Describe THE MOMENT When You Left Home For The First Time- Page 3

[DG]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 6:29pm

"I got to a place where I was unhealthy and felt like my head was spinning out of control."

I got to that place about 2 minutes outside my family's house I just WOULDN'T give in - and subsequently endured incarceration, a hospitalization from a nervous breakdown, and eventually lost a year of whatever life I had to a suicide attempt.

The only thing I'm sure of at this point is, whatever life force it is that drives me, it's one heck of a stubborn one - and not easily crushed. I'm actually enjoying the gradual unfolding of just letting it 'be'. It's a WHOLE lot easier!

[uncageg]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 8:33pm

Hi all. Well this is a humbling thread and some of the stories have hit home and one has hit a chord. I started reading this thread at my desk at work and when I got to DG's I decided to share my story also.

The moment I left home was when I moved in with my first lover and was moving the last of my things out of the house I grew up in. I was 19.

So the back story....just for age references, my mother had me when she was 41, both of my sisters were 20 and 21 years older than me. My oldest sister and her husband wanted to move to the burbs (I lived in a suburb just outside of Philly) to raise their family. Their 1st was on the way. My mother decided to have them move in with us. My father died when I was 2 years old in a car accident with another woman. So I really didn't know him. And we lived in a 4 bedroom home so we had room. My niece arrived and all was fine for a while. My brother-in-law started drinking he was a "functioning alcoholic" with a VERY bad temper. Over the course of about 7 years I endured, from him, my eye being blackened, being thrown down flights of stairs and thrown through the glass front door to our home. And constantly threatened and chastised. Called sissy, etc. Me, and the rest of the family were constantly threatened with bodily harm by him and the police were at our home constantly. This was all happening in a quiet middle class suburb. Everyone in the neighborhood knew what was going on. Outside of the house, my brother-in-law was the perfect neighbor. In his defense, he made sure that his children (They had 3) had everything they needed and he took care of the house. But during that time I watched him severely beat his kids and his wife, my sister. I would hide in my room, a lot. I will add that holidays were usually the best times though. It all seemed to subside especially at Christmas. But there were a few nasty ones. When I was about 17, he hit my mother. She fell into a window and split her head open. Still threatened by this man, I told him that I would kill him in his sleep if he touched my mother again. Fast forward to the last half of my senior year in high school (1979). My mother was diagnosed with mouth cancer. my dream was to move to New York and study with Lee Strasburg. That never happened. I stayed at home and got a job to be with my mother who was going through chemo. In August of 1980 on the day my mother was to go into the hospital again for Chemo and a tracheotomy, my sister and I stood in the hall waiting for my mother to walk around the house. As we were about to leave, my brother-in-law, who had increased the drinking, came up from the basement where he was usually found. my mother looked at him and said "You are not long for this world" and walked out. A few days later after her trach I went to see her. She was hopped up on drugs and thrashing about on her bed. I sat there with her for, oh I don't know how long. She wasn't very coherent and I finally grabbed her hand and just said "Mom, I love you". Se immediately became still and looked into my eyes. I can remember seeing tears welling up in hers. (Just to let you know. The words I love you did not come out of my mouth often if at all when I was a kid. And I rarely said it to my mother. But my mother was my rock. I worshipped the ground she walked on. And we were best of friends) Well, I left the hospital and by the time I got home, my phone in my room was ringing. And yes, it was the hospital. She had passed. I did not go in to say goodbye. I was the last family member to see her alive and I wanted to keep that moment after I told her I loved her as the moment to remember. Over the course of my mother's illness, I was dating a man that I fell in love with. he told me I could move in if my mother passed. I decided to move in. He lived in North Philadelphia in a neighborhood that terrified me. I was a suburban boy, not a streetwise guy. But I had to get away from the brother-in-law. On the day I moved the last of my things out, 2 days after my mother's funeral, I decided that I was old enough to tell him what I thoght. I went to the basement and pretty much threw everything at him. he said he was trying to be a father to me. I went off. I told him that I would never want a father like him and that my mother did just fine thank you. I also told him that if he ever hit my sister again, he could say goodbye to this earth. I put the last of my things in the car, pulled out of the driveway and broke down. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be leaving to study acting not leaving to get away. Fast forward to a year later. The Brother-in-law locked himself in his bedroom for a week. When the door was finally broken down he was found curled up on the bed completely jaundiced. He went into the hospital and asked my sister to call me to come visit. I only did it for my sister. he grabbed my hand and dug his nails into my skin so hard that I bled and he apologized. he cried like a child and asked me for forgiveness. I forgave him. it was August. he died within a week of the date my mother died a year before. As My sister and I were standing in the hall where we stood when my mother went to the hospital, when we were preparing to attend her funeral and at that point preparing to attend her husband's funeral, she turned to me and said "Mom called it". As sad as it was to see my sister lose her husband and the kids lose their father, it was a relief. For all of us. it was over. I still had to deal with him even when I was out of the house.

I have read things in some of your posts that ring true. "Making your own Christmas" struck me a lot. With everything that was going on in my house, Christmases were still magical. And I miss them. I often look back at the pictures. But I have moved on and have created my own good memories to look back on. Along with those of my childhood. My friends are amazed that I did not end up in therapy, but I credit my mother for that. The way she raised me and the things she taught me helped me to be the person I am today. And the last time I was in the house that I grew up in was about 5 years ago. My niece (The child that my sister was carrying when she moved in with us) lived in it with her family. It was not kept up and she eventually lost it. I drove past it right before she lost it but couldn't go in. Not sure if I can even drive by it now when I go back. Oh, and my mother lives here in Denver with me! She is right here on my desk...and forever in my heart.

Updated On: 1/10/08 at 08:33 PM

[Raviolisun]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 8:42pm

Well, when it comes, it will be the happiest day of my life.

[best12bars]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 8:44pm

Wow, uncageg, thanks for making me tear up at work.

What an incredible story. You survived a hell of a lot.

[DG]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 8:45pm

"I forgave him."

Quite a testament. Thank you.

As I said to you privately, I'm amazed at the pain that humans can endure - one need only look around the world briefly to see that. Life-force, wherever it comes from, is strong.

I think what we can do beyond endurance is make sure we don't contribute to insanity - and help those who need it.

For what it's worth, this thread has been good for me - a chance to put in writing some things that have not yet become concrete for me. Thanks to all for sharing.
Updated On: 1/10/08 at 08:45 PM

[lusciouslace]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 8:51pm

Wow, uncageg! Wow...

And DG, I'm so glad it's been good for you!

I certainly didn't think I was going to go there...but it helped!

[uncageg]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 8:54pm

best..you know, and this may sound weird, but I kinda filed it under a normal childhood. I looked back and realized there were kids going through worse than me. But a while ago I sat and looked back, and I realize that even with all that going on, I was strong enough to make my childhood "normal" and what I wanted. And I really don't think I would take any of it back. Even the bad times. Because they helped me in ways I never thought they would.

[best12bars]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 9:00pm

It's amazing to me just how much kids (and I mean YOU folks as children) can endure.

They accept and they abide.

Hey... there's a line at the end of "The Night of the Hunter" that is something very much like that. Forgive me... When all is said and done, I usually turn back into a "film freak."

[uncageg]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 9:22pm

I am sure we are all amazed at what we were able to endure when we were young.

jonny and luscious, I don't know how I would have handled either of your situations. Being a gay man myself, jonny, I don't know how I would have taken being put out of the house with him still there. But you handled it all in the end quite well.

[geaj]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 9:32pm

You people are amazing, and that is not a sarcastic remark. This has been one of the most interesting threads I've ever read on here. I wish only the best to you all from this day forward. Thanks for sharing!

[uncageg]

Posted: 1/11/08 at 9:41pm

Bump

And Happy Friday everyone!