Being a fan and having a true friendship--can the two co-exist?--a discussion

[wickedrentq]

Posted: 8/26/05 at 7:20pm

I've been discussing this with my friend quite a bit, and we've actually discussed this in the past and realized I would love to hear other opinions on the topic. So I'll try to summize what I'm talking about and my opinions.

There are a couple great broadway people who I can say I at least know, as in they know me and my name and will say hi and hug/kiss cheek at the stage door and we'll talk for a bit. I'm nowhere near the point where I would even debate calling them friends, but sometimes when I think about it, even if I got to a really close relationship with someone on Broadway, I'm not sure I'd ever really be able to call them a friend.

I at least know for me, if I am a fan of someone, and I know this as a fan as opposed to personally, then I think it would be impossible for me to lose my "fan"ness of them. Could I be comfortable and go out and be myself? Well, at least hopefully. But, I dunno if I'm explaining this in a way that makes sense...like the first time I ever received a hug from a broadway performer, I was soo excited, jumped and squealed around for a bit after(not in front of him of course), and when I got home IMed everyone I possibly could to announce the news. It was interesting, I actually confessed to one friend that I felt undeserving, something I didn't consciously realize. It's not so much that I view them as "celebrity" as I am just so much in awe of their talent and stamina and to perform 8 shows a week, etc. While I haven't exactly jumped and squealed and IMed everyone after the first time I got a hug, I still do get really, really happy and feel great if I do get a hug, despite talking to them quite a bit, and I honestly don't think I could ever not feel this way, no matter how close I became with them. And I just don't know if a true, two-sided friendship can have one person so in awe of the other. I mean there are some of my friends who I absolutely love and I can tell you all these amazing things about them, but it's not the same. I don't get overly excited to hug them, or view them on a higher level than I view myself. So in my opinion, at least for me, I don't think one can be both a fan and a friend.

But there's also the part that I said with me I don't think I could ever not be a fan or view them in that way. I think if it were possible for one as they became more of a friend and less of a fan, and suddenly viewing yourself and not viewing the other person as a fan, but as a friend, then i suppose it's possible. Again, I don't think I could ever do this. And a part of me doesn't really want to. I mean, a lot of times when people talk about being shy at stage doors, etc. people try to calm them by saying they're just normal people, etc. And while it makes sense, especially if you're shy, and I'm glad I've gotten less shy at stage doors, I don't want to force myself to believe they're just normal people and not be a tad star struck--I mean maybe it's weird that I get so happy to be known by some, to get hugs, but it is something that makes me so happy, and if I convinced myself they were normal people and not be starstruck(something I personally feel has to happen to develop a true friendship) then I wouldn't get soo happy, and why would I wanna do something that would stop me from being really really happy at certain times?

But I know there are people that certainly talk to performers on the phone, and go out, and do things that "friends" would do, and sometimes this occurs even if they were fans first. So should this be called a friendship? Even if the fanness hasn't quite gone away? I don't know.

Well, that's my take on it, I'd love to hear more opinions, I've had several interersting conversations and thoughts about it. Discuss!

[Thenardier]

Posted: 8/26/05 at 9:05pm

Well, I don't want to be friends with assholes. And many stars are. Plus, my mom says I should make friends with people my own age. And I don't know any actor my own age. Not yet at least.

But if a performer came up to me and wanted to be my friend I would be freaked out. I mean, if they are famous, they should have people crawling around them to be their friends. So, that's pathetic if they want to be my friend.

But if they want to be my friend because of some weird fetish, I don't think I want to be friends with them. I mean, if they have this weird fetish of liking people who don't grovel, well, I'm not OK with this. I mean, I'm into hardcore S&M and I want groveling. So if they don't like that, that's not for me.

I mean, sure, people with odd fetishes can be nice, I suppose. But ya gotta have one fetish that matches mine. And I choose groveling.

But if a performer wants me as a friend, well, that's crazy. Do they want people to think they have fans? Like, is there some quota that a performer must fulfill of people they bring backstage? Or letters they receive? I mean, if this is the case, 1) I don't live so close to the city that I can just come backstage to help them fill their quota and 2) I don't write letters. So they would just be wasting their time trying to befriend me.

Plus, some performers are just weird. I mean, you chose acting as your profession. This seems a little off to me. So what if they bring me to their apartment and make me sleepover? I'm not in middle school anymore. I can't just sleepover. And I don't like sleepingbags. But what if I go to their apartment and they want me to eat crackers with canned cheese? I mean, I used to eat canned cheese. But now the thought disgusts me. And is it rude to turn down canned cheese? I don't know the rules of etiquette, but I watched I WANT TO BE A HILTON. And Kathy said to ALWAYS try food given to you.

So what if I say "no" and the actor flips out. I mean, if I called 911 and said I was at so-and-so's place, why, the police wouldn't have a record of it - due to the privacy actor's want. So now I'm screwed. And quite possibly may get screwed. And I'm too innocent to be tainted in such a way.

But alas, say I have talked a few times, say 3 or 4 times, to the actor at the stage door. Maybe we have a bond because we both like soul food but are white. But, I mean, I'm sure Michael Jackson was very nice to those children before they got to his house. But he's a huge star. Broadway actors aren't. So they aren't rich. And I'm sure the rich ones don't eat soul food. So I would never have a common interest.

Well, sure we are both interested in theatre. But so is Donald Trump. Would I befriend Donald Trump? Well, yeah. I mean - he is rich and I have no morals. But Trump isn't a Broadway performer. So let's not discuss him.

So say we have a common interest. I couldn't befriend anyone before having tea and crumpets or cupcakes made from Splenda. So let's say we do this, for whatever reason. I mean, it would still be weird. But say we do...I'm bored or have time to kill between a matinee and evening show, whatever.

Well, I only consider someone a friend if I've seen them naked. And no one will get naked in a Starbucks. And someone who does - I couldn't be friends with them. Public nudity is illegal. I can't be friends with a common criminal.

But then if I do see them naked, I may get disgusted. I mean, if it's a guy, I wouldn't enjoy that. And we couldn't be friends if he got naked in front of me knowing I wouldn't like it. Seriously, friends don't make other friends uncomfortable. I would taser anyone who stripped in front of me to make me feel weird.

But say it's a girl. Well, I don't want to see an ugly girl naked in front of me. For less money than it costs to park in the city I could rent GIRLS GONE WILD to see mediocre girls naked. But if the girl is hot and strips, I'd think she was a whore. I mean, sure, I'd like it. But if I had no protection it would be pointless. And I friends don't do pointless things for other friends.

So in conclusion, if I were a fan I would want to be an oscillating one.

[shira467]

Posted: 8/26/05 at 9:15pm

Nard...

You are simply fantastic!

[WesternSky2]

Posted: 8/26/05 at 9:15pm

LOL. Oh dear. lol.

Into hardcore S&M, BSo? Let's talk..

[BluCat500]

Posted: 8/26/05 at 9:16pm

Theres always room for cheese...

[BroadwayGirl107]

Posted: 8/26/05 at 9:18pm

Nard, that's EXACTLY what I was thinking.

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 8/26/05 at 9:38pm

Hm... I could totally be someone's fan and still be their friend. There's a local performer whom I love, and by chance, a friend recommended me for a job she needed done. I met her, we got along, and we have become friends. And I still go and see her in shows. Granted, it's only Seattle, but I see no difference with knowing someone who performs on B'way.

[midnghtdolphin]

Posted: 8/26/05 at 9:44pm

oh bso, i'm so proud of you! the corruption has finally taken hold. "i'm into hardcore S&M..." classic.

[beacon1]

Posted: 8/26/05 at 10:16pm

A word of caution...when "worlds collide" it can be a very odd experience.

[Dirty Rotten Scoundrel]

Posted: 8/26/05 at 11:01pm

BSO ROTFLMFAO.

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 8/26/05 at 11:04pm

I think it can, sure. But it's such a fine, fine line. And even in a situation I've found myself in of late, I won't call this person my "friend" just yet. I say we're "friendly." But in situations where an actor knows my name, or knows we've met before... where I might get a hug, or a handshake, or even just a second look, I'm still just a fan. There's a difference between someone like that, and someone who will talk to you for over an hour, regardless of your "status" versus his, simply because you can sit down and talk about issues that are important to both of you. I think they're relationships that have to be handled with a lot of care, because they're so weighty. And when it does happen, it's the most mind-blowing thing in the world. Something it about it is so scary and daunting, but the fact that it could happen to me in some capacity, with someone who I think so, so highly of... it's just... whoa.

For me, it's not about things that'll make me squeal inside, or whatever. It's about something that's going to stick with me forever, and that's going to make me think.

Updated On: 8/26/05 at 11:04 PM

[Magdalene]

Posted: 8/26/05 at 11:10pm

You can be a "fan" of an actor's work, but that is their job---just like a bus driver, firefighter, teacher, etc. They are just more in the public eye. If you can't separate the "career" from the "celebrity", I don't think a friendship would work very well.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 8/26/05 at 11:41pm

wouldn't that be interesting. If you were a fan but of someone not in the entertainment industry. Like, you were a fan of the mailman and you waited for him at your lobby and watched him perform his duties and asked him to sign some of your mail...

[*ClassicVintage*]

Posted: 8/26/05 at 11:53pm

LOL Chita

[luvtheEmcee]

Posted: 8/26/05 at 11:54pm

I have to admit, I LOL'ed at that, as well.

[brdlwyr]

Posted: 8/27/05 at 12:00am

That is called a stalker.

[vbplayer]

Posted: 8/27/05 at 12:13am

Nothing wrong with being a fan. They thrive on that. Probably a small chance that you will become really good friends though. If it happens...what the hell, you're lucky. Now midnghtdolphin...about your avatar (whomever it is).....I am definitely a fan for life.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 8/27/05 at 1:59am

Thenardier, I'm too tired to read all that right now, but I'll definitely get to it tomorrow because I saw the name Kathy Hilton, so I know it's great.

I have a friend who I was not necessarily a fan of, but worked with, and she was quite friendly and charming and quickly won me over. Now, many years later, it's very weird for me to see her perform - even though intellectually I'm fully aware of her immense talent, it's still extraordinarily odd to see the face and hear the voice of your best friend up there on that stage. It's awe-inspiring. It's, "omg, that's my best friend - look what she can do!" - every damn time as if it's the first time.

But, I can still tell her everything, and she can tell me everything, about our lives and work and friends and family as if we were two teachers, or lawyers. It doesn't matter when I'm sitting across a table from her. It doesn't matter when we're on the phone, or in a car, or on the subway, or walking down the street, or attending the theater. It always startles me when people walk up to her in those instances and want to talk to her - fans, admirers - because most of the time, she's not The Performer to me - she's my best friend, my loyal, supportive sister. Someone who I laugh with so much that I'm pretty sure it's only a matter of time before we're thrown out of a public place.

When you can look at someone and see what's behind their eyes, and not your favorite performer, then you're seeing them for themselves and a friendship is possible. When you know they'll do any and everything for you that you would do for them, then that friendship is true and real and golden.

Updated On: 8/27/05 at 01:59 AM

[Unknown User]

Posted: 8/27/05 at 2:17am

You are a 'fan' of a performer and the work they do, while a 'friend' is another person with whom you share life experience. As long as those distinctions are in place, then no, the two cannot coexist.

[wickedrentq]

Posted: 8/27/05 at 2:20am

Hmm thanks so far for your responses everyone, some really had me thinking, and some definitely had me ROTFL.

The feeling I'm starting to get is like I said I'm nowhere near being friends or really even friendly with a performer, so this is all hypothetical, but I suppose it's a very different situation when it actually reaches that point. I think I am staying more open and not making a judgement either way on the situation because maybe I am currently too naive/unexperienced to really choose the answer and back it up sufficiently.

Updated On: 8/27/05 at 02:20 AM

[Unknown User]

Posted: 8/27/05 at 2:25am

wickedrentq - I think it may be just a matter of semantics. The word 'fan' denotes someone who is responding to the performance, or removed from the actual person. I think there are people all through the industry who are fans of other performers' work - and are also friends with them. And there's the difference to me, I guess. You are friends with a person, and fans of their work.

[Tmyres77]

Posted: 8/27/05 at 2:30am

**You are a 'fan' of a performer and the work they do, while a 'friend' is another person with whom you share life experience. As long as those distinctions are in place, then no, the two cannot coexist. **

I disagree and while you might have made this distinction with the words "fan" and "friend," let me qualify. I have a friend who started out as a "fan" of somebody's work and enjoyed their performances. But over the past almost 10 years, they have become a friend. They visit at each other's houses, share in each other lives, but yet my friend is still a "fan" of her friend's performances. I think both can exist, but there is a very fine balance.

Just my thoughts.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 8/27/05 at 2:36am

"my friend is still a "fan" of her friend's performances."

I think that's the distinction I ended up coming to in my second post - it just took me a minute to get there

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 8/27/05 at 2:41am

I am without question a fan of my friend's performing.

I think the key may be that I see her as the person she is first, the performer she is, second. When she walks into a room, I light up because she's truly the best person I know. Not because she can sing and dance and act her a** off.

[midnghtdolphin]

Posted: 8/27/05 at 5:34am

vbplayer, it's chris evans... flame boy from fantastic 4. and we're ALL fans for life when it comes to him. so yummy!