Open Relationships...- Page 2

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 5:42pm

So, basically, thus far the majority opinion in this thread seems to be one of an ownership issue. If people are in a relationship, basically, they own the other person and don't want to see them get sexual satisfaction with others because, among other things, jealousy might arise.

Newsflash, if you're the type for whom jealousy might arise, it's not going to not arise if your partner is sexually exclusive to you. It will arise anyway.

What seems to be lacking here is discussion that people's experiences are different according to a whole host of reasons. Is it a male-male couple, a male-female couple, or a female-female couple we're talking about?

I think if most long term couples are honest, after about a decade or so, they'd tell you the sexual spark has diminished if not been extinguished.

I've known many gay male couples that have lasted over 20 years. None of them has been a sexually monogamous couple. They have all been completely dedicated to remaining emotionally commmitted to their partners, while also remaining committed to communicating about their needs and feelings.

That's a pretty tall order for a lot of people. And I actually HAVE spoken to some people who have told me that they would rather NOT have sex in their relationship and live with that, than think about their partner having sex with somebody else. Struck me as sad.

Personally, I don't feel a need to believe that I am the be all and end all of sexual experience for a partner. I'm secure in who I am and don't need constant reinforcement. I have been in monogamous and non-monogamous situations, I can really go with the flow. Neither is more important than the other to me, I just kind of went with what my partner wanted.

What matters is that at the end of the day, who is the person "with" emotionally? If the answer is me, I'm satisfied.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 5:43pm

Okay. If he won't take it, then he's not completly there for you. If you are soul mates, then when he pleasures you that should be pleasuring him as well.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 5:46pm

Gack, how do these impossibly romantic notions actually play out for you people IN THE REAL WORLD?

[BobbyBubby]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 5:46pm

So if my bf won't take it up the rear for me then he's not meant for me?

I don't think that makes much sense.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 5:49pm

"So if my bf won't take it up the rear for me then he's not meant for me?"

I'd say the answer to that is yes, as he's obviously not even gay.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 5:50pm

First of all, I love that people who create these absolutes, like, "People in non-monogamous relationships are immmature..." What about an unyielding shutting down of discussion qualifies as "mature?"

Bobby, if he doesn't want to be a bottom, you can't MAKE him want to be a bottom. If you WANT to be a top, you should be a TOP. For those experiences, you might want to do it with somebody else?

Exactly what is the problem with that? You deserve to get your needs met, he deserves to set the limits about what his body will do.

Figure out a way that works for you. Find out if he wants to hear about the guy you top. It can be a splendid aphrodisiac for long-term couples to hear about the extra-curricular activities of the other, and can eventually lead to a willingness to experiment within the primary relationship.

[BobbyBubby]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 5:50pm

Wait what?

Oh he's gay.

Not wanting to have a penis up your ass doesn't make you not gay.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 5:52pm

You have changed my life, Bobby.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 5:52pm

People can't actually deal with the complexities of sexuality, and it's particularly hard for non-gay-men to grasp gay male sexuality. In other words, a basically conservative lesbian is going to make a joke rather than having to deal with the topic of the ins and outs of gay male anal sex.

[DayDreamer]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 5:53pm

Dude... like I said, you have to be honest with yourself, and what will work for you.

I have my boundaries. What I will accept and not.

I know couples that have been together over a decade in open relationships. That's their thing, and they're happy. They're BOTH happy. I also know couples that have been together over a decade (one whose 20 year anniversary is coming up) who have always been monogamous, and have found ways to keep things interesting... experimenting, etc. And they're BOTH happy.

The issue lies when one person wants an open relationship, and the other agrees only to make the one happy. Eventually feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and whatnot, will take its toll and kill the relationship.

I know it's not for me. Not something I can deal with. And maybe I'll never be with someone longer than 11 years. Who knows. Maybe the next bf and I will have a chemistry that I would agree to an open relationship. I have no idea. You have to be honest with yourself, and figure how important it is for you to top. I know a couple where they're both tops. Yep. And they're monogamous. They play in other ways. They find a way. Again, it's about compromises.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 5:59pm

I wouldn't presume to even guess what would be healthy and/or 'right' for anyone else but myself. All I can tell you is it wouldn't work for us in our relationship.

Namo - our experience of living romantic notions within the confines of our real-world situation is that we just make the choice to honor what's important for us. There are physical notions that cross either or both of our minds that sometimes go unmet - and sometimes they are met. Either way, the emotional bond we feel and wish to maintain is worth more to either one of us than any physical desire - period. BUT, I reemphasize, that is strictly for us - and it works. For all I know, we may be the only two humans on earth that could exist under those conditions. I couldn't care less, because we have been, are and probably will continue to be happy.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 6:05pm

It was just Captain_Obvious's invoking of the specious notion of "soul mate" that struck me as so much greeting card sentiment.

I think people need to do what works for them. I was as shocked as anybody to find that the relationship before my current one was as filling as it was, and it was monogamous. I see what's valuable to people in both kinds.

But I think you have to arrive at the rules for the right reasons. With careful consideration. Blurting out that one way is "immature" strikes me as not particularly well thought out.

Saying that open relationships can cause problems implies that there aren't a whole host of OTHER problems that enforced sexual exclusivity can cause. Like frustration and resentment, to name the two most common.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 6:09pm

OH MY GOD! I wrote "filling."

I SERIOUSLY INTENDED TO WRITE "FULFILLING."

[BobbyBubby]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 6:10pm

ru mocking me Rathnait? Thanks.

[BobbyBubby]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 6:12pm

I mean, gay males Rath, sorry.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 6:13pm

I was just making a joke, Bobby.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 6:14pm

he may have the hots for boys, but as far as being a homosexual's concerned, you can still be a top, but to please your mate you gotta let him have some cookies.

[FindingNamo]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 6:18pm

Quoth the expert on relationships.

By cookies, do you mean "BMW?"

[BobbyBubby]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 6:21pm

I don't know if I agree with that. There are exceptions to every rule. He has very good reasons for not wanting to be a bottom, one's that I understand and don't force.

[Unknown User]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 6:21pm

Namo - that seriously made me laugh! Nothing wrong with being filled.

I think for us it just boils down to wanting to keep it simple. Not that sexual desire can't or doesn't exist at any age, but the fact is, neither one of us are twenty, and it does seem a little easier to keep in perspective at this stage of the game. Now, it's not like we're monks or anything, but we really do seem to focus on many of the other aspects of our lives together. I resonated with the poster who mentioned certain things that the partner just isn't into - as that's something I deal with. But I've made a VERY conscious and considered choice that I would rather just live with fond memories than complicate my life at this point. Hell, even just living with another human being can be trying at times, so I'm perfectly happy to keep it as contained as we do. Fortunately, it's not like we didn't sow a few oats in our youths

[Unknown User]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 6:27pm

Do I have to get graphic?

[ConvinceMe2]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 6:32pm

What's up with all this gay talk?

[Unknown User]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 6:45pm

What? Don't like it? I'm kinda glad we're having a deep conversation.

[Mother's Younger Brother]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 7:02pm

Like everything else in this world, what works for some people doesn't work for others.

Based on personal experience however, I'm going to make a generalization that gay men deal with open relationships better than most other couples. Men tend to be more honest and less game-playing anyway, which spills over into all areas of trust in the relationship. I've never met a heterosexual couple -- now matter how open and honest they claim to be with each other -- who are AS open as gay men are with each other. Men and women, by their very natures, build walls and make assumptions. Most men just don't do that. I was honestly *shocked* to discover that, until recently, my partner and I were pretty much the only monogamous gay male couple we knew. And those couples had all been together an average of 10 years or more and were deliriously happy.

Personally, I don't believe for a second that human beings are monogomous animals by nature, and it's ridiculous to assume that, out of 6 billion people on this planet, there's only ONE for each person.

The difference is finding the one that you want to LIVE with, and share a life with. Having a little fun, as long as all parties are aware, can be pretty harmless -- AND increase the happiness of those IN the relationship too!

In the end, relationships are about honesty, trust, and acceptance -- NOT boundaries, games, and posession.

...or, what FindingNamo said. :)

(And all-knowing, self-righteous, judgmental comments that arbitrarily place monogamy above openness PISS ME OFF. All relationships are different. Mine doesn't have to be just like yours. Albin, that means you.)
Updated On: 5/25/05 at 07:02 PM

[morosco]

Posted: 5/25/05 at 7:05pm

Not for me.