Funny Eclipse reviews

[MrMidwest]

Funny Eclipse reviews#1

Posted: 6/29/10 at 5:10pm

Devin Faraci:

"Eclipse basically treads a whole bunch of the same ground we went over in the last terrible movie, except this time Jacob keeps coming across like a rapist in training. There's supposed to be a love triangle between Bella, Edward and Jacob, but there is so little sexual chemistry between Stewart and Lautner that no tension exists at all. You don't have to be spoiled on what's coming next to know that there's not a chance in hell that Bella and Jacob end up together, and as you're sitting through two hours of this **** you wonder why anybody even bothered filming this garbage. It's Foregone Conclusion: The Motion Picture."

http://chud.com/articles/articles/24253/1/REVIEW-TWILIGHT-SAGA---ECLIPSE/Page1.html

Ebert:

"Much leads up to a scene in a tent on a mountaintop in the midst of a howling blizzard, when Bella's teeth start chattering. Obviously a job for the hot-blooded Jacob and not the cold-blooded Edward, and as Jacob embraces and warms her, he and Edward have a cloying cringe fest in which Edward admits that if Jacob were not a werewolf, he would probably like him, and then Jacob admits that if Edward were not a vampire -- well, no, no, he couldn't. Come on, big guy. The two of you are making eye contact. Edward's been a confirmed bachelor for 109 years. Get in the brokeback spirit."

http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20100628/REVIEWS/100629977

Harry Knowles:

"OK - so how many folks here have ever been in a love triangle relationship? I've unfortunately been in a couple of those. They are almost without exception the most deceptive and jealous-ridden situations ever. AND - if I ever found myself in that tent in a blowing cold mountain top on what could very well have been the last night of my life? And if I were a Teenage Girl.... I'd totally be all about that doggy & diamond double dicking! And there wasn't a girl in my theater tonight that wasn't wondering if the diamond sprinkled vampire skin would be more like the pyrex dildo or the cyberskin one? And the team Jacob girls with the German Shepard.... mmhmmm, you know it. The funny thing is - Every actor in that tent is thinking that too. And I kinda think that Jacob would be into it, because he does say, "Bella you are capable of loving more than one person." So, I'm pretty damn sure that Jacob almost wants to be the puppy on the floor nestled at the foot of the bed, just waiting to play. This film is about sex.

The father knows it is either happening or is close to happening. He's kinda freaking out, because he doesn't know how to act about it, because he looks at Robert Pattinson's Edward and he can't imagine the teenage girl in him ****ing that. Her mother knows. We all ****ing know they're all about ****ing each other. Edward has this Victorian hang up about no sex before marriage, it is driving Bella's hormones into overdrive. It is the only reason this ****ing triangle is going on. Bella is putting out **** me pheromones like a bitch in heat - and Jacob's doggy sensitive nose can not stay out of her crack. He might be "talking" about her "heartbeat stopping," but what he really wants is that hymen. HE KNOWS IT! That's why he's leg humping her at every single chance. And you can't really hate him like that other guy, because he's a puppy. He can't help it. Just look at those pert always hard boy nipples? They're just so amazingly in focus. They're just asking to be nuzzled at the very least."

http://aintitcool.com/node/45606

"The gods who nurse this universe think little of mortals' cares. They sit in crowds on exclusive clouds and laugh at our love affairs. I might have had a real romance if they'd given me a chance. I loved him, but he didn't love me. I wanted him, but he didn't want me. Then the gods had a spree and indulged in another whim. Now he loves me, but I don't love him." - Cole Porter

Updated On: 6/29/10 at 05:10 PM

[JerseyGirl2]

Funny Eclipse reviews#2

Posted: 6/29/10 at 5:17pm

These are AWESOME!

Pretty pretty please don't you ever ever feel like you're less than f**ckin' perfect!

[Q]

Funny Eclipse reviews#2

Posted: 6/29/10 at 5:32pm

"I'd totally be all about that doggy & diamond double dicking!"

Are we sure Robbiej didn't write this?

[MrMidwest]

Funny Eclipse reviews#3

Posted: 6/30/10 at 4:20pm

The 10 Scariest Things About The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

"The gods who nurse this universe think little of mortals' cares. They sit in crowds on exclusive clouds and laugh at our love affairs. I might have had a real romance if they'd given me a chance. I loved him, but he didn't love me. I wanted him, but he didn't want me. Then the gods had a spree and indulged in another whim. Now he loves me, but I don't love him." - Cole Porter

Updated On: 6/30/10 at 04:20 PM

[Calvin]

Funny Eclipse reviews#4

Posted: 6/30/10 at 4:25pm

Harry Knowles has been in multiple love triangle relationships?

[SonofRobbieJ]

Funny Eclipse reviews#5

Posted: 6/30/10 at 4:34pm

How in the Lord's name did I get dragged into this? I refuse to acknowledge the existence of this dreck.

And really...if I were to coin that phrase, it would have been 'doggy & diamond deep double-dicking'.