My life has taken a nose dive

[spiderdj82]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 1:18pm

I just found out moments ago that my sister is engaged to her baby's daddy who I HATE. Normally, it wouldn't matter because that is her life and she needs to live it the best way she can. BUT he treats her like crap and she broke up with him because of it (he calls her "fat," "stupid," etc. infront of me and my parents). And the thing that makes me madder than anything, is that I found out by a person who heard it from the baby's daddy. I am so pissed right now, I can't think straight. I actually feel like crying.

[Broadwayboobs]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 1:21pm

You know I have family that can take care of this situation.

[spiderdj82]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 1:23pm

Please do! Seriously, if I wasn't at work right now I probably would be crying. I just don't want my sister to ruin her life over this.

[spiderdj82]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 1:23pm

And here is the kicker.



I work with the bastard (he doesn't know that I have been told)!

Updated On: 10/16/06 at 01:23 PM

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 1:28pm

Spider... I hear ya. My sisters have both married guys I don't like. One of them married just a jerk, but whatever...

The other married a man that treated her very badly (lets just say that it wasn't limited to name-calling.) At first we tried to get involved, express our discontent, etc. But she was going to do what she wanted to do. It wasn't until she asked for our help that we did help her out. I know how difficult it is to stay on the sidelines... I made it clear to her that I did not like him, and refused to be around him. That was the most I could do. She has since left him, and is on a much better path now.

btw... your avatar makes me miss tiff.

[spiderdj82]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 1:31pm

I called her today and when she confessed to it, I hung up on her and she has called me back a few times, but I don't want to talk to her about it. There is more to it than just name calling (I mean, there is no physical abuse that I know of). When she broke up with him and started dating another guy, he called her about 20 times a day . . . came to her house and wouldn't leave when she asked him to . .. keeps writing stupid love poems . . . tells her that whatever boyfriend she gets has to go through him, etc. I mean, he is psycho. I am scared that he is going to eventually hurt her.

[doodlenyc]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 2:12pm

Spidey, I've been through this myself, and it is VERY difficult to sit by and watch...and a baby makes it all the more difficult. One thing I would suggest, is to keep your communication open as much as you can. She will need you, and I'd hate for you to regret not being there if you want to. I dont know how close you two are, but I think it'd be worse if she were all alone in such a relationship.

I'm not suggesting you or your family keep quiet about your frustration and fear, but ultimately it is her decision and there isnt anything you can do, except avoid him and be there for her and the kid....and it's a very high wire to walk.

Seriously hoping it works out for the best for her and you.

[spiderdj82]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 2:14pm

Yeah, me and her are REALLY close. I guess I am just going to have to sit back and let her do her own thing, even though I am mad as hell. This is her life afterall. I am going to talk to her later and let her know everything that I am feeling and why I feel this way and be behind her in whatever she chooses.

[spiderdj82]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 2:15pm

Honestly, if it wasn't for the baby, she would have left him a long time ago.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 2:16pm

She's trying to be in touch with you - seriously, you need to be discussing this with her, not us.

Don't cut her off.

[spiderdj82]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 2:23pm

I'm not. I just had a moment of insanity and hung up with her, but I will call her later when I get off of work. And actually, she never tried to be "in touch" with me on this situation. Like I said, she didn't even tell me about it . . . I had to find out through someone else and when she did call back, and left a message on my voice mail, she wanted to know what I was upset about. But, I will talk to her tonight

[mejusthavingfun]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 2:27pm

spiderdj82 - I have this problem with both sisters. One has been physically abused by her husband and both are psychologically abused. My entire family has urged both girls to leave their men behind and given them everything in way of support possible to get away. We have also put both guys in their place and let them know what was what until he is out of our lives.

Unconditional support is the most important thing. My sister acts crazy and even sides with her man. It's important to put yourself in her shoes and understand where and why she might be involved with this person. Some 60% of all marriages end in divorce so I doubt very much your sister will be with him forever. I had a whole conversation with my sister yesterday about her baby daddy and not buying a house with him. That sister is smart enough to know things are temporary.

Just be sure and not rush to judgment. Most people take offense to being called "wrong" and then proceed to shut you out. Keep showing her love and support from your side so she will have somewhere to fall. If she doesn't have support, she's gonna fall right back with him. None of that "told ya so" business. Love is never easy.

[spiderdj82]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 2:29pm

Thanks everyone. I will try my best to be openminded about this and support her the best I can.

[Rose_MacShane]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 2:39pm

As hard as it is to stand back and watch your sister do this, that's pretty much all you can do. All you can really do is be there for her. I have a friend in a similar situation (she's "friends with benefits" with a guy who has a girlfriend and who constantly jerks her around) and as much as I want to grab her and shake her sometimes, I can't. As much as I want to tear him a new one, I can't. All I can do is be there for her and hope to God she finally comes to her senses.

[spiderdj82]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 2:46pm

I think that the thing that shocks me the most about all of this, is that two days ago she hated him (and they have been broken up for almost 2 months now) and BAM!, she is engaged to him. Once I get over the shock, I think it will be better.

[Jane2]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 2:50pm

He's showing the early signs of a physical abuser. You've described all the symptoms. I'm afraid telling your sister this won't help at this point. Keep close to her-she may need you.

[spiderdj82]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 2:52pm

Thanks, Jane2. I am going to tell her exactly why I feel this is a wrong choice for her, but also let her know that I will still be here for her if she needs me.

[best12bars]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 3:29pm

I would ask your sister why she thinks so little of herself to be with him?

I know this is common, but it's so very tragic.

[mejusthavingfun]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 4:24pm

My boyfriend isn't abusive and neither am I, but I understand the whole on-again-off-again business. AKA Light-bulb relationship. For me it's immaturity and being conflicted with wants and needs in this life. I really love the security of a relationship, but am seemingly never content in one.

And I don't think she thinks little of herself. It's probably just the opposite. It's so easy to be objective on the outside of a relationship. I'm fascinated by relationships and why people are together. Especially odd mismatched couples. I have fallen in love with some strange guys. Most of them really confused my close friends. This girl could be with him for many reasons. I once dated a guy most of my friends thought was a loser. He had bad teeth, bad breath, bad skin, he had no education and just really directionless. I stuck by him though because we had a real connection. Sometimes its about love, money, touch, smell, whispers... who knows? Updated On: 10/16/06 at 04:24 PM

[Jane2]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 4:35pm

I"m glad you know a lot about light bulb relationships.

What Spidey is describing is an abusive situation and has pathology. The one who is abused in this situation is someone with low self esteem. If you're so fascinated, then it would probably be very interesting to you to do some research on abusive relationships.

[doodlenyc]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 4:47pm

I agree with Jane...there is clear emotional abuse here, not just wishywashiness.

[mejusthavingfun]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 5:02pm

I have been in the emergency room with my sister after she was attacked by her husband. I've seen both of my sisters go from fully independent lives and into something, that is hardly an existence. We had an intervention with the physically abused sister and it did not work... I’ve seen their husbands turn from “normal” men into tyrannical monsters.

Actually, you know what? In 1997 I did an interview with Denise Brown, Nicole Brown Simpson's sister for a college television program. As well, as visit to abused women’s shelter. I learned a lot about the cycle of abuse and it's roots, Denise was in the same situation as myself and many other people with abused friends and family. She didn’t realize what was going on until it was too late.

I'm not trying to make light of the situation. You know what the consulers told my family after multiple attempts to intervene? They said either he would kill my sister, or she would kill him. We work everyday to make sure she is safe and moving out of that situation.


I guess I mention my personal experience because I know what it is like to be in a relationship where it is more of an addiction. I come back even if it’s not the best thing for me. Talking down to victims will not empower these women and it’s not going to break the cycle. Also it’s a message board, I’m hardly about to diagnosis someone as being an abusive mate. It’s good you are calling attention to this though.

[spiderdj82]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 5:27pm

Please do not argue in this thread!!

[Caroline-Q-or-TBoo]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 5:36pm

that truly sucks.

I sorta know how you feel in an indirect way.




in other news, the phrase "babies daddy" is really, sorta, comical methinks

[erikaamato]

Posted: 10/16/06 at 5:38pm

in other news, the phrase "babies daddy" is really, sorta, comical methinks

Well, it would be if it weren't so sad.