Girls at a bachelor party?

[jasonf]

Posted: 7/17/08 at 11:08pm

Quick scenario: I'm going up to Boston this weekend for my best friend's bachelor party. It's supposed to be four guys hanging out, getting drunk - whatever. Now I find out the groom's brother invited four girls to go with us - apparently they are the groom's friends and he doesn't know about this. The factor that's giving me trouble is that he (the brother) knows that my fiancee is coming up with me to Boston -- her plan is to just hang out in the hotel for the night (her choice). I don't feel at all comfortable going out in this situation - four guys, four girls...it just doesn't seem right to me at all. Any ideas on how I can handle this without ruining the night for my friend?

[BigFatBlonde]

Posted: 7/17/08 at 11:11pm

Easy. Tell your girlfriend EVERYTHING beforehand.

If she is ill at ease, tell her you'll call her regularly throughout the night.

And keep your drinking to a minimum.

Simple.

[jasonf]

Posted: 7/17/08 at 11:21pm

She knows -- it's not so much that. Hell, she doesn't even care if we end up in a strip club. It's just the idea of the four guys/four girls while she wasn't invited that's giving me the problems (and yes, I'M uncomfortable with it, it's not coming from her). I tried talking to the fourth guy who's involved, and he seemed kind of on the fence about the whole thing. I mean, I have to go no matter what, obviously since I'm going all the way there, but I'd prefer the night to not be totally uncomfortable...

[BigFatBlonde]

Posted: 7/17/08 at 11:26pm

Ah... give me a minute.

[orangeskittles]

Posted: 7/17/08 at 11:35pm

Why assume 4 guys + 4 girls = 4-way date instead of just a group of friends hanging out? Unless the four girls are hired escorts for each of you, why would it be uncomfortable to have female friends at a bachelor party? They're still his friends and deserve to celebrate with him just as much as you do, regardless of gender.

[mejusthavingfun]

Posted: 7/17/08 at 11:45pm

I would say just don't come back drunk and wake her up at 4am. This 4 on 4 thing seems highly unlikely unless they are "escorts." Heck it's more like 4 on 3 because you are celebrating the Groom's marriage.

Aren't these the tests you face in daily life being in a monogamous relationship? I'm not sure where your discomfort is coming from unless maybe you have no self control. If your fiance is letting you go do this she probably trusts you.... or well if she is anything like my fiance then she is testing you to see if you leave her home alone.

[BigFatBlonde]

Posted: 7/17/08 at 11:46pm

First of all you sound like a TOP NOTCH boyfriend to care about your fiancee's feelings like that.

However, the sad truth is this might just have to be one of those experiences where you buck-up and just FEEL uncomfortable all night WHILE you fake otherwise.

You didn't make the party arrangements and it is far too late to alter them. Accept it as it is and do your best to get through the night. You will probably NEVER have to deal with an event planned by the groom's brother again, but if you do, at least you know what to expect and you will be prepared in advance to say "yes" or "no."

We go through A LOT of these scenarios during a lifetime of family gatherings, weddings, holidays, funerals etc.

I suggest you focus on making sure the groom (your best friend) has the BEST final single night possible.

When the evening is over an done with you can share how uncomfortable you felt with your fiancee and do something special together to wash away the bad taste of the bachelor night.

Hope that helps.

Updated On: 7/17/08 at 11:46 PM

[jasonf]

Posted: 7/17/08 at 11:47pm

Normally I would agree with that, but the way the email that was sent out to them (and then cced to me and our other friend) was definitely not an implication of friends going out. Aside from that, even THAT I wouldn't be so uncomfortable with if it wasn't a known thing that A)three of the four guys are engaged and B)my fiancee made the trip all the way up to Boston and is just sitting in the hotel room uninvited (and she's coming because she was invited to the bridal shower).

[jasonf]

Posted: 7/17/08 at 11:53pm

Thanks - that kind of does actually.

I don't know what will end up happening with this - hopefully my other friend realizes what's happening and will make moves to change it, but if not, I pretty much do just have to deal with it.

[brdlwyr]

Posted: 7/17/08 at 11:55pm

Jason, if there are chicks at a bachelor party and your GF is at a hotel - not good. Call (not IM or text) and announce that the woman that you love will be at the party. Otherwise, you will not "kiss" your GF for months!

[BigFatBlonde]

Posted: 7/17/08 at 11:59pm

Well if the four other girls are expecting a ride on the flag pole... at least one will be disappointed.

It is not your job to entertain the four girls. It is YOUR job to make sure your best friend has a good time. As long as you don't do anything against your moral values.

Yes: The brother is insensitive to your situation. check

Yes: Your girlfriend is willing to put up with it for one night. check

Yes: You feel bad about the whole thing. Check.

Now you have to own it. Go to the party. Make sure you have fun... if the brother insists on your doing something against your better judgment to "keep the party going," whip out your balls and DRAW THE LINE.

Until then, make a good faith effort to have fun.

Updated On: 7/18/08 at 11:59 PM

[BigFatBlonde]

Posted: 7/18/08 at 12:07am

hmmm... given the situation, maybe "whip out your balls" was the wrong expression.

Keep you balls covered.

Updated On: 7/18/08 at 12:07 AM

[miss pennywise]

Posted: 7/18/08 at 12:30am

I think everything BFB says makes sense, but it doesn't sound like you're really satisfied with this option, jason. Therefore, I say, do not do anything that will compromise your values, beliefs or interests. If you don't want to take your fiancée along, don't go. Why put yourself, your fiancée or your friend through what is destined to hurt someone? It seems like you don't really want to go, so why risk having an awful time, ruining your friend's bachelor party or tampering with your primary relationship?

If you really WANT to go, that's a different story. You should. But if your heart's not in it, why do it? I'm a big believer in "Live and let live." I don't want ANYONE to do anything for me out of a sense of obligation. I'd rather have them there willingly and fully present. And I certainly don't want my friends to do something that betrays their personal ethics. If I did, what kind of friend would I be?

[BigFatBlonde]

Posted: 7/18/08 at 12:40am

Very Wise.

Miss Pennywise is correctly pointing out that you do have options.

With honesty and diplomacy you can get out of it with minimal hurt feelings.

[jasonf]

Posted: 7/18/08 at 10:54am

Those are good thoughts - thank both of you. The funny thing is, I'm 30 now - this shouldn't even be an issue at my age! I feel kind of stuck in that, yes, I want to go to my friends' bachelor party, of course - but I don't want there to be any bad blood anywhere, and I just have a bad feeling about this. I just got an email saying that one of the four girls can't go - so the numbers changed at least, but that doesn't change the fact that this was not what I signed up for when I said I was coming to the party.

[Elphaba]

Posted: 7/18/08 at 11:01am

"I'm 30 now - this shouldn't even be an issue at my age!"

EXACTLY!

and if at 30 you need to call your mate to ensure she knows you are being a good boy, than either she, or you have trust issues, and that is what should be looked at.

sorry, just seems odd to me that this is an issue for an adult.

(please take nothing personally.....we all know I am not in a right frame of mind these days...I just thought you were a kid...and wouldn't have answered, but being 30 is a different story)

However, I learned long ago that if I have a bad feeling about something, I just don't do it.

[papalovesmambo]

Posted: 7/18/08 at 11:03am

will there be deer porn?

and won't reading this thread clue her in?

Updated On: 7/18/08 at 11:03 AM

[miss pennywise]

Posted: 7/18/08 at 11:07am

"However, I learned long ago that if I have a bad feeling about something, I just don't do it."

This is a principle to live by.



(Beautiful avatar, Elphaba.)

[papalovesmambo]

Posted: 7/18/08 at 11:14am

how about you grow a set or at least ask katy to take yours down of the shelf and let you borrow them for the night, deer f***er?

[jasonf]

Posted: 7/18/08 at 11:17am

Caitie has no problem with me going. I wanted to know if I was justified in being concerned about this, and the impression I got from several places (not just on here) is that it is justified.

Papa, you are truly pathetic.

[papalovesmambo]

Posted: 7/18/08 at 11:19am

do you take a poll before wiping? jesus what a freaking waste of a y chromosome.

[PalJoey]

Posted: 7/18/08 at 11:23am

JasonF. The Day AFTER the Bachelor Party.

[jasonf]

Posted: 7/18/08 at 11:24am

If I was less mature, I would turn that around on you with a homophone - but - oh, what's the point?

Updated On: 7/18/08 at 11:24 AM

[papalovesmambo]

Posted: 7/18/08 at 11:28am

maybe you hanging around homophones is what katy's worried about, deer f***er.

[tazber]

Posted: 7/18/08 at 11:33am

Is this a round-about way of communicating with catie? Or maybe she'll the thread and not read it out of respect for the trust you share. (tee-hee)

Very clever.

She'll probably send me some obscene PM now for suggesting you have communication issues.