Family guy Quotes

Ok their was a simpons one of these, i thought family guy should have it's due chance.


I'll start

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Brian-Peter if your gonna pull a party out of your ass, you better stand up.
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Peter-come on we want to do a good show, not like rent.

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Audence member------ booo this is worce then susical.

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Stewie: Careful! You're washing a baby's scalp, not scrubbing the vomit out of a Christmas dress, you stupid holiday drunk.

Brian: Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.
[everyone gasps]
Brian: What? Too soon?

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A couple of my favorites...

Stewie (pointing a laser at Lois): Aha, mother. So we meet again!
Lois: Stewie, I thought I tucked you in bed.
Stewie: Not tightly enough, you see.

Lois: Oh, no! Peter, what have I done? I brought violence into this house. I'm the worst mother in the world!
(Stewie rips open his shirt to reveal a tape recorder, taped to his chest)
Stewie: Aha! I've got it all on tape.
(Stewie sets the recorder on the tape and presses 'Play')
Stewie (on tape): Um... yes, this is me interviewing Ed Sullivan. So, what's new, Ed? (imitating Ed Sullivan) Well, Stewie, tonight we have a really big show... (Back to Stewie) Uh-huh, and now a word from our sponsors... "It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides! Whoops! Butterfingers."
(Stewie quickly presses 'Stop' and looks embarassed)
Stewie: Um... I was making radio shows for fun... Everybody does it... At least, everyone that I kno- SHUT UP!!! (Stewie runs away)

Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

Stewie: There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore.

The Cat in the Hat: You know, you're parents will be here any mintue. Are you sure you don't want me to clean up?
10 Year-Old Peter: No, no. Go. It'll be funny.

Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!

Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you wanted a good musical. If you wanted a bad one we should have just done Rent.

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Stewie: You're the worst thing to happen to musical theatre since Andrew Lloyd Webber.

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Ronald McDonald: You're a McDonald, not a whore.

more to come later...

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(sigh) I love this show.

(Stewie goes into Lois's room, and applies some of her lipstick. He looks at himself in the mirror)
Stewie: Ah, yes. You're a bad boy... You want it rough, and that gets you off, doesn't it?
(Brian is revealed behind Stewie)
Brian: The evidence is piling up...
Stewie: Say what you want, you KNOW I look good!

ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dad..last time we left you turned the house into a giant puppet....

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Peter: (with his theme music) Ridin' on the bus, ridin' on the bus, sittin' next to bums. There's an open seat, hope that isn't pee...

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Brian: I'm Brian, I used to live here.
Farmer: I'm sorry,we've raised lots of dogs. Which one were you?
Brian: I'm the one who could talk.

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I started thinking of my favorite Family Guy quotes, and the first ones I thought of off the top of my head kind of had a theme.

Brian: Look over there! A newly-married interracial gay couple burning the American flag!

Stewie: Sometimes, I wonder if all women are like Lois. And then I think "Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

Peter: Is your refrigerator running? 'Cause, if it is, it's probably running like you. Very homosexually.

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PETER: Well what am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with em? Cause that's what soap is for, Lois.
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STEWIE: Ugh, all this time spent keeping people from having sex. Now I know what the Catholic church feels like. BA-ZING!
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MOB BOSS: No one can stand Paulie. But you, Mr. Grifin, will take him to the movies.
PETER: That's it? That's all I have to do? Ahhhh, thank G...wait a second which movie? Cause if it's anything with Greg Kinnear you can just wack me off right now.

"Oh Bloody hell I gone and wet meself!"

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Peter: I want the father-son relationship that the Gumbles have.

Lois: The Gumbles are brothers.

Peter: Oh... so just because they're black we cant learn anything from them?

Peter: Look at this, Lois, see right here [points in book], I was voted most likely to succeed!
Lois: Peter, that's not you. That's not even a yearbook, it's a People magazine.
Peter: Oh, I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name.

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Lois: Peter, why would they make you presidesnt?
Peter: Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second - RARF!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.

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Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."

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Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

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Lois: Come on Stewie, you know you can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables.
Stewie: Well, then I shall sit here until one of us expires, and you've got a good forty years on me, woman.
Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane ...
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers.

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Lois: What's going on down here?
Stewie: Oh, we're playing house.
Lois: That boy's all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house

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Meg: Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie: Hm, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

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Stewie: Ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer. You'd need an egg calender. Ah ha ha ha. Oh, that's right. I went there.

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Stewie: Augh! What the hell do you think you're doing?
Brian: I'm cleaning myself.
Stewie: You were clean fifteen minutes ago, now you're just on vacation.

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Stewie: What are the stakes of this wager?
Brian: Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Excellent, and if I win?
Brian: I wasn't betting: why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: (pause) You're on.

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Mrs. Pewterschmidt: Would you like a piece of candy?
Stewie: I smell death on you.

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Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois: Peter, three wishes. Oh this is so exciting.
Meg: I want a new hat.
Chris: I want a new hat.
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!

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Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm alergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

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Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.

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Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out.

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