Boyfriend issues

[Jonny boy]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 3:31pm

Excuse me while I vent........

So anyone ever been in a relationship where you always feel like you are the one putting in all the effort in.......like you are the one always needing more?

In every relationship I have been in that is the case for me.... I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years now and it has always been that way with us. He is a very analitical person and I am ran by my emotions. We are complete oposites... and I think we balance eachother out well, but sometimes I find myself freaking out over the smallest things.

For instance... our sex life is basically non-existant now...It has been that way for a few years now. He is 24 and I am 27. I am an EXTREMLY sexual person and always have been... and you would think a 24 year old would be always ready to go! Things were great at the begining , but now he doesnt put out!!! I am positive, and he isnt and I know that that may be a factor in it but, this was going on before I knew I was positive. Even when I suggest completly safe activities he's not into it, and when I ask him directly about the fact I'm positive he says it's not that. Because I dont get that sexual attention or physical attention at all from him ,my self esteem has gone to sh*t. When I bring it up the subject .. he always says its not me or the fact I'm positive , but what am I suppose to think?

Then .. I find myself getting jelouse over the smallest things. IT SUCKS! If he doesnt answer his phone or he gets a random myspace message, my mind goes to the worste possible scenario... I know it probably drives him nuts and its not fun for me to feel that way also.

I know that I obviously have and issue with my self esteem, but I only wish that he understood the way I feel.....

Just had to vent..... anyone been through the same type thing??

[Phyllis Rogers Stone]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 3:33pm

Maybe the problem is that he's 24 and he's been with you for eight years.

[Jonny boy]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 3:37pm

That has been talked about between us many times and I have made it very well known that I do not want to hold him back from anything. If he wasnt to go explore single life I wold never want to deny him that , but he insists that he doesnt want that.

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 3:37pm

You paid for the trip to Europe, didn't you?

[Jonny boy]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 3:38pm

Just my part

[Jonny boy]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 3:40pm

I go back and forth with myself whether or not I should just break it off so that he can experience things for himself, regardless of what he says.Then the other part of me says that its me causeing the issues that are the problem.... and if I wasnt so neady twards him and worked on my self esteem he would start to put in a little more effort. Updated On: 3/18/08 at 03:40 PM

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 3:49pm

Do you guys live together?

[uncageg]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 3:50pm

I was 18 when I got into my first relationship. He and I were together for 8 years. I loved him then and still do. He is my best friend in the world. (We are not a couple anymore. Haven't been since 1987) But by about age 22, I was wanting to branch out. When I told him I loved, him, I was telling the truth and still wanted to be with him. But a part of me wanted to get out there and experience what other single people my age were experiencing. He didn't know it, but I was feeling a bit guilty about wanting to experience those things. I think I got into the realtionship a bit early but I am glad he was the one I got into the relationship with. And he actually said that we would not be together because of my age. he is 10 years my senior.

Posted: 3/18/08 at 3:51pm

Why are you talking to us? He's the one you need to talk to. If you can't talk to him there is no relationship.

[Phyllis Rogers Stone]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 3:54pm

The almost non-existent sex would have been a death knell for me after a few months, let alone a few years.

You do sound like you both have a lot of issues to work out, within yourselves and with each other. And you've got a LOT of extenuating circumstances here (the statutory rape when you first got together, the HIV, etc). This is something that I think is a lot bigger than BWW is capable of helping with.

[Jonny boy]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 3:58pm

Sueleen... we have lived together for 4 yers now.

uncageg... thanks for the insight...we are best friends just like you and your ex were/are.

JoeKv99.... We talk every day and I express how I feel. He seems to get bugged that I constantly want to talk about the problems I am having in the relationship and I understand how it would get annoying, but we do talk about things...

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 3:58pm

"if I wasnt so neady twards him and worked on my self esteem"

Kind of hit the nail on the head there, Jonny.

Posted: 3/18/08 at 4:08pm

OK. Now it's time to ask the expert.
Ask Dan Savage

[Elphaba]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 4:09pm

3 things.

1. If anyone here says they have not been through this, or something similar, they are lying.

2. You deserve better, you deserve to be happy, and only you can do the things to make yourself happy.

3. As Oprah said on that show she did (based on all you've mentioned here).....He just isn't that into you!

I could not live with what you have described. You deserve better.

Poz/Neg relationships often work, and often do not. I'd like to think he's honest enough to tell you if that was it.

You have to decide what you will accept, and what you won't. 27 is far too young to settle........you deserve more.

off soapbox

sorry to hear this, it's not easy....never is.

[ShbrtAlley44]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 4:25pm

He's just not that into you, and like a typical boy, he does not have the cojones to break it off, much like my ex, who kept me hanging while emotionally distancing himself for about 4 months. I've never been so miserable and didn't understand what I did wrong. It turns out he just wasn't into me anymore and didn't want to hurt me (or get himself in trouble) by breaking it off. Little did he know that he was hurting me more than he could have imagined and getting himself into hot water in the process.

[gymdudeva]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 4:28pm

47-year-old queen here who is a loner but gets needy and overly sensitive when in a real relationship and/or in love. So I do understand somewhat. I'll be brief.

You do not HAVE to be in a relationship. You have never really known anything else, and it is everything to you. You are contorting and analyzing and torturing yourself because you are afraid to be alone. You're wasting the best years of your life on this crap. Get out, find what makes YOU happy, then when you are over 35 maybe get into a real realtionship if you want.

[tazber]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 4:29pm

Just throwing this out there:

given your past (and i'm referring to the family issues you've brought up on here before) is it possible that you're sabotaging the relationship so you don't end up being abandoned?

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 4:38pm

Yep, cut your losses and move on. He won't break off with you so you might as well do it now while you are young. You don't want him to stay because he feels sorry for you or doesn't want to hurt your feelings, do you?

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 4:39pm

Not the responses you were expecting, right?

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 4:46pm

Oh Jonny, been there, done that.

I'm POZ, my ex is neg. We were together for 11-years, which was about 5-years to long. Even though he denies it to this day, I do believe my being POZ was one of the main reasons for our eventual break-up.

We stopped most intimacy around the time I got really sick, though it had been in decline. We stayed together ... who knows why he did; I now know that I was terrified of being alone, who would want to date a POZ guy anyway, right? I had someone who was content with me, and I was content with him. We had our routines, our house, shared lives. But I was unhappy - depressed, gained weight, not involved in any of the things I enjoy, didn't really have my own friends. Eventually he got the nerve and broke-up with me. It didn't come as a surprise to either one of us.

I took time to be alone ... rediscover who I am, accept myself for who I am, date, a lot, and now after 5 years I find myself in a new, healthy relationship. And my ex and I remain very good friends, to the point where we (my bf and I) went on vacation with him his partner.

Can't tell you what to do, only relay my personal experience.

[SueleenGay]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 4:51pm

There are no easy answers and every situation is different, just know that there are worse things than being single.

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 4:57pm

I actually loved being single. It's taken me a while to get used to being in a relationship again.

[touchmeinthemorning]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 5:11pm

My two step solution:

1. He's not that into you.
2. It has nothing to do with you.

Once you can make those two things make sense, I think you'll be set, and you'll know exactly what to do.

[Elphaba]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 5:19pm

Roy, you are simply amazing.

[jaystarr]

Posted: 3/18/08 at 5:35pm

Sorry to hear that, Jonny! I hope everything works out for you & your bf!

J*