Describe THE MOMENT When You Left Home For The First Time- Page 2

[Pippin]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 11:10am

Dg- do you still talk with your real family members, aside from your Stepfather?

What do they have to say about that day?

[DG]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 11:20am

Pippin - over the last few months I've been in the process of finally coming to terms with the past (with professional help, thank God.) My family has not made that choice, and we are actually not communicating at this point (except my younger brother, who is twelve years younger than me - he was too young to know what was going on.)

The fact is, he was also abusive with my mother and sister. In addition to his virulent hatred of anything homosexual, he really didn't like women. In fact, the first memory I can access is of him hitting my mother in the face.

All of our lives have had varying difficulties because of this foundation. Right now, my sister and I don't speak at all, but my mother and I maintain e-mail communication.

I know it's a total cliche', but my mother really had been my 'best friend', so this aspect of the journey forward has been rather devastating. I'm hoping for a day when they make choices for themselves that allows us to reconnect on some level. Right now, it's just not possible.

[Pippin]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 11:25am

I'm so sorry to hear that, DG, but I hope that with time and help, you will be able to come to some sort of reconciliation with them.

ANd I hope your Stepfather (even the term seems wrong in this situation) dies a very slow, agonizing death that involves a hot poker and his colon.

[WindyCityActor]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 11:29am

Flying to Chicago to go to grad school at DePaul. I had never been away from home for any extended period of time, and I had never flown in plane before. Excited and scared to death.

[Gothampc]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 11:47am

The first time I left knowing that I wasn't going back was when I went to college. The moment when my parents left was really difficult. I was sad because they got in the car and were headed back to the familiar and I was standing on a college campus not knowing a single person. But there was also the excitement of new adventures and being on my own.

For those of you who talk about running away from home when you were little, I always laugh at a friend of mine. When she was about 10, she got mad at her parents and told them she was leaving. So her father helped her pack a little suitcase, gave her $10 for the bus and told her goodbye. She said she sat on their front porch for about an hour (supposedly waiting for the bus to come) and then decided she wasn't ready to leave home.

Updated On: 1/10/08 at 11:47 AM

[lusciouslace]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 12:41pm

I had spent time away from home for various activities and lengths of time throughout my childhood, so I wasn't too phased by the idea of going to college a few hours away from where I grew up.

However, the actual process of moving was horrible, because during the summer in between high school and college some wack-job doctor thought it would be a great idea to tell my mom that she didn't need her depression meds anymore. Well, I think most people know that you don't just pull someone off their meds after they've been on them for many years. And she listened to him, so she tried it and was out of control the whole summer. We fought like crazy and it got to the point where I was afraid to come home and I left as early as possible just to not be around her. I remember one day sitting in front of my best friend's house really early in the morning just waiting until I thought they would get up and I could go in. Just sitting in my car and crying. It got to the point where I thought that I was going to have to cut all communication with my mom for a long long time.

When we drove down to school, my dad was in a truck and the seat was full with my stuff, so I couldn't ride with him and I knew riding with my mom would be terrible and it was. I asked her if she was even going to miss me and she said, "Why should I? Maybe now I can have a life of my own. Good riddance, kid." That broke my heart. We argued the entire time we moved my stuff in, but played nice in front of the other roommates and parents. Even after I'd been gone, on the phone one day I asked her if she missed me and she said no...so I hung up. That messed with my head for a while...that and the years of fighting like that when I was little.

Eventually, we worked through our problems, she got back on her meds and we were good again. Then, I took an internship in Florida and that was the first time I was moving out of the state, where I would know nobody. That was also the last time I'd see the house I grew up in, as my parents were selling it and moving while I'd be gone. That was kinda hard. Pretty emotional. Especially knowing that when I returned in seven months, all my ties to my hometown would be gone. (Most of my friends' parents were still there, but my friends were all at school, too.)

The final time that I've had to go through that was my most permanent change. When I moved to DC about a year and a half ago. I'd always known that I was going to move to another state, but it all happened pretty fast. I waited for months to hear back from a couple jobs and then I finally did and it interview one week and move two weeks later. My mom did pretty good with it (though it was harder because I had been living with her for a few months and we got super close during that). My dad drove me out there and did good the whole time, but had a real hard time leaving. The hardest part for me was that my parents divorced a few years ago and now I was leaving and they were each alone. That made me pretty sad.

My dad had a stroke in May and it made me pretty upset that I was so far away and couldn't just get home immediately and be with him.

I hardly get to go home for more than a day or two at a time, but I did over the holidays and it was great. Although, everybody is asking me if I'm ready to come home yet. No pressure or anything. And this last time, when I called him to let him know I got home safely, he started balling. I've only seen him cry once or twice before...ever. So to hear him cry so hard that he couldn't talk, because he's lonely and misses me...just breaks my heart. I don't want to move home just because of that, because I know I'd resent it. There are no opportunities there and I truly don't like the area, but I can't handle him being lonely like that either.

So that's been the hardest part. Generally, I'm not one to get too homesick or anything...

[best12bars]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 2:20pm

DG, lusciouslace and others----It's just as hard for me to wrap my head around non-supportive, non-loving parents. The longer I was away from "home," the more I grew to appreciate what I had growing up. ...which is part of my romanticizing of the past. It grew even more appealing after I moved. "'Cause you don't know what you got 'til it's gone," as Joni Mitchell says.

I would talk to others with similar stories of unhappy childhoods, and a non-supportive foundation, and it was a real eye-opener. When you're a kid, you think everyone "sees" things the way you do, and everyone shares a similar experience. They don't, obviously.

Regardless of whether or not childhood was a nurturing experience or alienating and troubling, most of us spend our entire lives looking for "home." A place we can get back to, or a new place we can find and be ourselves, happily and solidly.

And NOW you know why "The Wizard of Oz" is my favorite film of all time.

After a few years of living on my own (2 in NYC, and 2 or 3 in L.A.), my dad came for a visit over Christmas. I was a poor struggling writer/singer/actor at that point. It should have been a GREAT holiday for us, but it was terrible. A good friend of mine who owns a Malibu beach house right on the water was going to be in NYC for the month of December, so he basically gave us his place to stay in for Christmas. Me, my father, and my (ungrateful) brother. We fought like cats and dogs the whole time. It was depressing! We had this gorgeous place all around us, and we were miserable.

That's when I turned to my dad one early morning, as we were watching a school of dolphins swim by (I kid you not), and I said, "What happened to Christmas? We used to have such wonderful Christmases growing up! I miss all of that. And it's gone now, and everything is crap."

So, my dad in his infinite wisdom said, "You have to make your own Christmas, the way you want it now." He explained to me that he was raised Jewish, although non-practicing, and my mom was Episcopalian. So he said our own family had to "invent" a Christmas that worked for US. He told me to do the same now. "If you want a tree, put up a tree. If you want to sing carols, sing carols, etc. Make it what you want it to be, instead of waiting for it to drop down out of the sky."

His words hit "home" in ways I couldn't have imagined. Because at that point I was closeted, overweight, smoking and generally unhappy. But I realized what he was saying could apply to LIFE not just Christmas. I had the power to make things a certain way. I couldn't control other people or their actions... but I could change myself if I wanted to, and if I committed to it.

I could build my own "home" from scratch... bringing to it things from my past that I wanted, discarding the rest, and adding to it new things that made me happy.

It was the most freeing advice I've ever received, that miserable Christmas watching the dolphins go by. Not long after, I quit smoking, came out of the closet, and dropped a lot of weight. All within the following year. I began to "invent" my life and my HOME the way I wanted it to be.

So... This is the way you "fix" it. Make your own home. Fill it with the things you like and want, the memories and people you embrace, and start building your own foundation and "future memories" to look back on.

It took me a while to find "home" again, but I did.

[blueroses]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 2:53pm

best12, you're so great. I love reading everything you have to say.

[best12bars]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 3:03pm

Thanks, blue! Love you too!

[lusciouslace]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 3:21pm

best- Yeah...I've had so many people tell me that the things my mom would say to me when I was a little kid (we got along much better when I was a teenager, than when I was little) were evil. That makes me sad, but in a way they're right. It is kinda hard to wrap your head around. But just the way you said you assume everybody's life is like yours when you're little, I didn't realize how hurtful it really was. It wasn't until I was older that I started to get it. One memory that sticks with me...when I was auditioning for Harvey in high school. It was between me and another girl for the older, mother part (don't remember her name). The scene we read was a disagreement between the mother and her daughter. Well...I flew off the handle and was yelling and whatnot. When the scene was over, I looked at the director and he looked downright frightened. He was just like, "No...no...what?! She's a sweet old lady!" In my experience that's how moms and daughters fought. I was way off-base. It's kind of funny to remember, but sad at the same time.
I even had a therapist actually start crying when she heard some of my stories and saw that I was pretty much unemotional about them. She thought it was sad that I didn't realize how hurtful those things that were said were. At the time I thought she was nuts, freaked me out that she was crying (I still don't think it's very professional), but I see what she's saying. It's just that when you live in that environment, you can't afford to stop and process every hurt, because you won't be over one when the next one is coming at you. You have to put on an armor of sorts just to survive. That being said, I do want to say that my mom wasn't a terrible mom. She did a lot of things for me. Was my brownie troupe leader and made all my halloween costumes by hand and things like that. That's how she shows her support. It just turns out that I need more vocal support. And as a kid you don't realize that A) she's doing waaaaay better than her mom did, B) she's clinically depressed and needs medication and really doesn't realize what she's saying and C) I've always been treated like an adult, so she spoke to me like I was an adult...even if I was only 7 or 8. She didn't realize that I was really hearing every word she said and taking it for truth. If she told me I was worthless...she just said it out of frustration because she was depressed and stressed. But you don't get that as a kid...you just hear the worthless part. I've always thought of our relationship as very Jekel & Hyde. Sometimes it was awesome and sometimes it was horrific.

That being said, all that really caught up to me after that bad summer I mentioned before. Kinda made me nuts for a while. I went through therapy and whatnot...and we eventually hashed out all of our issues and reworked our relationship. Lots of crying and questions...but it's much better now. I got lucky that she was willing to really hear me and accept her responsibility in it. A lot of other people will never get that kind of closure. We are so close now and it's wonderful. But I will say that when she started sending cards and saying on the phone telling me that she was proud of me or with words of support...I didn't know what to do with it. It made me angry and felt so strange. That's pretty much better now. We still argue a bit, but not any more than normal moms and daughters and not very often. And it's much healthier arguing than before. Thank goodness.

I like how you said that you have to make your own home and make it what you want and need it to be and I'm totally coming to that realization now. I'm in a job that isn't me, that was more to impress others...make other people happy. I'm, right now, having some trouble believing in myself (sometims I regress into that damaged kid that I used to be). It'll get better, but some of that damage will never completely go away.

But anyway...that's the long way of saying I like what you're saying there. :) (If you can't tell I'm pretty long-winded!)
Updated On: 1/10/08 at 03:21 PM

[DG]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 3:30pm

I'm going to point to this thread when people say Cruel shouldn't start them. You just never know what might come of it.

[Pip]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 3:44pm

I’ve got to tell you guys, I’m sitting here humbled and choked up reading some of these. DG…my friend…I just want to hold you tight right now. There is often so much hidden pain that shapes the people we become and it’s so easy to judge others solely from our own limited perspectives. There is SO much more there. Thank you for sharing.

And Besty, you are just a brilliant writer. I was hanging on every word. Thank YOU for sharing, too!!

[Izzie2]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 3:47pm

I'm navy brat so my automatic response is "I have a home?"

[Rose_MacShane]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 4:03pm

DG, lusciouslace...I don't know what to say, or even if whatever I say will be of help. But whenever I hear about childhoods like yours, it breaks my heart. I just want to hug you both.

[DG]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 4:08pm

Thanks to those expressing concern - I won't lie and say it doesn't help in some small way.

But we all know they're just individual stories, and we all have them. There are things I've heard other people experience that I'm quite sure would have killed me. And that's just within the realm of lives somewhat similar in circumstance to mine. I can't even begin to comprehend what some children go through around the world. Truly, I can't comprehend.

I only added my voice here to provide grist for the mill, and have been pleased and gratified to read the stories and discussion that's taking place.

Most impacting to me are the people who have PM'd and related similar circumstances occurring as we speak. THAT'S what really breaks my heart - that there are people and places still where this type of thing still exists.

But I and they will just carry on, rose-tinted glasses firmly in place (except, of course, for when they slip.)

[Jonny boy]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 4:17pm

My first time I " Left Home" was a pretty Messed up situation. So....I grew up as the babby in a Mormon family of 9. When I was 17 years old I started dating this Navy boy, Matt. At the time I was still living at home with my parents. My parents were never too hard on me about the whole gay thing and actually let Matt, my boyfriend at the time, move in to our house.
Well .... fastforward about 6 months..... Matt had become very close with my family while he lived with us. A little too close!!!!
He sat me down one day and broke up with me by telling me that he was going to convert to Mormonism!!!!!I obviously was pissed and wanted him out of the house, but because of his relationship with my family he ended up staying.

At that point in my life I was heavily using drugs and partying a whole lot.At a point early in the ralationship Matt had been participating in the drugs and partying I was doing.
Well.... I come to find out that since he had "converted" to Mormonism he had been telling my family (brothers,sisters,parents) everything that I had done as far as the Drugs and crazy lifestyle I was living. Not saying that my state of mind was great at that point, but he had no right to use it against me to make me look bad in front of my family.
Anyhow..... my parents kicked me out of the house at that point and Matt got to stay and take my room!!!!It was like he was trying to take my place in the family... and that was thefirst time I " left home"

Fastforward again about a year........

Matt is going on a Mission for the church. My family helped support him financially to go be a missionary.( Barf) I about died!!! Anyways... he goes on the mission .. comes back and goes to BYU Idaho( still tight with my family at this point)

Fastforward 6 months.... I get a phonecall from Matt! As mad at him as I was for what he had done with the realationship between me and my family, I was interested in finding out what was going on in his world. He starts by apologizing to me and then continues to tell me that he was " gay again" and wanted to be friends again. Well at that point he had already burnt the bridge. A few days latter I get a call from Matts cell number. It was his Lawyer calling me to let me know that Matt had been arrested and was in prison for having sex with a 14 year old!!!!!He got sentanced to 2-12 years!!!!!!!!Haha!!! Carma had bitten him in the ass for what he had put me through=-) At this point I feel kinda bad for the guy because of how bad he has messed up his life. I dont and will never speak to him again though...
I have moved on and my realtionship with my family is very strong now. Its just funny to me how things happen in life=-)He is now in jail and my life is great!

[DG]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 4:40pm

Wow, Johnny Boy, that's quite a tale.

When I was at the Grand Canyon, we had many young Mormon men show up who had literally left Utah in the middle of the night to escape their completely unaccepting (and sometimes dangerous) families. And almost to a man (boy?) they became 'wild' children rather quickly.

[Jonny boy]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 5:19pm

Ya.... that tends to happen from what I have seen with others that leave the church! They ( we ) always seem to go a little crazy when we first go inactive from the Church.

[DG]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 5:44pm

Age-old story, Johnny-boy - the 'preacher's daughter' syndrome. FOOTLOOSE showed that story pretty well

[Pippin]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 5:45pm

Her daddy hated those red boots!

[lusciouslace]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 5:46pm

Hi Guys,

Thank you for the kind words. I really do appreciate that one kind find that kind of support here, especially when you read all the arguing and harsh words that sometimes happens on these boards. That can make it somewhat intimidating to post. But I'm glad I did and I'm glad that you all were willing to listen. It was kind of cathartic. :)

But I do have to say, while I'm still dealing with some of the results of the issues I had when I was a kid, those things generally don't overshadow the memory of my childhood. It's kind of just a part of life...you deal with it, realize it makes you stronger and you keep going. It also helps me to be empathetic to others. I do think that overall my parents were both great. My mom did do so much for me. It helps me now, as an adult, to see where her head was and to understand. It helps me heal more. And while I was afraid of her to the extent of who knows what will make her blow up and say horrible things, I wasn't ever really afraid that she'd be physical with me. And that's where I have to say that I feel so fortunate that I haven't had to deal with the horrible things that DG and some of the others have. I truly feel for them and think it's amazing that they've been able to move on and be successful and productive adults. I commend them for that! And for those who haven't had the chance to heal yet, I pray for you that you can. I think life is very much about how you handle what you've been dealt. We all have hardships, but it's how we deal with them that makes us who we are and determines what we really get out of life. For me it's so important not to allow myself to be a victim all the time. Sometimes, you have to be in that moment to be able to heal from it, but sometimes you have to put it in the back of your mind and move forward.

So anyway...thank you everybody for the support and hugs!

[SonofMammaMiaSam]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 5:52pm

I went to college with Franklin Graham -- now CEO of the Billy Graham empire. I could tell you stories about that boy that would make your hair curl.

[best12bars]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 6:05pm

I just want you to know that I'm humbled by the stories and posts in this thread. And I agree, Cruel can sure get us talking!

So many of you have been through terrific hardships.

I realize I was fortunate enough to have been given solid support and encouragement before I had my "home" ripped away so abruptly. Even though I lost my way for several years, I had the strength of past experiences and a solid relationship with my parents to help guide me.

I'm so impressed with those of you who found your way "home" without that kind of support and confidence. lusciouslace, in particular, your ability to recognize and come to terms with a troubled past is pretty heroic, astounding and very inspirational to me.

And to DG and so many others here, you're on your way already. Reconcile your past "home." Don't hide it, ignore it, or glamorize it. Understand it for what it was, good and bad. Learn from it, good and bad.

And find your way "home" again.

[DG]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 6:09pm

"able to move on and be successful and productive adults."

Still VERY much a 'work in progress' here

For me, it hasn't been about claiming victimhood or assigning blame, it's been about recognizing where certain patterns were established, and then removing the blockades to be able to move forward. Unfortunately, for me, those patterns were set at a very young age by outside forces, and I've never allowed myself the chance to recover. By the time I was four, I had learned that the only way to be safe and survive was to hide. I was like a domestic animal thrown away into the jungle.

Having come to terms with that fact, and finally allowed someone to help me tap that which I had hidden out of fear. I'm faced with being a 45 year-old who has never learned emotional maturity. I feel like Tarzan, and it's immeasurably difficult to not heed the call of that which had always kept me safe.

But I realize now I was never safe - I was just buying time. And I ran out of credit. The harm I experienced was due to an inappropriate relationship, and it could only find a way to heal when I could trust someone enough to find out that the problem did not come inherrently within me.

I am approaching seven years of a relationship with a man who has made that available, and I am only now getting to the point where I can try to 'come out'. Even now, if he reaches to hug me, I flinch. I just have gotten tired of not being able to truly experience the miracle of my own life - and I refuse to miss the opportunity to share in the love I've been blessed with.

As for my step-father, he made the choices he did for his own reasons. Having gotten to know the history of his own childhood, I count myself lucky. His family's history is something for psychiatric textbooks. But I don't 'blame' him, and I won't claim victimhood by him. It happened, I took a long detour in life because of it, but I am now learning that I can have a measure of reality for the rest of it.

[lusciouslace]

Posted: 1/10/08 at 6:17pm

DG- I still think it's amazing what you've been through and that you are trying to heal. It takes us all our own time. I'm lucky that I was able to start earlier rather than later...but I kind of was forced, too. I got to a place where I was unhealthy and felt like my head was spinning out of control. I was lucky that I had free help on campus. This could have gone on for much longer and in some ways it still does. (Feeling worthy of the hard work it takes to lose weight or really pursuing goals that seem "out there"). I'm lucky that I'm 26 and I've able to get control of some of this.

But I think it's great that you are healing and are in a healthy relationship and you don't let your stepfather's behavior make you any more of a victim than you just naturally are (there is a certain amount that you can't get away from).

Keep at it and keep strong. Therapy is amazing and I think everybody should have to go to it! I hope you get to a really good place someday (sooner than later).