Cover Letters-help

[singtopher]

Posted: 3/1/10 at 11:22am

Here is a sample cover letter that I would send to an employer. I'm seeking administrative/personal assistant work. My experience would lend itself to an entry level position. I'd just like some constructive feedback on my cover letter. I feel it's a bit unorthodox, but I really like it. As an employer, would you want to interview me?


"Hello!

Having read your ad for the Assistants position, I was compelled to submit myself for what seems like a wonderful challenge for me. I graduated in the spring of 2008 with a BFA in Theatre and moved to New York City in January of 2009. So far, the city and I have had our differences, and I've learned a lot about myself and what the world expects of me. Here are some of the qualities that I have acquired over past years that would lend themselves to being an effective and successful employee in your company.

1) I learn quick- This has always been one of my great strengths. You'll find that I strive to be as independent as I can be. I don't like to be the one constantly asking for help as it slows everyone down. As a result, I've learned to learn quick!
2) I'm meticulous- It's a cliche, but, "do it once, and do it right," is my motto. Taking the extra time now to do things correctly pays dividends in the future.
3) I'm a team player- I care about others in the office, and the company as a whole. As a result, I see my job at the office as a contributor to the greater good.

This may be rather long for a cover letter, but I feel it's important to take time to write a meaningful letter. Please take a look at my resume. You'll see I already have two previous years as an administrative assistant to an esteemed professor at a top university. Hopefully I will hear from you in the future. I look forward to hearing more about the company and the position.

I thank you for your consideration."

Thanks guys!

[TheatreDiva90016]

Posted: 3/1/10 at 11:28am

What Not To Put In A Cover Letter

[muscle23ftl]

Posted: 3/1/10 at 11:30am

I'd hire you! I think some employers must receive so many cover letters and resumes nowadays, I feel yours stands out.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 3/1/10 at 11:33am

I try to write a specific cover letter for each specific job I apply for- you can use the same general structure but I try to include a specific sentence or two about why I want THIS job or why I want to work for THIS company.

And I'd focus more on why it's advantageous to the company to hire YOU and not focus on how different or quirky you are. No one cares how you feel about the city. And you buried "two years of experience" in the last sentence- get to that ASAP!

Your goal in the cover letter is to get your resume read. Short, to the point and focused works better than long and unique.

[madbrian]

Posted: 3/1/10 at 11:34am

You need to fix a couple of grammar issues. You don't learn 'quick', you learn 'quickly'.

"Having read your ad for the Assistants position, I was compelled to submit myself for what seems like a wonderful challenge for me."

That's a horribly constructed sentence. First of all, 'Assistants' should be singular rather than plural. Also, 'compelled' is a poor choice of words, but if you choose to use it, it should be 'am compelled' rather than 'was compelled'. Also, 'submit myself' needs to be fixed. Here's my take:

Having read your ad for the Assistant position, I would like to apply for what seems to be a wonderful challenge.

[Marianne2]

Posted: 3/1/10 at 11:38am

This is according to a professor I had in college who worked on this with my senior seminar class. He told us that information such as where and when you graduated, what degree you have, etc... was redundant because it is on the resume itself. If this is wrong, someone please correct me.

[singtopher]

Posted: 3/1/10 at 11:47am

Thanks for the feedback.

Joe- I agree about tailoring the letter to the job. The job this particular letter was drafted for listed nothing about the company (No name, no contact) or the job (just said "an administrative assistant position"), so unfortunately the letter was rather generic as a result.

Brain-Thanks. Reading through it after a few minutes I picked up on some of those mistakes.

[danmag]

Posted: 3/1/10 at 2:02pm

I like it, Sing. And I'm totally stealing some of those ideas for my own cover letters!

[singtopher]

Posted: 3/1/10 at 2:25pm

Thanks Danmag! I like the format. Much more bold than the plain old vanilla three paragraph format.

[SweetQintheLights]

Posted: 3/1/10 at 3:34pm

These are just my opinions....what I write is not absolutely necessary.

If I repeat something something that someone else said, please forgive me; I did not read the whole thread.

1) "I learn quick"

You don't learn quick- you learn quickly.


2) "So far, the city and I have had our differences"

That almost sounds negative. Besides, how can a person have a difference with an inanimate object? If you choose to keep that in, you may want to say 1 reason why.

3) "I'm meticulous- It's a cliche, but, "do it once, and do it right," is my motto. Taking the extra time now to do things correctly pays dividends in the future. "

You don't need to tell them you think it's a cliche...that's pointing it out when they may not even think that.
Instead of "do it once, and do it right" is my motto...I'd change it to 'My motto is "do it once, and do it right.'" At least they know what the quote is about before they read it.


4)"Having read your ad for the Assistants position, I was compelled to submit myself for what seems like a wonderful challenge for me."

Write advertisement rather than "ad." I don't think compelled is the right word. Also, I don't like the way "submit myself" sounds; it seems awkward.


5) " As a result, I've learned to learn quick! "
Learned to learn...to many learns.


6)"This may be rather long for a cover letter,"

They'll decide that for themselves. You don't want to put it in their head.