Catholic Jokes!- Page 4

[SonofMammaMiaSam]

Posted: 12/5/06 at 2:53pm

but perhaps gives the title of this thread a new twist

[SweetQintheLights]

Posted: 12/5/06 at 2:54pm

Bluemoon-

Is this the thread you were talking about Dollypop's post?

https://forum.broadwayworld.com/readmessage.cfm?boardname=off&thread=882975#1778618

[chicolini]

Posted: 12/5/06 at 2:54pm

Oh I know I'm naive, CJR, but it helps me to stay positive when I question my faith. It helps that I go to a very welcoming church, but I can see how discouraging it would be in a more dogmatic and unyielding place.

I heard a great line (can't remember where) about giving women more power in the church. The speaker said that women already have more power that either they or the bishops realize. For the most part they are the ones ensuring their children receive the sacraments, continuing the progression of the faith, getting their families to go to church every week. Without them, the church would be in serious trouble. No, it's not the same as female priests, but it's a start.

[doodlenyc]

Posted: 12/5/06 at 2:55pm

Okay, I feel like I am sounding like I am criticizing individuals here, and I am certainly not. Please know that I am still a very spiritual person, but cannot see being a member of an organized religion (any for that matter) whose teachings and doctrine I dont believe in...no matter how cool some of the teachers and other members may be. It doesnt make sense to me to say, I believe in alot of what the church says, but choose to ignore what they are saying about many social issues.

My problem is not just with Catholicism as much as it is with organized religion as a whole, and as long as man is "interpreting" God's teachings and expectations for his children, I will have a hard time playing along.

See, it's man I have a problem with...not God...

...or Bluemoon OR CJR.

[PB ENT.]

Posted: 12/5/06 at 2:58pm

...then there was this conversation between the little boy and the catholic priest.

Priest: My son, holy water is the most powerful fluid on this earth. Just yesterday, I sprinkled some of this precious water on the belly of a mother in hard labor and in 15 minuets she passed a healthy baby girl.

Little boy: That's good, father. But, my brother threw a cup of turpentine on our cat's ass and she passed a Honda in 15 seconds.

[Bluemoon]

Posted: 12/5/06 at 3:01pm

And I never doubted that for a minute, Doodle. In the end, it's not religion (organized or not)that matters at all...it's faith. And THAT's sometimes the hardest thing to swallow.

OK, way too serious here. Where the hell's the joke?

[StageManager2]

Posted: 12/5/06 at 3:04pm

Here ya go, Bluemoon:

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Kathy, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

[Bluemoon]

Posted: 12/5/06 at 3:06pm

HA! Thanks, SM!

[RobbO]

Posted: 12/5/06 at 3:08pm

eta: never google "catholic joke" and trust the results it gives you. unless the asian guy is catholic...
darren from philly has a joke for you.

Updated On: 12/5/06 at 03:08 PM

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 12/5/06 at 3:10pm

I found this one, not really Catholic per se, but funny:

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

[RobbO]

Posted: 12/5/06 at 3:12pm

4:20 p.m., sure, but at least it's a catholic joke.

[doodlenyc]

Posted: 12/5/06 at 3:13pm

Darren is a cutie!

and that aint no joke!

[StageManager2]

Posted: 12/5/06 at 3:14pm

What the hell was that, Robbo?

[RobbO]

Posted: 12/5/06 at 3:16pm

supplies!

ha, ha, ha, it gets me EVERY time.

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 12/5/06 at 3:17pm

The new nun goes to her first confession.

She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret.

The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

[chicolini]

Posted: 12/5/06 at 3:18pm

Samuel was a Jewish boy who was doing very poorly in math class. His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, specialized learning programs – anything they could think of. Finally, as a last resort, they enrolled Samuel in a local Catholic school.

When Samuel came home after his first day there, he had a serious look on his face. He didn’t even say hello to his mother. Instead he ran straight to his room to study. His parents were amazed. After the family supper, Samuel immediately hurried back to his room to study some more.

This continued for a number of days. Never had Samuel studied so hard or taken math so seriously. Finally the day arrived when Samuel brought home his report card and quietly laid it on the kitchen table. Again he went to his room to study. His parents opened it to discover their son had earned an “A” in math!

They could no longer hold their curiosity so they went to his room and asked: “Samuel, how did you earn this ‘A’? Was it the nuns? The discipline? The textbook? The uniforms?” Samuel looked at them and shook his head “No!” “Then what was it?” the parents insisted. Samuel replied earnestly, “Well on the first day of class I knew they weren’t fooling around when I saw that guy on the front wall nailed to the plus sign!”

[CJR]

Posted: 12/5/06 at 3:32pm

chicolini, I didnt mean to imply that you are naive. I can understand where you're coming from as I too, belong to a very open and welcoming church.

And doodle, it didnt come off to me that you were criticizing individuals. I can understand and identify with your problem with orgainized religion as a whole.

Bluemoon is right, what it all comes down to is faith. Whatever you have you hold your faith in, what's most important is that you have faith. It's funny, for as cynical as I am, for as much of a no bullsh!t realist as I can be, I still have that blind faith. The belief that everything will always work out in the end and be okay... And that if it doesn't work out, it isn't the end.

That being said, I have a joke. Well, two jokes. One's a Catholic joke and the other is one my little brother told me the other night and had me hysterical (ps, how excited am I? Im flying my little brother home for Christmas -- I can't wait to see him -- it's been over a year!)

What do a Catholic priest and a Christmas Tree have in common?
----The balls are just for decoration.

What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
----Either way, somebody's bound to lose a trailer

(okay, THAT one was a low blow, but it's pretty funny)

Updated On: 12/5/06 at 03:32 PM