My college app essay (on Broadway)

[jasobres]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:10pm

I am currently doing an essay for an application for college. They said it could be any topic of my choice. So I decided to talk about Broadway shows. Here is a little rough draft of it. It is not quite finished yet. It needs to be a maximum of 6,000 characters (including spaces). You can tell me what you like about it and how I can possibly improve upon it:

One of my most favorite things to do is to go into New York City and see a show on Broadway. Including on and off-Broadway shows, I have seen, as of September 3, 2005, a total of 42 shows, probably more than any other person who has been to Broadway. But I do not mean to brag about that, though. I have always enjoyed seeing a play or a musical performed live on stage and getting a feeling that I do not get at all when I go to see a movie. Throughout the years that I have been going to see Broadway shows, I have seen plenty of memorable musicals and plays. I have also kept track of all of the shows I have seen with a table that I type in Microsoft Word. Going to see a Broadway show has always been a favorite thing to do in my life.

I saw my very first Broadway musical on my birthday in August 1994. The musical was a theatrical adaptation of Walt Disney Pictures’ 1991 Oscar-nominated animated feature, Beauty and the Beast. Of course, the reason I wanted to see it was because I really loved the movie. At the time, I really did not know much about Broadway. The only shows I saw that were close to Broadway shows were the 30-minute live adaptations of animated movies at Walt Disney World. But this was something entirely different because there were more songs in this version, and more scenes as well. Not only that but there were two acts and one intermission. I was just completely blown away by it. What blew me away even more was the fact that everything was done live: the acting, the singing, the music, and even the special effects! (The end scene where the Beast transforms into the Prince is amazing!) From then on, I was practically hooked on Broadway.

Throughout my life of seeing Broadway shows, I have had favorites of some aspects of it. The Top Four Broadway shows that I have seen (in no particular order) would have to be The Producers, Avenue Q, Wicked, and Monty Python’s Spamalot (the musical “lovingly” ripped off of the motion picture Monty Python and the Holy Grail). What I love about those musicals mostly would have to do with the concepts. The Producers (billed as “the new Mel Brooks musical”) marked the comeback of the traditional musical comedy. Avenue Q, with its concept of a non-P.C. “Sesame Street”-type show for adults gave me a lot of things to laugh about. Wicked took two stellar actresses, Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel, and brought in killer sets and costumes that were a sight to see, and combined those elements to make a great back-story to The Wizard of Oz. Monty Python’s Spamalot had me almost peeing in my pants when I saw one of my favorite low-budget comedy movies with quotable lines (I was practically lip-synching along with almost every word from the movie) live on stage. These shows have made a very lasting impression upon me.

My favorite Broadway celebrity of all time would have to be Kristin Chenoweth, who, as I mentioned before, was one of the actresses in Wicked. I first saw her in a New York City Centers ENCORES! production of the Gershwin musical Strike Up the Band, where she played Anne Draper. She had a very high-pitched speaking voice, but a very powerful singing voice. Another person who was in the cast of that show was Rebecca Baxter, who would later become my singing teacher. One year later, I heard that the 1967 off-Broadway hit, You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown, was coming to Broadway and that Kristin was going to play Charlie Brown’s little sister, Sally, a part that was not in the original show. I saw that and I loved her even more. She won a Tony award for that. Of course, I saw her in Wicked, and most recently, she did another show at New York City Center ENCORES! The show was Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick’s (Fiddler on the Roof) The Apple Tree. She never failed to amaze me each time that I saw her.

There are many things about seeing a Broadway show that I like that it is very hard to list them all. But first and foremost, as I have mentioned before, I absolutely love the fact that everything is done live. When I go to see musicals, I love the fact that there are songs in the show. When I go to see comedies, I love to get good laughs. When I see the show, the actors on stage look like they are having lots of fun and they share that feeling with the audience.

[442namffug]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:12pm

"When I see the show, the actors on stage look like they are having lots of fun and they share that feeling with the audience."

That's your concluding sentence?? That's what you are leaving them with? That's your final thought? Your BIG BANG so-to-speak that separates you from everyone else?? Might want to revise that...

[jasobres]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:13pm

I told you, it's not finished yet.

[442namffug]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:15pm

Phew.

[aces25]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:18pm

The honest truth - It's pretty weak... Not a great thesis or premise especially considering this is a college enterance essay. Formal essays shouldn't be written in the first-person narrative (i.e. "I") and should be written in the present tense.

It feels more like a report than an essay.. Just gabbing on about Broadway shows and listing what you've seen.. Remember, the average person isn't a Broadway nerd like everyone else on this board and need to be fully informed on the electricity and feeling created on the New York stage. The conculsion, also, is pretty weak..

I would attempt to create a more specific thesis statement because your concept of "shows I love and what i do in my spare time" is far too general.

[442namffug]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:21pm

Exactly. You need to be way more specific. What is the point of this essay? It's almost as if someone said "WRITE!" and you just started to write. There is no purpose and it doesn't lead to any new ideas. Where are the connections? the ideas? the realizations?

[toodramatic]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:22pm

Maybe you should talk more about how the shows affected you and use theatre more as a metaphor for describing yourself...and seriously that closer...c'mon your closer should make the reader go 'WOW! THEATRE ROCKS!'...Your closer makes me go 'theatre, meh, well i mean whats on tv...'

[My Fair Lady]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:27pm

I honestly think it's a bit juvenile and not very gripping.

[toodramatic]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:28pm

well good thing your starting early...:)

[442namffug]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:29pm

I second all of these.

[Luckydave14]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:29pm

"Including on and off-Broadway shows, I have seen, as of September 3, 2005, a total of 42 shows, probably more than any other person who has been to Broadway."

I doubt you have seen the most shows of anyone who has been to Broadway. I have seen over 42 just on Broadway and I'm a few years younger than you. I would change that line.

"One of my most favorite things to do is to go into New York City and see a show on Broadway."

"Thing" is a word that is frowned upon in essays so I would change that sentence to, "A favorite activity of mine is to go to NYC and see a show on Broadway.

I don't feel like correcting grammer but I'll say that your information is really good, but that is only like the statistics and stuff. I probably wouldn't say what about Broadway is your most favorite, but how Broadway changed your life (like if you want to start acting and such).
Updated On: 9/4/05 at 07:29 PM

[Steve2]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:34pm

This is a good start. Perhaps you could find someone who is strong on writing essays and help you focus your thoughts somewhat. Since it's for college, you want to have as many people proofread it as possible!

Perhaps rather that focusing on shows you have seen, discuss how these shows have influenced you in some way -- appreciation for the arts, learning to act or dance, your choice of major, how the theatre can help people, etc. Or you may wish to describe how the US compares to other countries in its support for the performing arts?

Good luck!
Updated On: 9/4/05 at 07:34 PM

[jasobres]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:38pm

You know what? I don't need to take crap from any of you!!!!

[aces25]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:38pm

Fine... I'm only an English major... What would I know about writing essays?

[My Fair Lady]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:39pm

Er...you ASKED for critiques.

[insomniak]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:40pm

Don't ask if you don't want to hear it.

It's very choppy and flows poorly, for starters. It also doesn't delve into the emotions associated with theatre; this essay feels more like a list. There's no depth to it.

[toodramatic]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:48pm

Dude, your going into college and you cant take criticism...lighten the f*** up...no one said "You suck, yor paper is crap, you shouldnt even be going to college", rather we saw that you had a good start and decided to help you because you needed SERIOUS help.

[jasonf]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:49pm

I honestly didn't get past the first paragraph. It was a good move to post this on here for some help. Some advice:

"One of my most favorite things to do is to go into New York City and see a show on Broadway."

Aside from the grammatical error ("most favorite" is redundant and should never be used), this is a very blah opening. I tell my students all the time that they need to grip the reader from the start. You have a great opportunity here to use some of your Broadway knowledge to effect -- do something clever with "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music, perhaps.

"Including on and off-Broadway shows, I have seen, as of September 3, 2005, a total of 42 shows, probably more than any other person who has been to Broadway."

Another poster mentioned how this statement is clearly not true and an exaggeration. It's fine to state how many you saw, and maybe that it's more than any of your friends, but I can tell you I've seen FAR more than 42 shows...

"But I do not mean to brag about that, though. "

Never start a sentence with "but" because it creates a sentence fragment.

"I have always enjoyed seeing a play or a musical performed live on stage and getting a feeling that I do not get at all when I go to see a movie."

Oh really? What would that be?

"Throughout the years that I have been going to see Broadway shows, I have seen plenty of memorable musicals and plays."

This sentence doesn't say anything, and it does not fit in logically into the flow of the paragraph.

"I have also kept track of all of the shows I have seen with a table that I type in Microsoft Word."

Great....but so what?

"Going to see a Broadway show has always been a favorite thing to do in my life. "

Again, so what? That's not much of a thesis statement.

I'm sorry if that was kind of harsh, but you really need a lot of work on this essay for it to help you. Try coming up with a thesis of some kind about what going to Broadway shows has really meant to you -- how has it affected you -- how has it changed your life -- what special meaning does it hold for you? Was there a topic that you were supposed to write on?

[jasobres]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:50pm

Oh, sorry about that.

[aces25]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 7:54pm

Yah.. always think of the mind of the reader... so what? Why should we care about your Broadway obession? So what! Who cares?

[Dre2387]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 8:02pm

jaso, did you get my PM?

[colleen_lee]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 8:07pm

what exactly are you planning on going to college for? Most admissions committees are not going to give a rats butt about you liking Broadway.

You need to delve deeper. How have you grown from your experiences? How have the shaped you? What would you like to do with or as a result of these experiences?

[BSoBW2]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 8:14pm

I wrote my essay about Les Mis, specifically...and what it did for me.

The question was something about one thing that changed your life or something like that (FOR ME).

I'd rather see you write an essay about one show (or two) and what they did for you.

"I have seen, as of September 3, 2005, a total of 42 shows, probably more than any other person who has been to Broadway. But I do not mean to brag about that, though."

NEVER say, "I don't mean to brag." If you need to say that, than you are. And if I were reading your essay, and saw that line, I would put a big ole DENY stamp on there.

Your essay was weak. I respect you for putting it up here...but it did not stand out for any good reasons.

One other thing - if they gave you choices, and one choice was a free write - NEVER do that one.
Updated On: 9/4/05 at 08:14 PM

[WickedGeek28]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 8:19pm

It is a very nice story, though its very juvenile and there seems to be no point to it or anything that says "PICK ME!"

[mygfdontliveincanada]

Posted: 9/4/05 at 8:27pm

I know you've already gotten an earfull, but I feel like I need to commment as my college entry essay was one of the deciding factors that got me in to UCLA, and mine was about theater as well. I'm also now going in to my senior year, and I've always gotten As and Bs on my papers here. I'm actually guest speaking at Cal State Northridge this week on how to write better college level papers.

Anyway, as many people have already pointed out, if your essay was viewed as a show, it would be in the workshop stages. You need to get it ready for a pre-Broadway out-of-town trial and then after some more thought and rewrites put it out there on the Great White Way and pray that it'll be a record-breaking hit.

There are three things you need to pay attention to. The first is the nitpicky stuff. Is your punctuation and grammar correct? Are you using slang? I'll give you a big hint and tell you right now that you are. A 60 year old woman in the admissions department of this school will not want to hear that you thought Wicked had a "killer" cast or that Spamalot almost made you "pee in your pants." Remember your audience and write for them. You're writing for the crowd that would enjoy "Phantom of the Opera," not the type that would see "Avenue Q" or "Naked Boys Singing."

Secondly, answer the following question. Who cares? WHY do you love Broadway? What impact has it had on you? What have you learned or taken away from the theater, and why do you keep coming back time and time again? As my entry essay to the UCLA theater department had a prompt along the lines of "Why do you enjoy theater, why do you want to have a career in it, and why do you wish to go to UCLA to get there," I've had to answer the same thing. Remember that this is the schools way of getting to know you without actually meeting you, so through all that High School English class stuff about not putting yourself in the paper out the window. Here it's necessary. Don't tell them about each show; they're at a college and can look that up themeselves. Instead, focus on one show that ignited or confirmed your love of theater and explain how or why it did.

And finally, stemming off of that last comment, say something cotraversial or different. You have to put yourself apart from the other applicants. Find something to say that you doubt anyone else would say, and if you can't do that, then say the same thing in a different or more interesting way. Your essay will be read in a stack of others, and yours will need to stand out in the mind of the reader.

I'd love to help you even more. If you would like more advice, you can reach me on AIM. My screename is lovemesomedali. I'd love to read your second draft.

Best of luck, and God Bless!

In the slightly paraphrased words of Leo Bloom and Max Bialystock, "You can do it!"

-Jeff