Family guy Quotes — Page 2
#27
Posted: 3/16/05 at 9:30am
YAY!
*squiggles*
*squiggles*
"I am special, I am special! Please, God, please, don't let me be normal!" ---Louisa, The Fantasticks
--- ---
Intolerant of intolerance.
#28
Posted: 3/16/05 at 9:44am
Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!
-------------------------------------
Peter: Have they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feeding on him?
Brian: You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance.
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: No, they've never done that.
-----------------------------------------------
Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a RANT here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antetum. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskalnakov filibuster dioxymonohydrostinate.
Peter: What the hell does RANT mean?
-------------------------------------------------
Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
[Pause]
Quagmire: Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.
-----------------------------------------------
Peter: Lois, you've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.
-------------------------------------------------
Chris: Dad, what would you say if I told I didn't want to be in the Scouts?
Peter: I'd say, 'Come again?' and I'd laugh as I said, 'Come.'
-----------------------------------------------
Lois: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian: What the hell are you talking about?
-----------------------------------------------
Peter: Make like Siamese twins and split ... and then one of you die.
-------------------------------------------------
Peter: I don't say this often enough, but, uh, I'm gonna die.
Lois: Oh my God.
Stewie: High five! Anyone? Anyone?
---------------------------------------------
Black Knight: You see kids your father is nothing but a fizzle!
Peter: Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Well, actually, that guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today ... only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it.
---------------------------------------------
Lois: A flight attendant? Wow, that does sound exciting. What made you change your mind?
Peter: Just my desire to see you happy.
Lois: Aww .... (hugs peter)
Peter: And to exploit your hard labour for free travel and fun.
Lois: What?
Peter: Shhh ... I didn't say anything. Go to sleep crazy lady.
-----------------------------------------
Brian: Peter, are you sure, you've never had much luck telling jokes.
[Flash back to Peter in a net surrounded by apes with guns]
Peter: Okay, Okay. How many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw faeces at each other. Hehehehehehe.
[Apes****shotguns]
----------------------------------------------
Head Scout: You've got three days to earn a badge.
Peter: Three days! That's tomorrow! We gotta get going.
-----------------------------------------------
Peter: Well, we promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly, but I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt.
----------------------------------------------
Stewie: You know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence ... gotta get me some of that.
-----------------------------------------------
Stewie: For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!
----------------------------------------------
Meg: Can I be in the play, Mom?
Stewie: Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.
--------------------------------------------
Stewie: HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh... excluding that first Ha.
---------------------------------------------
I need to stop now.
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!
-------------------------------------
Peter: Have they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feeding on him?
Brian: You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance.
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: No, they've never done that.
-----------------------------------------------
Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a RANT here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antetum. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskalnakov filibuster dioxymonohydrostinate.
Peter: What the hell does RANT mean?
-------------------------------------------------
Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
[Pause]
Quagmire: Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.
-----------------------------------------------
Peter: Lois, you've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.
-------------------------------------------------
Chris: Dad, what would you say if I told I didn't want to be in the Scouts?
Peter: I'd say, 'Come again?' and I'd laugh as I said, 'Come.'
-----------------------------------------------
Lois: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian: What the hell are you talking about?
-----------------------------------------------
Peter: Make like Siamese twins and split ... and then one of you die.
-------------------------------------------------
Peter: I don't say this often enough, but, uh, I'm gonna die.
Lois: Oh my God.
Stewie: High five! Anyone? Anyone?
---------------------------------------------
Black Knight: You see kids your father is nothing but a fizzle!
Peter: Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Well, actually, that guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today ... only half the people who ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it.
---------------------------------------------
Lois: A flight attendant? Wow, that does sound exciting. What made you change your mind?
Peter: Just my desire to see you happy.
Lois: Aww .... (hugs peter)
Peter: And to exploit your hard labour for free travel and fun.
Lois: What?
Peter: Shhh ... I didn't say anything. Go to sleep crazy lady.
-----------------------------------------
Brian: Peter, are you sure, you've never had much luck telling jokes.
[Flash back to Peter in a net surrounded by apes with guns]
Peter: Okay, Okay. How many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw faeces at each other. Hehehehehehe.
[Apes****shotguns]
----------------------------------------------
Head Scout: You've got three days to earn a badge.
Peter: Three days! That's tomorrow! We gotta get going.
-----------------------------------------------
Peter: Well, we promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly, but I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt.
----------------------------------------------
Stewie: You know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence ... gotta get me some of that.
-----------------------------------------------
Stewie: For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!
----------------------------------------------
Meg: Can I be in the play, Mom?
Stewie: Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.
--------------------------------------------
Stewie: HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh... excluding that first Ha.
---------------------------------------------
I need to stop now.
"I am special, I am special! Please, God, please, don't let me be normal!" ---Louisa, The Fantasticks
--- ---
Intolerant of intolerance.
#29
Posted: 3/16/05 at 9:59am
No! Don't stop.
My favourite so far is:
Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
[Pause]
Quagmire: Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.
My favourite so far is:
Peter: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Quagmire: [Laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
[Pause]
Quagmire: Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.
#30
Posted: 3/16/05 at 10:24am
[Chris jumps on Peter's lap]
Chris: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and...
[kisses Peter]
Peter: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.
------------------------------------------------
Chris: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
-----------------------------------------------
Chris: Dad, you should invent the frisbee, that's an awesome toy.
Meg: Chris, the frisbee is already invented.
Chris: Then how come I never heard of it?
----------------------------------------------
(Peter and Brain are in jail)
Brian: Uh, how was your shower?
Peter: Oh, I tell ya Brian, all the rumors about dropping the soap are true.
Brian: Really?
Peter: Oh yeah, you can't hold onto that thing to save your life. Oh, it was slipping all
over the place. Guys were laughing.
-----------------------------------------------
Peter: I'll give you $40 for that coffin.
Store Owner: Sir, this casket is $1,000.
Peter: I'll give you $2,000.
Store Owner: Sir, that's double what it costs.
Peter: $60.
Brian: [to the store owner] He doesn't know how to haggle.
---------------------------------------------
Peter: If I was half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris's favorite ice cream is ...
Brian: Chocolate chip.
Peter: And Stewie's favorite bed-time story is ...
Brian: Goodnight Moon.
Peter: And Meg's real father's name is ...
Brian: Stan Thompson.
------------------------------------------------
Cop Radio: We have a gang shooting on 3rd and Main. Three wounded, one dead.
Brian: Is it just me or is rap getting lazier?
--------------------------------------------------
Lois: Oh, look, Meg, it's your little baby booties. Oh, and your little bronze hat. And your tail.
Meg: My what?
Lois: Nothing.
----------------------------------------------------
Meg: Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.
Peter: Meg ... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell cant drive?
----------------------------------------------------
Meg: I finally get my driver's license and the car gets taken away, how ironic.
Peter: Meg, don't talk to your mother that way, she is not an iron.
-------------------------------------------------------
Peter: Let's play a game called Takin' the fall for Daddy If you win, I'll buy you a convertible when you get your license.
Meg: Really? Oh Daddy, now I love you again.
Peter: Oh, you're gonna make some Jewish Guy a great Wife.
-----------------------------------------------------
Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankels behind your ears that would ring a few bells.
---------------------------------------------------------
Stewie: What's this? Blueberries! Oh, oh my G ... oh, that's better than sex!
----------------------------------------------------
Stewie: What the hell is this?
Lois: Sweetie, that's tuna salad.
Stewie: Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.
-----------------------------------------------------
Stewie: You know, mother, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding, but without Nilla wafers it's just another one of your wretched culinary abortions. Now clean it up!
-----------------------------------------------------
Lois: Peter, you're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love?"
-------------------------------------------------------
Peter: Your aunt Marguerite is probably laughing at me while she's burning in hell, may she rest in peace.
-------------------------------------------------------
[looking around at a posh rehab clinic]
Peter: This is the kind of place God would go to if He had to stop doing blow.
----------------------------------------------------------
Lois: Now kids, your father's just trying to spend time with his family. Or kill us. I'm not sure which.
---------------------------------------------------------
Peter: First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the States to get treatment for her severely burned face which she got when the man she refused to marry dumped sulphuric acid on her wins. I win!
------------------------------------------------------
Peter: Lois, less talkie more fetchie.
Lois: I'm just gonna assume that's Chinese for 'I love you.'
-------------------------------------------------------
Lois: I am not a crazy broad!
Peter: Oh, no, no, Lois, he didn't mean you're crazy like Elizabeth Taylor. He meant you're crazy, like that glue. You stick to things, y'know, like an adhesive. That's all he meant.
--------------------------------------------------------
Peter: Wow, it's like I've died and went to heaven. But then they realized it wasn't my time yet. So they sent me to a brewery.
-------------------------------------------------------
Brian: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
----------------------------------------------------
Lois: I just wish my opinion mattered to you.
Peter: Well, the important thing is, it matters to you, and that's the greatest gift of all.
------------------------------------------------------
Peter: My dad worked at that factory for sixty years. That's almost eighty years.
------------------------------------------------------
Peter: Lois, When I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.
------------------------------------------------
Chris: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and...
[kisses Peter]
Peter: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.
------------------------------------------------
Chris: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Peter: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
-----------------------------------------------
Chris: Dad, you should invent the frisbee, that's an awesome toy.
Meg: Chris, the frisbee is already invented.
Chris: Then how come I never heard of it?
----------------------------------------------
(Peter and Brain are in jail)
Brian: Uh, how was your shower?
Peter: Oh, I tell ya Brian, all the rumors about dropping the soap are true.
Brian: Really?
Peter: Oh yeah, you can't hold onto that thing to save your life. Oh, it was slipping all
over the place. Guys were laughing.
-----------------------------------------------
Peter: I'll give you $40 for that coffin.
Store Owner: Sir, this casket is $1,000.
Peter: I'll give you $2,000.
Store Owner: Sir, that's double what it costs.
Peter: $60.
Brian: [to the store owner] He doesn't know how to haggle.
---------------------------------------------
Peter: If I was half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris's favorite ice cream is ...
Brian: Chocolate chip.
Peter: And Stewie's favorite bed-time story is ...
Brian: Goodnight Moon.
Peter: And Meg's real father's name is ...
Brian: Stan Thompson.
------------------------------------------------
Cop Radio: We have a gang shooting on 3rd and Main. Three wounded, one dead.
Brian: Is it just me or is rap getting lazier?
--------------------------------------------------
Lois: Oh, look, Meg, it's your little baby booties. Oh, and your little bronze hat. And your tail.
Meg: My what?
Lois: Nothing.
----------------------------------------------------
Meg: Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.
Peter: Meg ... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell cant drive?
----------------------------------------------------
Meg: I finally get my driver's license and the car gets taken away, how ironic.
Peter: Meg, don't talk to your mother that way, she is not an iron.
-------------------------------------------------------
Peter: Let's play a game called Takin' the fall for Daddy If you win, I'll buy you a convertible when you get your license.
Meg: Really? Oh Daddy, now I love you again.
Peter: Oh, you're gonna make some Jewish Guy a great Wife.
-----------------------------------------------------
Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankels behind your ears that would ring a few bells.
---------------------------------------------------------
Stewie: What's this? Blueberries! Oh, oh my G ... oh, that's better than sex!
----------------------------------------------------
Stewie: What the hell is this?
Lois: Sweetie, that's tuna salad.
Stewie: Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.
-----------------------------------------------------
Stewie: You know, mother, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding, but without Nilla wafers it's just another one of your wretched culinary abortions. Now clean it up!
-----------------------------------------------------
Lois: Peter, you're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love?"
-------------------------------------------------------
Peter: Your aunt Marguerite is probably laughing at me while she's burning in hell, may she rest in peace.
-------------------------------------------------------
[looking around at a posh rehab clinic]
Peter: This is the kind of place God would go to if He had to stop doing blow.
----------------------------------------------------------
Lois: Now kids, your father's just trying to spend time with his family. Or kill us. I'm not sure which.
---------------------------------------------------------
Peter: First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the States to get treatment for her severely burned face which she got when the man she refused to marry dumped sulphuric acid on her wins. I win!
------------------------------------------------------
Peter: Lois, less talkie more fetchie.
Lois: I'm just gonna assume that's Chinese for 'I love you.'
-------------------------------------------------------
Lois: I am not a crazy broad!
Peter: Oh, no, no, Lois, he didn't mean you're crazy like Elizabeth Taylor. He meant you're crazy, like that glue. You stick to things, y'know, like an adhesive. That's all he meant.
--------------------------------------------------------
Peter: Wow, it's like I've died and went to heaven. But then they realized it wasn't my time yet. So they sent me to a brewery.
-------------------------------------------------------
Brian: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything.
Peter: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
----------------------------------------------------
Lois: I just wish my opinion mattered to you.
Peter: Well, the important thing is, it matters to you, and that's the greatest gift of all.
------------------------------------------------------
Peter: My dad worked at that factory for sixty years. That's almost eighty years.
------------------------------------------------------
Peter: Lois, When I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.
------------------------------------------------
"I am special, I am special! Please, God, please, don't let me be normal!" ---Louisa, The Fantasticks
--- ---
Intolerant of intolerance.
#31
Posted: 3/16/05 at 11:01am
Peter: Oh my god, Brian, there's a message in my Alphabits. It says: "Oooooo...".
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
----------
Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
----------
Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.
----------
Lois: Peter, what did you promise me?
Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag pa-- ... Whoa. I almost walked into that one.
----------
Lois: To hell with the cameras! How could we ever let them replace our little girl? Oh, I miss her, Peter.
Peter: Me, too. She's like that dorky Baldwin brother who isn't as good-looking or successful and never answers my letters, but he's still a Baldwin, damn it!
----------
Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es brian ... Nosotros caramos ir condustedes.. uhhhh ...
Bellboy: Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak English?
Bellboy (sigh): No, just that first and this one explaining it.
Brian: You .... you're kidding me, right?
Bellboy: Que?
----------
Lois: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian: What the hell are you talking about?
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
----------
Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
----------
Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.
----------
Lois: Peter, what did you promise me?
Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag pa-- ... Whoa. I almost walked into that one.
----------
Lois: To hell with the cameras! How could we ever let them replace our little girl? Oh, I miss her, Peter.
Peter: Me, too. She's like that dorky Baldwin brother who isn't as good-looking or successful and never answers my letters, but he's still a Baldwin, damn it!
----------
Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es brian ... Nosotros caramos ir condustedes.. uhhhh ...
Bellboy: Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak English?
Bellboy (sigh): No, just that first and this one explaining it.
Brian: You .... you're kidding me, right?
Bellboy: Que?
----------
Lois: Together we can do anything: face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
Peter: Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. Decent phones, God-fearing phones, phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better because we were a team!
Brian: What the hell are you talking about?
#32
Posted: 3/16/05 at 11:03am
*cheers for Family Guy*
"I am special, I am special! Please, God, please, don't let me be normal!" ---Louisa, The Fantasticks
--- ---
Intolerant of intolerance.
#34
Posted: 3/16/05 at 11:30am
Stewie: My, these are delectable! Good news, flappy! I've decided not to kill you!
-------------------------------------------------------------
Peter: We almost got that insect badge.
(flashback)
Peter: Look, chris, a whole family of wasps
WASP Father: My what a sup-par ham
WASP Mother: Perhaps I can't cook up a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
WASP Father: Son, did you know your mother is a whore?
-------------------------------------------------------------
Peter: We almost got that insect badge.
(flashback)
Peter: Look, chris, a whole family of wasps
WASP Father: My what a sup-par ham
WASP Mother: Perhaps I can't cook up a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
WASP Father: Son, did you know your mother is a whore?
So now you've met the court of 364, and if you ever wish to come...don't.
#35
Posted: 3/16/05 at 2:12pm
Peter: Oh, no. Remember what happened the last time I took a coupon from a chicken?
#36
Posted: 3/17/05 at 12:10pm
Tom Tucker - Next up, stay tuned for our special investigative report on the clitoris. Natures rubix cube!
Updated On: 3/17/05 at 12:10 PM
