Question about a certain phrase....

[Baine]

Posted: 10/23/06 at 8:29am

Hello everyone!

I am working on a story at the moment, and one of my lines states,

Thunder boomed in the distance as lines of lightning danced along the horizon, caressing the (looming?violet?) mountains and painting the world with flashes of color as it pirouetted back and forth in an elegant coup de __________.

Does anyone know what word I'm missing? I can't think of it. I thought that it was coup de grace, but when I looked that up on Wikipedia, while it seems like, in context, it's what I want, I don't think that it is....?

I'm drawing a blank on the word that I actually WANT to be using.

[Also, I initially had the word LOOMING, but I'm not sure if it's right now. It sounds a bit weird, don't you think? At the same time, all that I can think of is Violet, and I don't really want a color descriptor, either.....
Just curious what y'all think! Thanks!]

EDIT: The asphalt road curled its way through the mountain pass, a thin black sliver that all but disappeared from sight as it merged with the black sky.

--> Should I change this to merged INTO? Merged TOGETHER with? Each time, it dosn't sound quite right.

Maybe it's just because it's getting late and my brain is shutting down?

This is the beginning of a prologue, so I don't want to mess it up with stuff that doesn't sound right, if that makes sense......




Sorry to be a bother!
Any help would be much appreciated!<3

[erikaamato]

Posted: 10/23/06 at 12:11pm

painting the world with flashes of color as it pirouetted back and forth in an elegant coup de __________.

You've begun with a ballet metaphor, so I'm guessing you're trying to think of a ballet term, but are getting it confused with the variations of "coup de..." in English usage - none of which do I think are appropriate for your sentence. (A "coup de grâce" is the final stroke. The killing blow. The end. A "coup d'état" is an overthrow of the gorvernment - usually violent.) The only thing I could think of was "an elegant pas de deux" - but that's a bit odd, because that refers to a "duet" in dance. (Of course, the term "pas d'une" exists, but no-one I know of would ever use it outside the ballet world.)

The asphalt road curled its way through the mountain pass, a thin black sliver that all but disappeared from sight as it merged with the black sky.

This is fine the way it is. Merged with.

...lines of lightning danced along the horizon, caressing the (looming?violet?) mountains...

The problem I have with "looming" is that is doesn't fit the tone of the rest of the sentence. You use the words "danced" and "caressing," which have a romantic tone, then use "looming," which has a feeling of dread. If you don't want to use a color descriptor, there are other descriptors... Granite? Solitary? Distant? I don't know what you're going for (what the mountains are like in your mind's eye), but I'm sure you can come up with something cool.

Good luck!

[RobbO]

Posted: 10/23/06 at 12:14pm

the only advice i will give is not to use wikipedia as a resource tool.

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 10/23/06 at 12:17pm

Thanks, erika, now stuck in my head is my ballet teacher's voice:

"Coupe', passe', developpe' to second..."

Updated On: 10/23/06 at 12:17 PM

[JohnBoy2]

Posted: 10/23/06 at 12:24pm

I would just end it after the word, color. The rest is just verbiage. And, frankly, I find it hard to imagine lightning, twirling, anyway. As for the mountain descriptor, would velvet apply? Not sure what picture you're trying to paint with your words; and, merged with, is just fine.

[erikaamato]

Posted: 10/23/06 at 12:30pm

I would just end it after the word, color. The rest is just verbiage. And, frankly, I find it hard to imagine lightning, twirling, anyway.

For what it's worth, since it has come up, I agree with JohnBoy2 on this point.

Rath: LOL...Sorry about that!

[BluCat500]

Posted: 10/23/06 at 12:35pm

august, prodigious, slumbering, resplendant, venerable, enduring, foreboding...mountains

[StageManager2]

Posted: 10/23/06 at 2:02pm

Rath: You're a ballerina?

[Rathnait62]

Posted: 10/23/06 at 2:04pm

No. I take ballet class.

[StageManager2]

Posted: 10/23/06 at 2:11pm

What does that make you then -- a danseuse?