Family guy Quotes

[harris007]

Posted: 3/13/05 at 6:47pm

Ok their was a simpons one of these, i thought family guy should have it's due chance.


I'll start

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Brian-Peter if your gonna pull a party out of your ass, you better stand up.
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Peter-come on we want to do a good show, not like rent.

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Audence member------ booo this is worce then susical.

[scotty]

Posted: 3/14/05 at 2:39am

Ok...I'll bite

Peter - I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaians might move in.

Brian - Gosh, I'd like to help you, Peter, but I've got to go out in the hall and chew on the back of my ass for about five minutes.

Updated On: 3/14/05 at 02:39 AM

[mirandajrs]

Posted: 3/14/05 at 3:07am

Stewie: Careful! You're washing a baby's scalp, not scrubbing the vomit out of a Christmas dress, you stupid holiday drunk.

Brian: Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs.
[everyone gasps]
Brian: What? Too soon?

[Jon]

Posted: 3/14/05 at 7:15am

Stewie to his kid's performing arts camp song-and-dance partner, after she tells him she's going solo:

"Fine -I'm better off without you, Bebe No-worth!"

[broadway86]

Posted: 3/14/05 at 8:55am

A couple of my favorites...

Stewie (pointing a laser at Lois): Aha, mother. So we meet again!
Lois: Stewie, I thought I tucked you in bed.
Stewie: Not tightly enough, you see.

Lois: Oh, no! Peter, what have I done? I brought violence into this house. I'm the worst mother in the world!
(Stewie rips open his shirt to reveal a tape recorder, taped to his chest)
Stewie: Aha! I've got it all on tape.
(Stewie sets the recorder on the tape and presses 'Play')
Stewie (on tape): Um... yes, this is me interviewing Ed Sullivan. So, what's new, Ed? (imitating Ed Sullivan) Well, Stewie, tonight we have a really big show... (Back to Stewie) Uh-huh, and now a word from our sponsors... "It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides! Whoops! Butterfingers."
(Stewie quickly presses 'Stop' and looks embarassed)
Stewie: Um... I was making radio shows for fun... Everybody does it... At least, everyone that I kno- SHUT UP!!! (Stewie runs away)

Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.

Stewie: There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore.

The Cat in the Hat: You know, you're parents will be here any mintue. Are you sure you don't want me to clean up?
10 Year-Old Peter: No, no. Go. It'll be funny.

Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye. (laughter)
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!

[broadway86]

Posted: 3/14/05 at 1:00pm

Has no one else seen this show?

Stewie: Oh, yes. Everything's all set, just like the time bomb I planted in your uterus. Happy 50th Birthday, Lois...

[buddhaismymom]

Posted: 3/14/05 at 1:29pm

Peter: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you wanted a good musical. If you wanted a bad one we should have just done Rent.

****

Stewie: You're the worst thing to happen to musical theatre since Andrew Lloyd Webber.

***

Ronald McDonald: You're a McDonald, not a whore.

more to come later...

[scotty]

Posted: 3/14/05 at 1:43pm

86 -

I have become a late bloomer to FG. I have now seen the way...

Chris - Hey, birthday dude! You want some ice cream?
Stewie - Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

Stewie - Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
Lois - Meg, can you change Stewie?
Meg - Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.

Stewie - [Brian is reading the newspaper] Look where my hand is. I say, look where my hand is. It's in a very naughty place.
Stewie Griffin - [Brian puts the paper down, Stewie's finger is in his nose] Does this not disgust you?
Brian Griffin - Kid, you're talking a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.
Updated On: 3/14/05 at 01:43 PM

[broadway86]

Posted: 3/14/05 at 1:52pm

(sigh) I love this show.

(Stewie goes into Lois's room, and applies some of her lipstick. He looks at himself in the mirror)
Stewie: Ah, yes. You're a bad boy... You want it rough, and that gets you off, doesn't it?
(Brian is revealed behind Stewie)
Brian: The evidence is piling up...
Stewie: Say what you want, you KNOW I look good!

[JadedBenevolence]

Posted: 3/14/05 at 6:00pm

I LOVE this show!

Eliza: Ew! Your breath smells like kitty litter.

Stewie: I was curious.

Updated On: 3/15/05 at 06:00 PM

[CatieElphie1]

Posted: 3/14/05 at 6:03pm

ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dad..last time we left you turned the house into a giant puppet....

[harris007]

Posted: 3/14/05 at 6:11pm

LOL nice ones guys


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peter-It's a pleasure to see you again, after hogans heros, bob crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who taped him haveing rough sex.

[JadedBenevolence]

Posted: 3/15/05 at 2:09am

Peter: (with his theme music) Ridin' on the bus, ridin' on the bus, sittin' next to bums. There's an open seat, hope that isn't pee...

[~FloweryFriend~]

Posted: 3/15/05 at 3:37am

Dear Stupid Dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie. P.S.- I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the 30-day return limit, but I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. It's actually not a horrible sweater, it's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it, you know? Oh and I also left a button on the bureau, um I'm not sure what it goes to but um I, I can never bring myself to throw a button away, I know as soon as I do, I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll, wait a minute actually could it have been from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm. Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again good-bye forever. PPS- You know what, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.

[buddhaismymom]

Posted: 3/15/05 at 12:40pm

Brian: I'm Brian, I used to live here.
Farmer: I'm sorry,we've raised lots of dogs. Which one were you?
Brian: I'm the one who could talk.

[ikmbway]

Posted: 3/15/05 at 4:31pm

i dont remember the whole thing but its when peter is having i think trouble at work and wants to invent something and chris suggests a frisbee or sumthin nd some rele funny stuff comes next

then i also like when peter orders a quesidilla at the mexican place at the drive thru and of course says quesadillah yeah its corny but its kewl

[orangeskittles]

Posted: 3/15/05 at 5:55pm

I started thinking of my favorite Family Guy quotes, and the first ones I thought of off the top of my head kind of had a theme.

Brian: Look over there! A newly-married interracial gay couple burning the American flag!

Stewie: Sometimes, I wonder if all women are like Lois. And then I think "Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

Peter: Is your refrigerator running? 'Cause, if it is, it's probably running like you. Very homosexually.

[chinkie azn jai]

Posted: 3/15/05 at 6:08pm

Any line that comes out of Stewie.

[Beanmatt]

Posted: 3/15/05 at 9:04pm

PETER: Well what am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with em? Cause that's what soap is for, Lois.
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STEWIE: Ugh, all this time spent keeping people from having sex. Now I know what the Catholic church feels like. BA-ZING!
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MOB BOSS: No one can stand Paulie. But you, Mr. Grifin, will take him to the movies.
PETER: That's it? That's all I have to do? Ahhhh, thank G...wait a second which movie? Cause if it's anything with Greg Kinnear you can just wack me off right now.

[Allie]

Posted: 3/15/05 at 9:10pm

Stewie's broccoli scene! I love it: "So broccoli, Mother says you are very good for me. Well, I'm afraid I am no good for you!"

[billygoatgirl300]

Posted: 3/15/05 at 9:46pm

"Oh Bloody hell I gone and wet meself!"

[JadedBenevolence]

Posted: 3/16/05 at 2:11am

Stewie: And I like the singer who looks like a whore.

Brian: Ricky Martin?

Stewie: Love him!

[scotty]

Posted: 3/16/05 at 8:20am

Peter: I want the father-son relationship that the Gumbles have.

Lois: The Gumbles are brothers.

Peter: Oh... so just because they're black we cant learn anything from them?

[broadway86]

Posted: 3/16/05 at 8:45am

Damn you, vile woman. You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

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Meg: Mom and dad, you guys better not pull this stuff at my sleepover.
Lois: Meg, don't worry. You and your friends are going to great time.
Stewie: Ah, yes. How delightful it will be... a pubescent hurd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music... and jellybeans... and stickers.

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Lois: A woman is not an object.
Peter: Your mother is right, son. Listen to what it says.
Lois: Peter!

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Ugly Girl: Hi.
Meg: Who are you?
Ugly Girl: I'm the ugly girl sent to stand next to you to make you more desirable.

[LaeloftheLakes]

Posted: 3/16/05 at 9:20am

Peter: Look at this, Lois, see right here [points in book], I was voted most likely to succeed!
Lois: Peter, that's not you. That's not even a yearbook, it's a People magazine.
Peter: Oh, I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name.

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Lois: Peter, why would they make you presidesnt?
Peter: Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second - RARF!
Lois: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.

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Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."

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Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

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Lois: Come on Stewie, you know you can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables.
Stewie: Well, then I shall sit here until one of us expires, and you've got a good forty years on me, woman.
Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane ...
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers.

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Lois: What's going on down here?
Stewie: Oh, we're playing house.
Lois: That boy's all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house

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Meg: Everybody! Guess what I am?
Stewie: Hm, the end result of a drunken back-seat grope-fest and a broken prophylactic?

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Stewie: Ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer. You'd need an egg calender. Ah ha ha ha. Oh, that's right. I went there.

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Stewie: Augh! What the hell do you think you're doing?
Brian: I'm cleaning myself.
Stewie: You were clean fifteen minutes ago, now you're just on vacation.

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Stewie: What are the stakes of this wager?
Brian: Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: Excellent, and if I win?
Brian: I wasn't betting: why don't you just shut up for about a week?
Stewie: (pause) You're on.

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Mrs. Pewterschmidt: Would you like a piece of candy?
Stewie: I smell death on you.

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Genie: I am here to grant you three wishes.
Lois: Peter, three wishes. Oh this is so exciting.
Meg: I want a new hat.
Chris: I want a new hat.
Stewie: I want them to have new hats!

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Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm alergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

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Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.

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Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.
Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?
Peter: I drift in and out.