How do you tell your parents your....

[theatreluver]

Posted: 12/27/03 at 7:31pm

Gay? Please anyone that has gone through this...please help!!!!!

[broadwayguy2]

Posted: 12/27/03 at 7:38pm

you are ready to come out?? Good for you.. there are any number of ways to do it.. I would suggest that you come out to several close friends first so that you have emotional support and most likely, your family and friends already know that you are.. they are either waiting for you to come out or they have brushed teh though aside...

I took a passive approach.. I turned 16, go sick of being something I wasn't and I hung justin timberlake and nick carter posters in my bedroom, stopped commenting about hot girls and all thats tuff and was just "me".. i figured that with my paremts, it was easier than going through "the talk" with them about it....

feel your parents out... maybe you might want to tell one first... the the other.... try to do it in a situation where they are relaxed and comfortable if youa re worried about a bad reaction.. and don't beat around the bush... just say it..


and hun, I have a drnken catholic father and an enabling southern baptist mother and gre up in central texas inmiliary town with farmboys and a focuse on friday night high school football.... i went through bad stuff.. you will be fine. just be you

[theatreluver]

Posted: 12/27/03 at 7:40pm

how did they take it? did they not talk to you for a while???

[Musetta1957]

Posted: 12/27/03 at 7:45pm

Do tell your friends first -- ESPECIALLY the friends who have met or know your parents. They can give you a second opinion on whether it might be too early/a bad idea to come out to your parents right now.

[broadwayguy2]

Posted: 12/27/03 at 7:46pm

my family is VERY prejudice.... example.. christmas eve, when my father came home, the first thing he said when he walked through the door was "That n* bitch doesn't need to park her car in front of my house" and recentl commented on how trashy out family is becoming what with my cousin marrying a girl who is half black, my other cosuin datinga black girl, and two more having had children with spanish men.. so...

my father pretended, and still does pretend, or that I can be changed. my mother took my to a psychologist who laughed at her and gave me some light meds to help me relax because she thought i was in danger of becoming to high strung or developing situatuional depression due to my parents. lol. THAT happened when I turned 17...

now, it just isn't really discussed.. i just go about my business...

[broadwayguy2]

Posted: 12/27/03 at 7:48pm

but yes.. tell a few friends first.. they will be a support system.. it also helps you weed out your real friends from your "friends"..

the first person I came out to was a 3 fingered lesbian trumpet player with spikey hair and a thing for wifebeaters, camo, and combat boots.

[JoizeyActor]

Posted: 12/27/03 at 7:50pm

I think that girl goes to my school...

[broadwayguy2]

Posted: 12/27/03 at 7:52pm

ha ha ha ha

you might also try looking up gay and lesbian youth centers or PFLAG chapters who may also be able to give you any support/addice or anything else you may need.. in addition to making some new friends who know where you are and where you are going...

[theatreluver]

Posted: 12/27/03 at 7:58pm

do they still love you just as much as they did before...do they still talk to you on a regular basis...do you feel like you are an outsider of the family???

[broadwayguy2]

Posted: 12/27/03 at 8:03pm

I have always felt like an outsider in the family and I have always been distant with them on some level, sexuality aside.. my entire family and I are like oil and water.. I am an actor, they are athletes... etc, etc, etc....

Your parents love you.. they will deal with it.

If you want, feel free to PM me or IM me on AIM or whatever and we can talk if you ever need to.

[shermanslave]

Posted: 12/27/03 at 8:12pm

If your parents were going to be the kind of parents that throw their gay child out of the house and never speak to them again, you would know that. They probably have a pretty good idea already. When I told my mom when I was 19, I had trouble saying it. I was all stammering and cryimg and she said, "does this have anything to do with all of your friends being gay?" I said yes, and she said she knew already and did not care. And then she said "at least I know I'll always have someone to go shopping with." Funny, mom. She told my dad and the next day my dad said that he did not care and he loves me anyway. I think most parents are able to accept the fact. D you have a gay uncle or aunt that you can talk to first? And you should come out to your friends first. the first person i told in my family was my little brother who was 14 at the time and he was like, "cool, whatever." Good luck.

[jrb_actor]

Posted: 12/27/03 at 9:48pm

In my experiences, those who tell their parents usually do well--and your deciding when this information is made clearly to them usually gives you the upper hand. The parents who freak out are usually the situations where the parents found out--and if they come at you, and you aren't prepared to deal--they have the upper hand. There are always exceptions, but I bet that if you sit them down and tell them confidently, things will be ok--and no matter how cool and hip and gay friendly they are, they will need time to adjust. My mom knew, but it took her a couple of days to fully accept the official news. Even parents that are ridiculous about it often come to terms with it. However, there are some (in broadwayguy's case) who never do or won't for way too long.

Make sure you have a support base of friends in case things don't go well.

Good luck! =)

[TxTwoStep]

Posted: 12/27/03 at 10:51pm

i think the PFLAG suggestion is a really good one. If it doesn't go well the first time round, they might provide a facilitator to help you talk with your parents again. One of the most moving stories i ever heard was from someone who came out to his mom, and she couldn't deal with it. He lived some distance from her, and she gradually softened, but he never felt as close to her again. When she died unexpectedly, as he helped to clean out her home, he found materials she had gotten herself from PFLAG. So he knew she was trying to understand, even if she couldn't share it with him directly. Your parents will cope with the news the best way they can; that is all anyone can ask. i have never told mine, simply because my family doesn't talk about anything like that...straight or gay. Sexuality of any sort is very private, and no one seems to mind. i found "myself" much later in life and was already an adult, so i didn't need their permission or their help. You could be in a different position. Take the tack that you are not trying to prove anything to them or defy them, but that you want them to know you better because of how much you love them. You love them to trust them with one of the biggest decisions of your life; you care about them enough to be as honest as possible. Yes, you are asking for their love and acceptance in return, but primarily you are sharing with them because you need that connection to the real you. If possible, try to find a recording of the musical revue FAIRY TALES. There is a great song about writing a letter to your parents, and also a wonderful PFLAG-centered march song, which is quite humorous. i wish you luck. If you can't find the recording elsewhere, PM me and i will dub a copy for you. But first and foremost, get support from PFLAG. They have seen it all, and done most of it. They even have the T-shirts! It will be invaluable. And congratulations on your bravery, at such an age, to do this. i wouldn't have had the guts then, and some say i don't even now! *wink*

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 12/27/03 at 10:54pm

I came out when I was 17 in the mid-80s in Texas. Luckily, I have quite liberal parents who had gay friends in the 70s, so they were incredibly supportive and still are. Coming out is tough no matter who your parents are because it is not just telling them, but admitting your own acceptance of yourself.

If you really think about it, you probably have an idea how they will react. Hard-core gay fanatics will tell you do come out proud no matter what, but I say timing is everything. No one says you have to tell your parents or anyone else. Coming out is YOUR CHOICE. Straight people don't come out to their parents. If you accept who you are, then it is your decision to talk about your sexual preference with whomever you please. If you still live with your parents and are afraid of their reaction, then maybe you want to wait until you have your own place or are financially independent. In some cases, you may never tell them. But as long as you are true to yourself, then don't worry about the rest. People will love you because you are a confident individual who believes in himself (or herself).

I have made friends with so many straight men who had serious homophobic problems because I don't advertise my homosexuality, but I don't hide it either. Being gay is only a part of who I am. It doesn't define me. And my confidence and honesty, I think, is what people find comforting.

I don't know if this helps your situation, but it's just some positive things I would like to share.

[broadwayguy2]

Posted: 12/27/03 at 10:55pm

true true

[BillFinn]

Posted: 12/28/03 at 12:23am

Do you plan to go to college? Ask yourself "Will my parents disown me or refuse to finanically support me after I turn 18 if I tell them? " If the answer is yes, then don't tell them. That's the reason I don't tell my dad.

Don't tell them out of anger either. The way it happened with me was my mom wanted to know why I wanted to transfer out of my private catholic high school to a public school and I told her I couldn't, and she asked why again, so I said "Because you're a homophobe." I still go to that school so it didn't change anything. I'm more distant from her now. The love hasn't changed, just the respect. She respects me more as an adult now because of my braverism you could say.

You might be lucky and have you mother say "I won't believe you're gay until you have sex with a man and it feels right." She encourages me to have gay sex.

[DonelBee]

Posted: 12/28/03 at 12:29am

To the above recommendations I would just like to reinforce the advice of coming out only when it feels right for yourself and when you can do it in a rational, unemotional manner and with confidence and without feeling ashamed. And try to remember that your coming out to your parents will probably make it necessary for them, in their own way, to "come out" (about having a gay child) to their friends and associates. All the best to you.

[TxTwoStep]

Posted: 12/28/03 at 12:33am

Mister Matt, another Texan. We are truly beginning to take over this board, if not the world (via the Bush dynasty). Just thought i'd inject a little humor here. Remember THEATRELUVR that this too will pass. Whatever occurs is not the end of the world. For a total cliche, follow your bliss.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 12/28/03 at 12:45am

"Hard-core gay fanatics will tell you do come out proud no matter what, but I say timing is everything."

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Like being proud and having good timing are mutually exclusive. SHEESH, what a maroon.

"I have made friends with so many straight men who had serious homophobic problems because I don't advertise my homosexuality..."

Krispy Kreme doesn't advertise either, but anybody can tell a Krispy Kreme donut just by looking at one.

I recommend taking a deep breath and reading a few books on the topic, TL. There's "Outing Yourself: How to Come Out as Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends, and Coworkers" by Michelangelo Signorile, who may be one of those "hard-core gay fanatics" MisterMasc derides.

There's also "Coming Out: An Act of Love" by Rob Eichberg.

Whatever you do, become the right kind of homosexual, like MisterMatt. And not some sort of "hard core gay fanatic," a choice that he is completely unable to support. And you really don't want to be gay without the support of the likes of him.

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 12/28/03 at 10:36am

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? Like being proud and having good timing are mutually exclusive. SHEESH, what a maroon."

That's not what I implied. That's merely what you read into the singular lime. But you are a master at taking quotes out of context. Oh, and I am not a brownish shade of red.

"Krispy Kreme doesn't advertise either, but anybody can tell a Krispy Kreme donut just by looking at one."

And I added "I don't hide it either". Selective quoting can twist any sentece the way you want to represent it. Once again, Namo, you don't know jack about me.

"Whatever you do, become the right kind of homosexual, like MisterMatt. And not some sort of "hard core gay fanatic," a choice that he is completely unable to support. And you really don't want to be gay without the support of the likes of him."

Never said anyone has to be like me or have my support. I only answered his question based on my opinions and experience. Whether or not you like it is completey irrelevent. Dont put him in the middle of your childish little vendetta against me.

[broadwayguy2]

Posted: 12/28/03 at 10:55am

"Selective quoting can twist any sentece the way you want to represent it."

Thank you Mr. Shaiman. Mwah!!

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 12/28/03 at 11:02am

I didn't, I gave him a recommendation of two books, free of the kind of judgmentalism that came through in your post. Also, free of the narcissim about how you did it your way and the very strong narrative leaning in which you did imply that your way is preferrable.

You think after reading your posts I don't know jack about you? You reveal more and more about yourself with every post. Of course I know jack about you.

Now back to YOU, theaterluver, here's a website from England that you might find fun and helpful... it has some good ideas about the process of coming out that might be helpful to you (oh yeah, be sure to visit all the sections, ESPECIALLY the "sexual health" tab, the info's invaluable):


Link

[Mister Matt]

Posted: 12/28/03 at 11:19am

theatreluvr - I'm sure you will do what you feel is right. Whatever you choose, I hope it goes well for you.

[Amneris]

Posted: 12/28/03 at 7:29pm

I don't know why it's such a big deal for parents to handle... I'd be proud of my child either way gay or straight. I know it may come as a shock to most and some have religious beliefs but in the end, I believe if we are all happy then why should same sex relationships be such a hard thing to discuss or admit?

[iflitifloat]

Posted: 12/28/03 at 7:48pm

Here is my chronologically challenged, parental speculation: I think that it is probably a big deal for parents, initially, when a child first comes out, for a couple of reasons. First, whether the news comes as a surprise or is merely a validation of what was suspected, it still changes what you thought you knew about your child...I can imagine feeling foolish that I didn't realize it earlier or hurt that he or she didn't feel they could tell me sooner. The second reason it is a big deal is because it is a basic parental instinct to want life to be perfect and wonderful and stress free for your kids...not that being heterosexual leads to any of those things anymore than being homosexual does....but I could see being concerned that my child's being gay might make things more difficult for them. But I can't for a second imagine loving...or even liking...one of my kids less if they were to be gay.