I have this sort of bitchy know-it-all friend..(insights please)

[Garland Grrrl]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 10:23am

we stopped off at her place which was SQUALID. crap everywhere. garbage on the floor in the kitchen, the bathroom was smelly and dirty. (she owns this apartment btw) we then went to a nail salon which she assured me was ok --and it was also filthy--old and grimy. customers are asked to put their feet on scummy bathmats to get a pedicure. i was appalled. a bacterial buffet.
i begged off and left. i wanted to be gracious, i didn't want to embarrass her, but this place was unhygienic and dangerous. my friend is always doing loads of charity work but also bitching about how stupid people are. she can be quite a delightful person but she has a cloud of negativity and anger that follows her around. i think she needs to take care of herself. i don't understand that kind of complacency with filth. is it a self -esteem problem? i don't get it. as a friend, i wonder what to do.

Updated On: 9/15/05 at 10:23 AM

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 10:30am

I've seen this situation on Oprah. It seems to be a case of not believing you deserve better. There was a woman on there who looked perfect and impeccable whenever she left her house and went out in public, but her house was the dirtiest you'd ever seen, including dog feces left everywhere. Old, dirty pots and pans in the kitchen...stuff like that. She truly didn't believe she deserved to live in a nice clean place.

Your friend sounds like a textbook case of low self-esteem - the "bitchy know-it-all" aspect of trying to make herself better than you - or perhaps trying to prove she is good enough for you.

[Garland Grrrl]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 10:40am

i've always felt how someone keeps their home is their own business, but i just couldn't go through with the nail thing and i was afraid i was insulting her by leaving.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 10:42am

I agree with you on all counts.

[SorryGrateful]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 10:50am

As a person who can be a bitchy know-it-all friend at times, I think the best thing to do would be to sit down and have a calm discussion with her about how she behaves toward you and how it makes you feel. Try not to sound accusing because that never goes over well. Try to stick with your feelings and how what she does makes you feel. This would probably work with me. (And actually has in the past.) Good luck!

P.S. I totally don't blame you for the unhygienic nail place issue. That sounds really rank.

[touchmeinthemorning]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 11:01am

To offer a different perspective, perhaps the issue also has something to do with your expectations. Some people just aren't bothered by a little filth, and are more concerned with other things. if she does a lot of charity work, she could be so concerned for others that she rarely thinks of herself. So, if you decide to confront her, be kind, because she will more than likely take it ultra-personally.

On a different note, I also saw the Oprah show with the lady with dog poop in her carpet...her issue was that she was SUCH a neat freak that the idea of cleaning up after herself was so daunting (she would say to herself, "I am not cleaning enough") that she just didn't clean at all. So, your friend could also have that issue.

That's my two cents.

[Garland Grrrl]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 11:13am

the word "filth" belies the term "little" in my mind. i have been to "third world" countries and have also attempted to use the john at STARBUCKS (possibly the dirtiest place on earth that serves $5 coffee) i draw the line at slime on bathmats.

my friend has a problem. one that i normally wouldn't stick my nose into save the fact that she took me to some scummy nail place that was unclean and dangerous. i think she may harbor hard feelings towards me now. i just don't get the whole syndrome and would like some advice.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 11:17am

I would guess that you embarrassed her, she wants desperately to be accepted by you and you left her filthy nail salon. I am not saying that you were wrong for doing it - I wouldn't want you to be infected! - but I do believe that you leaving played right into her insecurities. It's a tough situation.

[lildogs]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 11:19am

having lived in some pretty messy places (usually my own mess), I can say that for me, the more messed up i was on the inside, the messier my house was. I was also smoking alot of 420 which doesn't exactly promote aggressive housekeeping. I keep my house much cleaner now, and i got my act together inside as well (still working on that)

I would imagine that she thinks she has no time for cleaning and that's its not important, which is also quite true.

As far as the manicure/pedicure goes, you were right to jet--you could have easily gotten sick.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 11:20am

When you left the salon, what did you say? And how did you say it?

[Garland Grrrl]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 11:35am

i think she thought i had a time crunch. i just said, "hey, i've gotta go. you get your wax, etc and i'll call you later". so we spoke later and i told her i was uncomfortable with the salon. i invited her some place on tuesday, but she was volunteering for a fundraiser. she has been unemployed for a while and trying to date (she had a bad breakup last year)

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 11:36am

But how did the conversation about the salon go?

[Garland Grrrl]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 11:57am

it really wasn't a conversation. i just mentioned that i was uncomfortable with where this woman had asked me to place my barefeet. i avoided any "ewww--gross!" tone in my voice because i didn't want to hurt her feelings. then we went on to another topic.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 11:58am

Did she seem to have an okay reaction to that?

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 12:09pm

In my opinion, as a friend the most you can do is be there as a friend, and simply avoid going to her place, etc. My best friend, currently my roommate - though not for long - is a great guy, we get along famously, except for the fact that he's the biggest slob. At first I tried to talk to him, motivate him, if you will. And he would really try to do something about it, but about half-way of cleaning his room, something would come up and he'd leave it a worse mess and even cr@p in the living room. And I don't even venture into his bathroom.

Alas, all it has done is create a rift between us, because he feels he can't live up to my expectations of him, worsening his self-esteem. SO I'm moving out, and will stick to being his friend at every other time. And I've stopped giving him cr@p about his mess.

[Garland Grrrl]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 12:13pm

i have always tried to stay out of her stuff and just spend time with her away from home -- but this experience took the issue out of the home. i have spoken to her since and she seemed ok. i think i will bring it up later, when we have sometime together.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 12:14pm

I'm messy in my own space, but meticulous about common spaces. What's funny is that one of my roommates keeps her bedroom immaculate, but is gross in the public spaces. I don't get that. Who cares if my room is untidy? But everyone has to use the common spaces, as you say, DD, like the living room. If I had my own bathroom, I'm sure it wouldn't be all that tidy, but since I share one, I keep it pristine.

*end jack*

Updated On: 9/15/05 at 12:14 PM

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 12:30pm

Yep, it's when his mess interferes with my life that it bugs me. Or when I do all the cleaning. God knows I'm quite messy myself, but NOT dirty.

The reason I brought my situation up was because I thought GG was asking what to do, as a friend, about her friend's self-esteem issue. And there's really nothing one can do. But I think I misinterpreted her post.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 12:34pm

I think all you can do in that case is be a good friend. Knowing that I have good people - really good, good people - in my life who seek out my friendship and company is the best boost for my self-esteem that there can be.

[Garland Grrrl]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 12:35pm

no--i'm interested in all aspects of this issue, thanks. i've just tried to call her regularly so she doesn't feel alone and hang with her when i can. she is a great person, but sometimes the negativity gets to me.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 12:37pm

I hear you on the negativity thing. I've stopped seeing people because of that - eventually it wears you down. It's a balance issue - do the good times outweigh the bad?

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 9/15/05 at 12:44pm

Personally, as long as I can avoid feeding into the negativity, I'm ok. And you know, we all go through our 'negativity' phases, but when it's constant, it's so draining. I have enough trying to keep myself happy...

I tend to distance myself from overly negative people. My best friend and I were estraged (sp) for about a year because he got so negative, all he did was bitch and bad mouth everyone. I know he was going through his own sh!t, but I couldn't be around him anymore. He's back in my life now... for which I'm grateful.