I couldn't get through that story. About two years ago, I chose to share with BWW that my mother had early stage dementia, brought on by a stroke. Of course, the folks here were very supportive. I chose to keep things to myself since then, including my mother's death two months ago. Without reading the entire story, I pretty much know how it goes. Mom was living with us when she had the stroke, and she continued to live with us up until three weeks before she passed. Long-term care was not an option, because even though my mother had dementia, she could bathe herself, feed herself, dress herself, etc. Private care wasn't an option financially, and though she qualified for MedicAid, They wouldn't cover care since she could perform the 'activities of daily living'. So, her care fell to me, my wife, and our three daughters. My brother and his family, who live 20 minutes away, were of no help. So, we had to take over her finances, manage her meds, take away her car keys, make sure she didn't wander off, and watch her slowly fade away. I had to put an alarm on her door so I'd know when she was trying to leave, which was sometimes around 3AM. If I had to describe my mother's personality in two words, it would be: Elaine Stritch. The similarity between them in demeanor is undeniable. So, if you can imagine struggling with Stritch at 3AM, trying to explain that it's not time to go get her hair done, that more or less sums up the last two years. I can't explain what it's like to watch a strong woman struggle for words and names, to watch a bookkeeper by trade not be able to write a check let alone balance a checkbook, and to see her have to give up just about every bit of independence. Of course, we had to struggle to have some semblance of a family life of our own. Someone was home with her almost every hour of every day; we went almost nowhere together as a family.
Needless to say, there were many emotions going on when she passed. Vacillating between grief and relief, then guilt about feeling the relief. Resentment toward the rest of the family who gave us virtually no support, but felt completely at ease sharing their disapproval of how I handled her funeral arrangements. In the end, I know in my heart that my family did more than what could have been expected of people in such a situation, and I have to believe that even though she didn't express it, my mother knew this. I just have to.
"It does me no injury for my neighbour to say there are 20 gods or no god. It neither picks my pocket, nor breaks my leg."
-- Thomas Jefferson
Updated On: 5/24/12 at 10:16 AM
