Being a fan and having a true friendship--can the two co-exist?--a discussion- Page 2

[midnghtdolphin]

Posted: 8/27/05 at 5:34am

vbplayer, it's chris evans... flame boy from fantastic 4. and we're ALL fans for life when it comes to him. so yummy!

[shameless]

Posted: 8/27/05 at 1:18pm

Ok, now that I've stopped laughing at Thenardier's post, I think depends on how big of a fan and what type of fan you are. If you're an admirer of the person's work and you happen meet them out somewhere, like at restaurant or the grocery store, and you strike up a conversation, then it's possible to become friends.

However, if you've seen their show multiple times and waited at the stage door each time to talk to them and take pictures, then I think the chances are slim of ever forming a friendship. Friendships happen naturally, they can't be forced, and performers meet so many obsessive fans at the stage door that I think they're cautious and maybe even a little suspicious of most people they meet that way.

I think they start to think that everyone wants something from them, and that's because most people do.

[Blair]

Posted: 8/27/05 at 2:41pm

I have become friendly with a certain actor, but I would never call him a friend and I don't think he would call me a friend. At least not at the moment.

I adore him as a person, and he has said the same of me, but there is still that age/location barrier that might prevent us from ever becoming close, like there would be with any other person. We e-mail back and forth about friendly things, but that's it.

I believe that you can definitely become friends with a performer, but like everyone has said, you have to seperate friend and performer.

[Jon]

Posted: 8/27/05 at 3:48pm

I wonder who Rathnait could possibly be refering to? She can sing, dance and act her ass off? Could it be the person depicted at left?

I would never dare to refer to her as my friend, yet she introduces me to her castmates, etc. as "my friend Jon". I guess that's easier than "this guy who's had a crush on me for the past 12 years, but he's not a a stalker, really!"

I would describe her as "a performer who knows me and likes me well enough to invite me back to her dressing room after the show, yet not enough to invite me for a drink!"

[Unknown User]

Posted: 8/27/05 at 4:47pm

Jojo is beautiful!

[Greg-4now]

Posted: 8/27/05 at 5:30pm

"That is called a stalker. "

There are several "stalker-conspiracy" theorists at BWW.

People that love theater, are generally "people - persons". They like meeting people, especially those they just saw perform and made an impression in their heart or soul. What is so wrong with wanting to meet that person and wanting to get to know them? I've meet a few of them at the stage door; a few seem pretentious, but most seem very warm and sincere.

[LittleFish8386]

Posted: 8/27/05 at 6:13pm

Clearly Rathnait is talking about Betty Buckley, Jon.

"When she walks into a room, I light up because she's truly the best person I know."

The Obvious characteristics of Betty... Updated On: 8/27/05 at 06:13 PM

[CJR]

Posted: 8/27/05 at 6:42pm

Yes, I truly believe it is possible to be a fan and become a friend.... and still be able to seperate the two.

I met a few Broadway performers through tours, broadway message boards (yes, you read that correctly) and at broadway stage doors and I would truly call them my friends. Those I can call when something happens and I need to talk, when I need help or a shoulder to cry on, or just want to shoot the sh!t. However, there are other performers Im friendly with that, while I wouldnt call them friends, I would call them good aquaintances. We chat about each other's current projects and families, maybe grab coffee once in a while or hang out backstage talking and catching up.

As with your other friends, there are those you can call at 4am if you need them and those you see on an occasional basis and know well enough to keep up with each others lives, but really dont hang out.

I have one performer friend I was in complete awe of when I met. After the show I went to the stage door just to congratulate her and tell her what an amazing job she'd done in the show. We hit it off immediately and spent 40 minutes standing around, bs'ing and laughing with the two friends I had with me and two other performers from the show. We exchanged email addresses, kept in contact and over time we truly did become friends. She's one of the friends I could call at 4am. We've known each other for years but to this day I am still in complete awe of her talent... she never ceases to blow me away. I'm both a friend and a fan and she actually introduces me to people as her "very good friend and biggest fan, Heather." I have been told on more than one occasion by other friends and family members of hers that she doesn't typically befriend people she meets at the stage door, but once they met me they understood why. As with any other friendship, people just click.

I guess what this convoluted post and personal example (just one of a bunch, of course) is trying to say is that it's absolutely possible to be a big fan of your friend... or be a big fan and then become a friend. As with anything else in life it's all about knowing boundaries and frankly, how well you and the other person get along.

I also agree with everyone who said you have to learn to seperate the two -- friend and performer. I run 3 websites for performer friends of mine and I know the limitations on what is public knowledge and what's not. The difference between things that are told to me in confidence as a friend and the things that are told to me on a business level. Having seperation of the two is key.

Alright, Im done now. Back to packing

Updated On: 8/27/05 at 06:42 PM

[JACXR71]

Posted: 8/28/05 at 12:23am

First off, props for a great thread. This is something that has always fascinated me to the point where I am now seriously considering writing my senior thesis on some aspect of the concept.

I'm in the same boat as the other "I'm at the stage where I know them/they know me well but wouldn't necessarily call them my friend" people, and I agree with those who say it is possible to cross the line from fan to friend (or, in some cases, remain both).

First of all, like others said, a lot of it depends on your reason for wanting to become their friend. It's good and great and all that you like their performance, but if that's all you have to go on then it's likely the relationship won't develop - like people said, friendships are about the real people. They consist of deep, emotional bonds that are on a completely different level than any part an actor might play, no matter how convincingly. It's very easy to get a false sense of an actor's personality based on the characters they play, no matter how real they seem - that's why they're actors. Not that all actors who play nice people on stage are really a$$holes in real life, but I've personally had my share of disappointments when it comes to what a performer is "really" like. Actors can be VERY different offstage, and there's no reason why they shouldn't be, as what they do onstage should not dictate their behavior offstage any more than being a doctor, lawyer, or garbageman should dictate how those people act off the job. Some of my most fascinating encounters with actors have been in situations in which there is no one around for whom they need to be "on" - in other words, no reputations to maintain, no images to uphold, etc. It really "humanizes" the actors for people who have a hard time accepting that they really are normal people (well, most of them...)

The other main point people have been making that I agree most with is that you can't just (or if you can, it's very rare) forge a friendship from nothing. You need to have some sort of foundation, some type of common ground. Thousands upon thousands of people will enjoy an actor's performance, or think they're an absolute doll at the stage door, but you don't see all these thousands of people on the phone with the actors at 4am (to use another poster's example of what constitutes a friend). These people have no shortage of others who want to become their friend. Friendships are co-dependent. Both people need an equal amount of motivation to maintain the relationship. In other words, you have to have something the other person wants - hopefully that something is a strong emotional bond or level of intimacy, the ability to confide in or rely on your friend in a way unique from all their other relationships. Of course, this takes a while to develop, but I would go so far as to say that your first couple of encounters are a good enough indicator of whether or not the friendship has the possibility of growing at all. Of course their are exceptions, as there are to any hypothetical situation. My point is that you need more than a friendly 'hello' at the stage door for a jumping off point. It's kind of a double-edged sword: as much as you need to realize the actors are just people, you need to prove to them as well that YOU are a person, as opposed to a fan. In other words, show them why your interaction with them is any different than other fans waiting for an autograph or a picture. It could be a mutual friend, alma mater, anything that would make them want to keep the conversation going, that would set you aside as an actual person whom they would be able to distinguish from the countless other people they meet in the course of their career.

I don't mean to sound like there's a certain "formula" or "steps" to building a friendship with someone of whom you're a fan - reading back over this, it kind of looks like that's what I meant. Of course every person is unique and I'm positive that there are countless examples that could disprove anything I just said - but the same can be true for how people meet their husbands/wives, best friends at college, etc. It's really something that just happens. You can only control what happens to a certain point, and then it's out of your hands. In my personal situation, for example, at this point I really can't think of any reason why this person NEEDS to keep me in their life, and if I ever called at 4am, they would probably be a tad freaked out to say the least.

Sorry for the long post (boy I say that a lot, don't I?). I'd love to hear what others have to say on this topic. Definitely one of the more interesting threads we've had in a while.

[ShbrtAlley44]

Posted: 8/28/05 at 12:42am

I have a couple of acquaintances in shows, but no one I could really call a friend. The only Broadway people I would have considered friends at one point or another were performers who were only interested in me for sex and chose to not reveal that to me until I trusted them.

I do believe, though, that someone can be both a friend and fan of an individual. The way I see it, a fan is someone who admires another person's work and/or the person themselves. I have friends who say they are "fans" of mine. My parents are "fans" of mine. So as long as you're not only friends with the person because they're famous and/or successful, I see no reason why a true friendship can't be formed with a person whom you are a fan of. (Did I use "whom" right?) Updated On: 8/28/05 at 12:42 AM

[midtowngym]

Posted: 8/28/05 at 1:05am

I just woke Raul up, and he confirms that it's possible to be friends.

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 8/28/05 at 1:07am

aaaaaaaah.

[midtowngym]

Posted: 8/28/05 at 1:10am

And Emcee, you KNOW you get him on Mondays, Wednesdays, Saturdays, Kwanzaa and Arbor Day. Be patient!

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 8/28/05 at 1:15am

YES. KWANZAA. YES!

He confirms, eh?

[greatdct]

Posted: 8/28/05 at 1:18am

I went on a date with a member of the Wicked cast. It was too weird. Ever since then I can't go to that theatre and see the show without feeling a little out of place and wanting to leave. I wish it had never happened.

So it is definitely possible, but I don't think it's always the right thing to do. Sometimes staying just a fan is best.
Updated On: 8/28/05 at 01:18 AM

[ShbrtAlley44]

Posted: 8/28/05 at 1:36am

Watch out for him! Updated On: 8/28/05 at 01:36 AM

[Jon]

Posted: 8/28/05 at 7:54am

greatdct - Did he make you drink some green elixir and try to have his way with you?

[BSoBW2]

Posted: 5/22/06 at 10:20pm

Is taking "candid" pictures a good thing?

~Thenardier Updated On: 5/22/06 at 10:20 PM

[BluCat500]

Posted: 5/22/06 at 10:32pm

Sure...its just like hunting wildlife...

[Jane2]

Posted: 5/22/06 at 11:07pm

I also have friends who are performers. I met them initially not at a stage door, but through work, or at social events, through other friends, etc. I'm also a fan of some of their work (lol) but not all!

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 5/22/06 at 11:10pm

I posted in this thread way back when, and now that it's back, I guess I'll post again with more perspective and less uncertainty. It can. Friendship in my case hasn't changed the fact that I'm still a fan of the work, and it wouldn't exist if I hadn't been a fan first, but it's also legitimate. I finally truly believe that.

Any post like this is so pot-meet-kettle, inevitably, I guess, but I didn't consider it real friendship until I knew the sentiment went both ways.

Updated On: 5/22/06 at 11:10 PM

[LilDiva05]

Posted: 5/22/06 at 11:12pm

I'm pretty close with three women on Broadway right now, and I definitely support all their work and love it, so it is possible to be a fan and friend.

When you're friends with someone who gets a job as a performer after you're friends with them, then it's even more possible.

[BSoBW2]

Posted: 5/23/06 at 2:30am

Well, I surely wouldn't want to be friends with someone who can't act. That's like being friends with a bank teller who can't add.

[bwaysinger]

Posted: 5/23/06 at 7:30am

I have a thought on this having spent a lot of time performing with, well, people a lot of posters on this board are fans of.
I guess I approached it a different way but I am friends with a lot of people I'd easily say I am also a fan of.
I have friends whose performances in shows are impressive, award-winning and estimable in every way but with whom I sit down and have dinner or coffee or go to their home and watch tv.
I will cede that I think it's harder to come at it the other way (fan to friend) as I don't really know anyone off the top of my head who befriends someone at the stage door and then has them over for tea.
But then, stranger things have happened.

[staticradar]

Posted: 5/23/06 at 8:41am

I think it's possible...

I know it's not the exact same thing, but one of my really good friends I met because I was, and still am, a HUGE fan of his band's. I met them at a gig, after e-mailing back and forth with a few of the band members. At the gig I hung out with the band and got to know the lead singer and the drummer very well. The drummer is now one of my dearest and closest friends and I still keep in contact with the lead singer as well. But the thing is I now seperate them from the band. When i hang out with my drummer friend we don't normally talk about how awesome he is at a gig or what the bands up to, I'll ask about his wife or what movies or tv shows we like etc, normal friend things. I must admit when we first started hanging out it was hard to seperate the two, but now it's easy and I love him dearly with or without the band. Also I get the added perk of rough mixes when they are recording albums and signed copies of new albums and EPs before the general public etc. But even without all that I love him to death and wouldn't trade our friendship for a million cds.

It's also cool that on my birthday he'll usually call me up and get the band to sing happy birthday too me lol, he knows I'll always be a fan, but I'm also a good friend.

So yes it's possible, you just have to turn off fangirl/boy mode when you're around them. And also know that they aren't really a friend until you know them outside the setting. I wouldn't consider myself friends with the rest of the band, maybe the lead singer to a certain extent, but the other members I rarely talk to. They know my name and if they saw me they'd smile and give me a hug, but I wouldn't call them friends by any means (mostly because I can't stand one of the members lol)