlfriend” Well, now we know Martin’s totally gay. No straight guy wants that much drama in his life.

Camille: “Proud” Which means they admire an egotistical bitch, but only in small doses.

Isis: “Inspiration” Commentary is skipped for obvious reasons which would have only proved to be awkward.

Laura: “Loveable” Can’t piss off grandma and her new summer line.

Alexandria: “Tough” Martin not only knows nothing about Alexandria, but keeps reiterating how “annoring” she is. Honestly, where is he from?

Bianca: “Candid” In other words, she’s a mouthy bitch. The producers knew EXACTLY what they were doing here. Bianca was just given a get-out-of-jail-for-free card.
Well find out how the girls react…

Camille and Dominique discuss the assessment of Bianca and how Bianca may try to use that to her advantage. Nothing we see is really gossipy or bitchy, which is sort of a let-down. Bianca heard her name and decides to RUN with it in full-out combat mode. She outlines a scenario for Bre and Isis and when they question her about what the girls were actually saying about Bianca, Bianca replies that it doesn’t matter, it’s irrelevant, gossip is gossip. Except when it isn’t and the only gossip is coming from your own mouth. But in her world, being candid has nothing to do with the truth. Camille, Dominique and Alexandria arrive and Bianca starts getting all loud and crazy. Luckily, the girls don’t take the bait and shrug her off to retreat to the kitchen. Naturally, they share the experience with other girls in the house and the basic consensus is Bianca is a drama queen. Oh, if they only knew what was coming up next.

The girls arrive at Siren as Mister Jay (I can’t even say that with a gay face) briefly mentions something about a photo shoot, when he’s suddenly interrupted by the appearance of Miss Jay and Ashlee Simpson. It’s time for Ty-Overs! It’s basically the same makeovers as before, but coined as new Tyra Banks vanity slang that will not catch on anywhere at any time with anyone other than Tyra and those she pays to say it. Ashlee is in costume as Twiggy from the 60s and babbles on about image and branding. Wasn’t she branded as Milli Vanilli from the image of her lip-syncing on SNL? Oh, and she threatens to release a new album.

Updated On: 10/6/11 at 08:41 PM

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 10/5/11 at 8:42pm

Luckily, these girls have been through this before, so they know what to expect. Right? Even more lucky for us, we get the usual drama of getting one’s hair cut. I swear to God, it’s like taking a toddler to the barber for the first time. It’s just so refreshing to know that even if they have been on the show or worked professionally the last few years, they still react with shock and surprise when they are instructed to cut their hair short. I guess they’re keeping it fresh and treating each job as if it’s the first. Or they’re all self-centered divas. I’m on the fence. I’ll just say the glass is half drunk, y’all. Lisa gripes a bit about getting her hair cut, but gets through it with Daring aplomb. As Bre’s hair get shorter and shorter, she gets more and more upset. She then goes to the restroom with a producer and threatens to leave the show. She cries and feels she’s already lost because they have taken away her confidence. I know. Typical Girlfriend, right? But she doesn’t leave and summons up some determination to be a Girlfriend to herself. We don’t know what that means, but I’m hoping it means she’s coming out of the closet.

Mister Jay arrives with lunch, which is hot dogs. He explains the girls will be creating designer hot dogs based on their individual brands. The photo shoot will feature the girls eating their creations. Honestly, the cover of Warrant’s Cherry Pie album was more subtle. The winning photo will be an advertisement on the website for Pink’s Hot Dogs to usher in the America’s Next Top Model Dog as a menu item. They have to model, eat hot dogs, and exemplify their brands ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Sounds embarrassing, yet delicious!

Laura does well.

Camille is boring and Mister Jay asks Laura to show Camille how it’s done. Oh, SNAP! Camille explains that it’s because she hasn’t eaten hot dogs for years. Right. You expect me to believe she’s into fish tacos?

Angelea is great.

Bianca does well, which is kind of a let down.

Sheena adds roses to her hot dog, which is supposed to be Unexpected. Then she’s just boring.

Alexandria looks WAY better with shorter hair and bangs covering that forehead. The problem is, she keeps crying with happiness about it. That is not Tough.

Isis is pretty much skipped over.

So is Shannon, but that’s because she can’t protest wearing a long dress.

Kayla looks positively bored and she’s completely lost.

Lisa says she’s created the “Skinny Little Bitch” which is essentially a bun-less hot dog. She totally has fun with it.

Bre is still harping on about her hair. She’s obviously never seen The Legend of Billie Jean. That hairstyle turned a simple girl from Corpus Christi, Texas into an overnight inspirational fashion icon across the entire country. Even the voice of Bart and Lisa Simpson clutched her scissors in a defiant act of solidarity and justice. Girlfriend has absolutely no respect. But she does ok in her shoot, if not just a little deflated. Like her hair.


At home, the girls discuss their feelings. Kayla believes she’s the total package. I’m glad somebody thinks so. Bre whines about her hair some more. She even goes so far to say she’s “bald again”, like she’s Nnenna or something. If only. Apparently, nothing else happens because we go right into judging. Lisa and Sheena, take note. Daring and Unexpected is having Ashlee Simpson as a fashion judge. She has a cut-out around her cleavage in the shape of a heart. I guess her brand is Tacky.

Updated On: 10/5/11 at 08:42 PM

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 10/5/11 at 8:42pm

Dominique: A stunning celebrity gorging on cheap food. They love it.

Bianca: Pretty. They have little to say other than they like it.

Shannon: Also pretty. Nigel thinks he might be able to trust her.

Camille: She looks too “pageant”. I think it’s corny and commercial.

Laura: Sexy to the point that Nigel’s getting a stiffie.

Isis: Sporting a fabulous little dress she made. Photo is noticeable, but a little crass and ghetto.

Kayla: Nobody sees “Free”.

Allison: Fabulous and interesting one-bugged-out-eye while wiping her mouth with her arm.

Alexandria: More sweet than Tough, but pretty.

Sheena: Less Unexpected than typical Cover Girl shot. Uninteresting.

Angelea: Cute and endearing. Nobody mentions Tina Turner, which I find very surprising.

Lisa: Sporting a Daring and cheesy Americana outfit that she totally pulls off. Her photo rocks. She is literally posing with her mouth open full of food. Best use of branding. And “see-food”.

Bre: Judges pick up on her defeatist attitude and WE DO NOT CARE ABOUT HER HAIR ANY MORE. Her photo is stoic and a little sexy, but lacking energy.

During the deliberation, Tyra decides to prove a point about branding and SHAVES NIGEL’S HEAD. Ugh. He’s totally hot either way, so it’s not like she proved anything. When I think of Nigel, I don’t think “bald”. I think…well…let’s just agree that it’s really, really naughty and nasty. But in a very caring and loving way.

Best photo is Lisa! Totally agree. Also safe are: Bianca, Alexandria, Laura, Angelea, Dominique, Shannon, Allison, Isis, Bre and Camille. Not sure how Allison was so low on the list. Sheena and Kayla quiver in fear. So who stays? Lesbian or Asian? Kayla stays. I sort of thought this was supposed to be the “whole package” deal, but I thought Sheena at least had the personality edge. Eh…doesn’t matter. I can’t see either of them winning, anyway.

Updated On: 10/5/11 at 08:42 PM

[wonkit]

Posted: 10/6/11 at 8:31am

Guilty pleasure - I keep telling myself I'm tired of this tired show and then I get hooked anyway. My least favorite - Lisa, who photographs "old" (in modeling terms), has no awareness of her face or body when she is photographed, and totally screwed up the "acting" part of the show last night. And THEN, she complains about everything and tries to excuse her poor results. But I figure her repulsive personality will keep her in the running until they travel (are they going to travel?), when she will be eliminated immediately.

[Jane2]

Posted: 10/6/11 at 10:31am

For some reason, last night the girls looked SO old! I mean, so old that even during their original seasons, they must have been pretty old.

[songanddanceman2]

Posted: 10/6/11 at 11:10am

I'm stopping watching and just reading this thread lol

[Taryn]

Posted: 12/10/11 at 12:09pm

OH SNAP.