I have this sort of bitchy know-it-all friend..(insights please)

we stopped off at her place which was SQUALID. crap everywhere. garbage on the floor in the kitchen, the bathroom was smelly and dirty. (she owns this apartment btw) we then went to a nail salon which she assured me was ok --and it was also filthy--old and grimy. customers are asked to put their feet on scummy bathmats to get a pedicure. i was appalled. a bacterial buffet.
i begged off and left. i wanted to be gracious, i didn't want to embarrass her, but this place was unhygienic and dangerous. my friend is always doing loads of charity work but also bitching about how stupid people are. she can be quite a delightful person but she has a cloud of negativity and anger that follows her around. i think she needs to take care of herself. i don't understand that kind of complacency with filth. is it a self -esteem problem? i don't get it. as a friend, i wonder what to do.

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Updated On: 9/15/05 at 10:23 AM

i've always felt how someone keeps their home is their own business, but i just couldn't go through with the nail thing and i was afraid i was insulting her by leaving.

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As a person who can be a bitchy know-it-all friend at times, I think the best thing to do would be to sit down and have a calm discussion with her about how she behaves toward you and how it makes you feel. Try not to sound accusing because that never goes over well. Try to stick with your feelings and how what she does makes you feel. This would probably work with me. (And actually has in the past.) Good luck!

P.S. I totally don't blame you for the unhygienic nail place issue. That sounds really rank.

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the word "filth" belies the term "little" in my mind. i have been to "third world" countries and have also attempted to use the john at STARBUCKS (possibly the dirtiest place on earth that serves $5 coffee) i draw the line at slime on bathmats.

my friend has a problem. one that i normally wouldn't stick my nose into save the fact that she took me to some scummy nail place that was unclean and dangerous. i think she may harbor hard feelings towards me now. i just don't get the whole syndrome and would like some advice.

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having lived in some pretty messy places (usually my own mess), I can say that for me, the more messed up i was on the inside, the messier my house was. I was also smoking alot of 420 which doesn't exactly promote aggressive housekeeping. I keep my house much cleaner now, and i got my act together inside as well (still working on that)

I would imagine that she thinks she has no time for cleaning and that's its not important, which is also quite true.

As far as the manicure/pedicure goes, you were right to jet--you could have easily gotten sick.

i think she thought i had a time crunch. i just said, "hey, i've gotta go. you get your wax, etc and i'll call you later". so we spoke later and i told her i was uncomfortable with the salon. i invited her some place on tuesday, but she was volunteering for a fundraiser. she has been unemployed for a while and trying to date (she had a bad breakup last year)

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it really wasn't a conversation. i just mentioned that i was uncomfortable with where this woman had asked me to place my barefeet. i avoided any "ewww--gross!" tone in my voice because i didn't want to hurt her feelings. then we went on to another topic.

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In my opinion, as a friend the most you can do is be there as a friend, and simply avoid going to her place, etc. My best friend, currently my roommate - though not for long - is a great guy, we get along famously, except for the fact that he's the biggest slob. At first I tried to talk to him, motivate him, if you will. And he would really try to do something about it, but about half-way of cleaning his room, something would come up and he'd leave it a worse mess and even cr@p in the living room. And I don't even venture into his bathroom.

Alas, all it has done is create a rift between us, because he feels he can't live up to my expectations of him, worsening his self-esteem. SO I'm moving out, and will stick to being his friend at every other time. And I've stopped giving him cr@p about his mess.

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I'm messy in my own space, but meticulous about common spaces. What's funny is that one of my roommates keeps her bedroom immaculate, but is gross in the public spaces. I don't get that. Who cares if my room is untidy? But everyone has to use the common spaces, as you say, DD, like the living room. If I had my own bathroom, I'm sure it wouldn't be all that tidy, but since I share one, I keep it pristine.

*end jack*

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Updated On: 9/15/05 at 12:14 PM

I think all you can do in that case is be a good friend. Knowing that I have good people - really good, good people - in my life who seek out my friendship and company is the best boost for my self-esteem that there can be.

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I hear you on the negativity thing. I've stopped seeing people because of that - eventually it wears you down. It's a balance issue - do the good times outweigh the bad?

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