Create Your Own Awkward Celebrity Public Apology!

"Tonight, after consuming too many Razzin' Raspberry Squeeze-its, I did many things which inspire feelings of shame and disgust within me. I let my feelings of rage take hold of me and caused me to create a cesspool of disgust and bigotism. I would like to personally apologize to the Icelandic community for the vicious and harmful words that spewed from within me hours ago.

Please know that I love all humans and that Icelando-Americans are not excluded from that list. The comments that I made tonight towards these lovely, lovely people are not indicative of who I am and where I believe I am going in this world.

The vicious liquid inside me seeped into my brain and caused me to spew that hatred. The Squeeze-its were what made me say those words. Because of this, I am immediately going to enter a grocery store, NOT to buy more Squeeze-its, but to buy matches so that I can burn the remaining supply of that venom that I possess.

The fact that Bjork has not made a new album since her last was also a factor. In tragic times such as these, where Bjork is unable to sing, we must be strong. I was not. I let the anger and frustrations of daily life seep into my brain...crystallizing itself into hatred.

I hereby extend my arms in love towards all Icelando-Americans so that they can help me upon my quest to become a better person. I know that many in the Icelandic community will not want me to even come near them and I understand that. But I hope that we can one day meet together and love.

This is real life. This is not fake death. This is what we live for...life. And we must do all we can to protect it."

I'd like Britney to apologize for inflicting the last 2 -3 years on us, but I'll settle for the hoo-ha one.

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It also was an insult to Spears aficianados. They seek an apology as well.

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Yes sir.

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By now you all know about my shameful, fish-and-chips-fueled rant against the people of the proud Irish nation. When I said that, and I quote, "those damn Micks should rot in hell with leprechauns poking them in the asses with tiny green pitchforks and burning their flesh with red-hot gold coins from those damned pots," I was under a lot of stress from my production company and assorted other personal issues. You've always got to wring that last couple million out of those bloody green-wearing bast--

Yet I digress. I would like to assure every single one of my fans that this was a minor public deviation and that I promise to never let my blatant racism, classicism, sexism, or other isms mar my public persona again. I will only share these beliefs with my friends and family in the safety of my home or, if necessary, mutter them under my breath.

What I did and said was unforgiveable, but, please, I ask you to forgive me. And do watch the made-for-television movie based on my experience which will be airing next week on WGN and learn from it, so that perhaps others will learn from my eggregiousness.

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My drunken rant calling Ann Coulter a "not particularly attractive, homeless transvestite" was offensive to Transvestites, the homeless and the not particularly attractive.

I regret it.

Updated On: 6/28/07 at 10:08 PM

I'd like Isaiah Washington to apologize for being everywhere and for no good reason. Oh and for flashing his hoo-ha.

I fall under Option D: All of the above.

Akiva

What are you voting for: "Most Homeless"?

I have already won that award in high school.

Akiva