NEW RULE
NEW RULE
#0NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 11:23am
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the Asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge Asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic? I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
NewRule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.
NOW..add your own RULE to this list.....
#1re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 11:30amNew Rule: Stop sending me e-mails on how to make my penis larger or how to beat erectile dysfunction. I do not have a penis and my vagina is working just fine thanks.
#2re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 11:32amNEW RULE: stop discontinuing products that i use regularly and love. it's not funny anymore.
PED
#3re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 11:40am
New Rule: Segways should not be allowed in malls. There is nothing cute or trendy about a 15 year old girl riding her Segway in the mall. It's called lazy and you're just trying to show off how rich your parents are.
New Rule: If I catch you mooing or singing along at the RENT movie you cannot press charges when I break your legs. Also, DO NOT cheer after the opening, the cast can't hear you. Also people who wear costumes will not be allowed in the theatre.
New Rule: Just because you are an overzealous 20 year old theatre major it does not give you the right to perform in public (ie: The mall, a fast food place or waiting for mom to pick you up at the movies) and excuse it away by being a theatre major. This includes dancing, prat falls and singing. And you wonder why people think theatre people are weird.
New Rule: It's small, medium or large not Tall, Granda, Verte, Vertigo, Fendi or whatever trendy words you create to sell your coffee. Get over yourself Starbucks.
New Rule: If you must disgrace us with your presence in Sweet Charity, Mr. Federline, Shave your nappy head. There were no such thing as white-boy corn rows in the 60's.
New Rule: US Magazine, stop printing pictures of celebs buying coffee or eating lunch and then reminding us that Celebs are just like US. No way? really? I thought they ate stem cells to stay alive. You mean they acctually aren't gods. In fact....
New Rule: US weekely must only be sold at supermarket checkouts next to the Weekely World News. Stop trying to make us believe you are an acctuall journalistic endevour.
touchmeinthemorning
Broadway Legend Joined: 9/3/04
#4re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 11:40amNEW RULE: Talking on the subway should be done using your inside voice. Especially at 730am. Likewise, chewing gum should be done quietly (note: If you pop that gum one more time...)
#5re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 11:48amNEW RULE: carl magnum, despite his age, gets to run for president.
PED
#6re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 12:10pm
NEW RULE: Your designer bag (real or fake), dog-as-accessory and stock broker boyfriend do not make you a better person than I am. Neither does your high rise condo or your new BMW. Quit looking at me like I do not matter.
NEW RULE: Do not read the pins on my bag and look at me like I'm some kind of radical, artistic freak. It's rude.
touchmeinthemorning
Broadway Legend Joined: 9/3/04
#7re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 12:13pmNEW RULE: You may no longer call me "the temp". Please address me by the name my parents gave me. Despite the fact that you see me as an object ("the stapler" or "the copy machine"), I breathe the same air you do, and deserve my humanity back. In fact, were it not for my choice to be an actor, I would be your boss' boss.
#8re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 12:38pmNEW RULE: A gentleman never asks a lady to have a supply of condoms at home.
#9re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 12:52pmNEW RULE: When visiting NYC don't STOP in the middle of the sidewalk....some people are trying to catch a bus or train to get home. We're all NOT on vacation.
#10
Posted: 11/22/05 at 12:54pm
#12re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 1:41pm
New Rule: Children under the age of 13 will not be allowed to have cell phones. Here's a quarter, it's called a payphone and it reaches mommy or daddy's cell phone the same way.
New Rule: All children's Abercrombie and Fitch stores will be closed and no one under the age of 17 will be allowed to shop there, male or female. Also Charlotte Russe and Wet Seal must ask for proof of age before selling those slutty clothes to prevent sales to Minors.
New Rule: If you are a person who is divorced and you brought about the divorce through cheating, lying, stealing or physical abuse, you may no longer preach to us about "The Sanctity of Marrige".
#13re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 1:45pmNEW RULE: carl magnum is declared emperor of the US (no elections needed).
PED
#14re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 1:46pmNew Rule: If you're an unmarried 13 year old crack whore with 2 babies, you can't complain about my homosexuality.
#15re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 1:48pm
Here's another
New Rule: If you own a Mercedes...hey good for you man.....but you are not allowed to place a vanity plate on it. The car itself is one, you don't need a tag that says "Rich" or "LVNLRG" to remind us all how pathetic our VW's and Chevy's are.
ZONEACE
Broadway Legend Joined: 5/10/05
#16re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 1:50pmNEW RULE: Credit will be given to Bill Maher when using his intelectual property.
#17re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 1:54pm
New Rule: Frank Wildhorn must cease and desist from adapting classics. Leave their legacy alone, they don't need your help.
New Rule: Mesh tank tops for men now come with a weight limit.
#18re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 2:08pmNew Rule: Hey, Blockbuster clerks. I didn't suddenly develop amnesia sometime during my walk to the check-out counter. I know what movies I'm checking out, so there's no need to shout the titles at the top of your lungs as you scan them. The muscle-bound, chest-thumping guidos behind me in line were already giving this queen enough threatening looks without you announcing that I'm checking out "All About Eve" and "The Celluloid Closet."
#19re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 2:22pm
New Rule: If you are waiting in line, you are allowed a 2-second grace period to place your order at McDonald's. It's not like a 25-page menu at a Vietnamese restaurant. You don't even need to speak English. They have huge pictures you can point at that are clearly visible from virtually any angle no matter where you stand while you are waiting. If you begin your order with, "Let me see.....what do you have?" You will be shoved aside and you will lose your place in line.
New Rule: If you are heterosexual and currently married, you will be required to take a lie-detector test and possibly go to trial to prove and defend the sanctity of your marriage. If you do not pass, your marriage license will be revoked and you will be stripped of all rights and benefits pertaining to that marriage.
New Rule: As of today, there will be no more fashion trends devoted to the single worst fashion decade in American history, the 70s. Designers will be forced to earn their keep and come up with something that is actually new. Same rules applies for all fashion designs based on the homeless (i.e. dingy rumpled shirts, excrement soiled jeans and nappy hair). And all girls attempting to purchase low-rise jeans should be required to try them on surrounded by a 360-degree mirror under fluorescent lighting with no makeup, have a Polaroid taken and submitted to a jury of supermodels, who will decide their fate.
New Rule: If you cross the street slowly against the light, just to prove how the world must revolve around you, cars have the right to change lanes, without signaling, in order to hit you with more accuracy.
New Rule: For every time you ask a fast food worker for additional free food because you feel you are entitled to it, you must work a year at that location. For every time you return a half-eaten sandwich and demand your money back because it took you half the sandwich to decide it was insatisfactory, you will work two years at that location.
New Rule: All customer service employees of any utility service are now required to have a Masters Degree in Behavioral Psychology and attend group therapy with their customers twice weekly.
#20re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 2:27pmNew Rule: You aren't allowed to like a musical just because everyone else hates it. There's a reason everyone hates it. It sucks. And you suck for liking sucky things.
#21re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 2:59pm
NEW RULE: You are NOT allowed to stand in the middle of the aisle during intermission...other people need to get to their seats.
touchmeinthemorning
Broadway Legend Joined: 9/3/04
#22re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 3:03pmNEW RULE: My packaged food does not need to be put in a package, so it can be put in a paper sack, so it can be put into a bag. The environment. Look it up.
#23re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 3:08pm
New Rule: If you're not smart enough to use correct punctuation and spelling, then, no, your opinion does not matter.
New Rule: Sales clerk, if I told you that I don't need your help and I'm just looking, I don't need you hovering around me breathing down my neck the entire time I'm in the store.
New Rule: No one can diss Harry Potter until they've read the books. Okay, you don't get what the big deal is. Who cares? Obviously J.K. Rowling did something right if she has millions of kids lining up to READ. Stop trying to ruin the fun and magic for everyone else.
New Rule: A limit to the number of plastic surgery procedures a person can have done. Don't you people realize that by the third nose job you become a scary-ass walking disaster. We don't want to look at your artificialness while we're trying to eat. If you feel that bad about yourself, stay home and spare us the sight of your fifth face lift.
New Rule: We know you support the troops. We all do. You don't need five of those 'Support the Troops' banner bumper stickers on the back of your pick-up truck proclaiming how much more you looove the troops. Besides, that 'W '04' Bumper sticker right next to them negates your whole supporting the troops thing.
New Rule: Christians who are intolerant of other religions, or just intolerant in general, need to actually, perhaps, learn the teachings of Christ before they spew out their hate.
The opposite of creation isn't war, it's stagnation.
YessicaB
Broadway Legend Joined: 6/13/05
#24re: NEW RULE
Posted: 11/22/05 at 7:39pm
New Rule: If you dare disturb other patrons in the theatre, by unwrapping candies noisily, talking, etc. you will be shot.
New Rule: Everybody should visit at least one other country to avoid total ignorance of other cultures.
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