An Open letter to the Vatican

[WindyCityActor]

Posted: 11/21/06 at 5:27pm

Found on the Internet:

An Open letter to the Vatican,

Dear Sirs;

With all the talk about the gays and gay marriage and with the bible clearly stating that homosexuality is an abomination, I have ended up even more confused about the whole darn issue. So the help me gain some clarity on the issue, I have a few questions:

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord--Lev. 1:9. But the problem is my next door neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. Given that she is college educated, speaks Spanish and Italian, plus she can really cook….what do you think would be a fair price for her in today’s market?

3. I know that I can have no contact of any kind with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness as it states in Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. Lev. 25:44 clearly states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? What is the difference?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself or can I have someone else do it for me?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination as is stated in Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this because I really love shrimp.

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear both contacts during the day and glasses at night. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? What if I get RK or Lasik?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair cut, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
Does a super cut count?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My brother owns a farm. I know he violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) Could I kill two birds with one stone (pardon the pun) and burn them on my altar?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. The world owes you a collective thank you.

Derek Roberts

Updated On: 11/21/06 at 05:27 PM

[Mother's Younger Brother]

Posted: 11/21/06 at 5:31pm

I've seen this before, but I love it. I haven't seen much out there that illustrates the point better than this "letter."